Jeff: Before we get started today, we should pause and make sure everyone knows it’s Rob Smith’s fault that we have this song.
Jason: Great. Another thing we get to blame on Rob Smith, that assjack who can’t say no.
Jeff: He can’t say no to downloading Coke jingles recorded by bands that won’t go away.
Jason: So this isn’t an actual song? It’s a Coke jingle? Or is it both?
Jeff: It’s almost four minutes long, so I guess it’s an “actual song,” but Train recorded it for Coke, so it’s also kind of a jingle. I don’t want to know what kind of deal with Satan prompted a collaboration between Coke and Train, but there you go.
Jason: If they’re going to sell out, I hope they sell out big. You know, like Coke mentions every third line or something.
Jeff: It’s kind of funny that they decided to call it “Shake Up Christmas.”
Jason: Maybe their original title of “A High Fructose Corn Syrup Christmas” was rejected.
Jeff: It’d be kind of like if they recorded a Christmas song for Coors and called it “Warm, Flat Christmas.”
Jason: Or one for Red Bull entitled “You’re A Douchebag For Drinking It Christmas.”
Jeff: I mean…who associates Coke with shaking things up? Coke is about as established as you can get as a brand, first of all.
Jeff: Second, if you shake a can of Coke, you don’t really drink it so much as you end up wiping it off your face, the walls, and your clothes. I just wonder why they didn’t call it “Christmas on Ice” or something. Even “Christmas Cherry Zero” would have been better.
Jason: …because Coke told them to call it “Shake Up Christmas” and they listened?
Jeff: Excellent point.
Jason: I’m sure focus groups were involved.
Jeff: Do you have a can of Coke to shake up before we play this track? I’m aiming mine at my speakers.
Jason: My sister-in-law loves Coke Zero, so we have some in the kitchen, but right now I’m paralyzed with dread, so little good that does me.
Jeff: If it’s good enough for a Train/Coke/Sony focus group, isn’t it good enough for us and our readers?
Jason: I think you know the answer to that question. Let’s go!
Train — Shake Up Christmas (download)
Jeff: This already sucks. Excellent.
Jason: Off to a douchebag start!
Jeff: It’s Christmastaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahm
Oh, man. These lyrics are shitty even for the band that rhymed “Patrick Swayze.”
Jason: …Is somebody breathing heavy in the background?
Jeff: It’s Christmastaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahm, Jason! Shake up the happiness!
Jason: Did he just sing “C’mon, y’all, it’s Christmas time?” These guys are from San Francisco! What are they doing saying “y’all”?
Jeff: Ho, ho, hooooooooo! You know how I can tell this is a Coke song? Because I’d like to kick the world in the nuts.
Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Jeff: I feel like this music and this melody were lifted from another Train song. Or all other Train songs.
Jason: I’ve listened to very little Train, thankfully.
Jeff: Why is Train still around? They’re like Bon Jovi, only smaller — every time you think they’re done, they resurface, stronger than ever.
Jason: I’m fascinated by the second chance they received with “Hey Soul Sister,” but not enough to actually listen to that song from start to finish.
Jeff: I haven’t listened to more than a minute of a Train song since “Drops of Jupiter.”
Jason: So was this commissioned by Coke? It had to be, right? It’s quite pandering.
Jeff: My favorite thing about Train is that they released a live album called something like Alive At Last. Like ANYONE ON EARTH was waiting for a Train live album.
Jason: Someone must be listening to them, Jeff. It’s not me and it’s not you.
Jeff: They had to be right above Savage Garden on the list of bands anyone wanted a live album from.
Jason: Yes! And Third Eye Blind.
Jeff: I think Third Eye Blind is doing a Christmas jingle for Mello Yello.
Jason: That’d be perfect, because they sound like piss.
Jeff: “Redemption Value 5¢ Christmas.”
Jason: “Singer Pat Monahan told Reuters the new song is less about commerce and more about wanting to conjure holiday joy during tough times.”
Jeff: “Such as the tough times you will have while listening to it.”
Jason: “He added that writing a song only for commerce — meaning ‘Shake Up Christmas’ solely for a Coca-Cola ad — seemed cynical. Approaching a song that way, he said, ‘you are not going to write inspiring music.'” I’m sure the paycheck wasn’t inspiring at all, Pat.
Jeff: Does Pat Monahan understand what he’s saying?
Jason: You Botoxed douche.
Jeff: Well, I’m never buying Coke again.
Jason: Now I’m reading listener reactions to this song.
Jeff: “TRAIN ROCKS #1 FRVRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR”
Jason: “Love PEPSI but may have to think about making a switch. If Train is with Coke..it’s gotta be cool!”
Jeff: Oh, man.
Jason: “Love Christmas…Love Coke… Love Train….Awesome!!!”
Jeff: Shake it up, street teamers!
Jason: “Love it! Train is the best band! Love all their music and they are fantastic in concert.”
Jeff: I’m kind of hoping this starts a trend of corporate rock bands recording jingles for soda companies.
Jason: “LOVE train…love coke…the song gives me chills!” Okay. For the record, the only way this song could give anybody chills would be if they were actually doing coke.
Jeff: But each band would have to do a song for an age-appropriate soda. Like, Boston or Toto could do a song for Tab.
Jason: YES. I love it. Van Halen does New Coke.
Jeff: Ha ha ha! See? I have all the best ideas. Just like listening to half a dozen versions of “Last Christmas.”
Jason: Yes, except for expanding Mellowmas from 12 days to 25, you have all the best ideas. And that one. Don’t remind me, you fucker.
Jeff: Hey, I wonder if we can find more?
Jason: YOU SAID NEXT YEAR! I want to shake up a can of Coke and shove it up your ass.
Jeff: Hey, y’all! It’s Christmastaaaaaaaaaaaaaahm!
Jason: Love Train!
throws up in mouth