The Third Day of Mellowmas: The Return of Diamondmas

Jeff: I’m so glad we finally get to listen to a Chanukah song by a Jewish singer.

Neil Diamond — The Chanukah Song (download)

From A Cherry Cherry Christmas

Jeff: Wait. Son of a bitch.

Jason: I feel like this song should never be covered.

Jeff: This song barely needs to exist.

Jason: I don’t feel like he gets the joke. I admit that Sandler’s original was clever.

Jeff: You know, I’m looking at the cover of the album, and I’m hoping he has a sense of humor. I also hope he finally pinches whatever loaf he’s been struggling to get out for the last 40 years.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: Fuckin’ Neil Diamond, man.

Jason: “You don’t have to deck the halls with jingle bell rock?” That’s definitely not the line.

Jeff: This is ridiculous. He makes Richard Marx sound relaxed.

Jason: Don’t you even start with Richard Marx.

Jeff: Do you hear the synth in there?

Jason: I didn’t. I’ll have to listen on the next chorus.

Jeff: It’s got that buzzy 1983 sound.

Jason: Huh.

Jeff: These are the things I notice when I’m busy wishing I was listening to something else.

Jason: I just don’t understand why anyone would cover this. It’s so Adam Sandler, you know?

Jeff: “Jesus Christ is?” Wait, did Sandler sing that?

Jason: Dude! He changed the lyrics! And it’s supposed to be “So many Jews are in show biz,” not “are on my list.”

Jeff: And who’s jizzing all over this guitar solo?

Jason: Ha ha ha! Dude is tapping!

Jeff: Someone should break his fingers. This is stupid. I’m guessing you’re wearing the same blank stare I am right now.

Jason: I am. I swear, Neil Diamond has no idea what he’s singing or why it’s funny.

Jeff: “Happy Hanukkah, y’all!” Oof.

Jason: “Y’all”?

Jeff: Now, see, you’re a Neil Diamond fan, aren’t you? ‘Cause I’m not.

Jason: Sort of.

Jeff: I don’t understand his popularity at all.

Jason: When I was a kid, I watched “The Jazz Singer” all the time for some reason. And I love a lot of the songs from that album.

Jeff: Also, I don’t like the way he’s looking at me on the cover of this album. I think it’s inappropriate and I want him to stop.

Jason: Who knows when and where that photo was taken? He’s clearly not really in front of a wreath.

Jeff: Furthermore, the artwork is atrocious.

Jason: Right. And what’s with the title? A Cherry Cherry Christmas? What does that even mean? I would have much preferred A “Love on the Rocks” Christmas.

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! “A shitty Christmas record…

Jason: …ain’t no big surprise.” Ha ha ha! I just want to know who told him he should do this song. It wasn’t Rick Rubin. Rick Rubin is banging his head on a desk right now.

Jeff: You know, whoever spent fifteen minutes Photoshopping him in front of that wreath could have shaved a few inches off his eyebrows.

Jason: “All that work we did on you, Neil! Ruined!”

Jeff: He looks like Bert’s dad.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha! My wife says that’s not a very nice thing to say about Bert, by the way.

Jeff: How many Christmas albums does Neil have now? Is he gaining on Barry or Connick?

Jason: Let’s see.

Jeff: I feel like he has to have at least three.

Jason: This would be his third, yes!

Jeff: Also, given that he covered “The Chanukah Song,” I’m concerned that he might hear about your “Christmas on the Rocks” idea and get ideas. “Hey, y’all! Let’s cut my greatest hits as holiday songs! We can change ‘Heartlight‘ to “Christmas Lights’! Is that Rubin calling again? Don’t pick up. Fuck him.”

Jason: From the press release: “Newly included with the re-mastered classics are a transcendent ‘Amazing Grace’; another new Neil Diamond original, ‘Christmas Dream’; and a party-time version of Adam Sandler’s comedic ‘The Chanukah Song,’ produced by DJ Ashba (Guns N’ Roses).”

Jeff: Wait, so this isn’t even an album of new bad songs?

Jason: Some are new, I guess, but this means that there are potentially songs on this album that were on his previous two, which would mean he’s pulling a McD.

Jeff: Wow. This is the height of laziness. And also cynical holiday cash-grabbing.

Jason: Why do they mention that it’s produced by DJ Ashba? Why do we care?

Jeff: It’s bad enough that McD did it, but he’s only got a few fans, and they all probably know it’s bullshit. But Neil’s fans are all old. They don’t know what’s going on. And they buy everything their favorite artists put out, which is why Barbra had a #1 album this year.

Jason: We covered a song from The Christmas Album previously. On that cover, he looks like he’s actually sitting in front of a fire. Neil couldn’t even be bothered to get in front of a goddamn wreath.

Jeff: I’m willing to bet the cherries were Photoshopped onto the wreath, too. And that background looks like someone just took the first picture they found after Googling “Christmas lights.”

Jason: “Neil, we’d like to book you for a photo shoot for the new Christmas album.” “Fuck you. Find an old picture.”

Jeff: Dude, we just heard Neil Diamond saying “fuck you.”

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Yes we did!

Jeff: “Thanks for making me rich, old people! Fuck you!” I’m looking up our pal Erlewine’s review.

Jason: Let me guess: it’s glowing.

Jeff: Only 2.5 stars!

Jason: Whaaaa?

Jeff: “These two new cuts make Diamond seem like the garrulous uncle at your family’s holiday party, the one who is eager to prove how cool he is, which only makes him seem all the more out of touch.” Word, Erlewine. WORD.

Jason: I kind of get that. Although I don’t hear “eager” at all. I hear “paycheck.”

Jeff: I can find no sales data of any kind for this album. Although I’m looking at the credits right now, and Irving Azoff is managing Neil. Which is, I guess, code for “letting Neil do whatever he wants.”

Jason: Oh God. I bet Azoff paid Rubin not to be available for a follow-up album.

Jeff: Rubin’s beard could eat Azoff. Man, there are some talented motherfuckers playing on this thing. What a waste of talent. Although I guess, in a way, Mellowmas is all about the wasting of talent.

Jason: That’s true.

Jeff: I wonder if that means A Cherry Cherry Christmas is the ultimate Mellowmas album?

Jason: Bite your tongue.

Jeff: Hey, Andrew Gold played on this! He gets a credit for “acoustic guitar and seething envy.”

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha! I wonder what Adam Sandler thinks of this cover.

Jeff: Dammit, now I’m wondering too. I guess he probably thinks he’ll be getting a slightly larger royalty check next summer, thanks to the population of Boca Raton.

Jason: And I’m wondering why he changed “Tom Cruise isn’t but I heard his agent is” to “Tom Cruise isn’t but Jesus Christ is.”

Jeff: Yeah, that’s really strange.

Jason: Is that a Scientology reference??

Jeff: Can we get a Neil Diamond interview? Maybe we can ask him.

Jason: Not after this post, we can’t.

Jeff: “So, first question, Neil: What the fuck?”

Jason: “What do you mean?”
“What the fuck is up with your Christmas album?”
“I released a Christmas album?”

Jeff: Yes! Ha ha ha! I’d lay even odds that that’s exactly how it’d go. “Oh RIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT…I did do that, didn’t I?”

Jason: Is it selling? Yes? Then fuck you.”

Jeff: dial tone

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

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