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The Third Day of Mellowmas: Bill O’Reilly, Prison Soap, and L. Ron Hubbard

Jeff: Ahhhh. Feel that Mellowmas spirit on the winter wind!

Jason: I already have frostbite! This is an awful season! God, why do I let this happen every year?

Jeff: The same reason you still open emails from me. You’re eternally hopeful! Either that, or you have a really dark, masochistic streak.

Jason: They all say “A Gift From Jeff,” and I eagerly click before I even know what I’ve done.

Jeff: And every time, it makes me so happy.

Jason: It’s like God is punishing me.

Jeff: Well, you are a Jew.

Jason: A lonely Jew. A tortured Jew.

Jeff: And this holiday season, as we all know thanks to Bill O’Reilly, belongs exclusively to Christians.

Jason: That’s true. Despite my insistence that we really need to put the Mellow back in Mellowmas. That’s more important than whatever he’s pleading for.

Jeff: I think Bill would say we’ve definitely been guilty of leaving Christian bands out of the Mellowmas mix. Actually, he’d probably say we were guilty of a number of things, but that might go first on the list. And I think he might have a point. I mean, Christians invented terrible Christmas music, right?

Jason: We haven’t covered Christian bands before? I know we almost covered VeggieTales last year but didn’t at the last minute. Have we really stayed away from seriously religious artists? I’m so numb, I can’t remember.

Jeff: Well, we did cover Lemmy that one time. Does that count?

Jason: If I say yes, can we skip whatever we’re about to listen to?

Jeff: Or is Lemmy a Muslim? I forget.

Jason: Lemmy is…a lot of things.

Jeff: Lemmy is not, however, a member of something called “4HIM.”

Jason: 4WHO?

Jeff: HIM! You know…L. Ron Hubbard. Isn’t that the guy Christians worship? I forget.

Jason: “4Him was a Contemporary Christian group founded in 1990 in Alabama, USA.”

Jeff: As opposed to Alabama, Italy.

Jason: Dammit, Alabama! First you give us Alabama. Then you give us 4HIM.

“The group has a Grammy nomination, seven Dove awards and an album certified gold to their credit.”

Jeff: Isn’t Dove a soap?

Jason: Or a chocolate company? Or a chocolate soap company?

Jeff: I think a “Dove award” is what happens when you drop the soap in prison, isn’t it?

I guess I shouldn’t poke fun at a band with a Grammy nomination and a gold-certified album of L. Ron Hubbard hymns to their credit.

Jason: Plus they’ve had 24 number one singles.

Jeff: In Alabama, Italy?

Jason: On the Billboard Hot 100, no less.

Jeff: That is absolutely not true.

Jason: Yeah, I know. I just wanted to say it.

Jeff: I was hoping you’d read it in their Wikipedia entry, so we could reveal 4HIM fans as lying sacks. Oh well. Maybe listening to a song by the band will relieve some of my disappointment?

Jason: I guess we’re about to find out, huh?

Jeff: Are you ready to be rocked by the hand of Jesus L. Hubbard?

Jason: Take me to the Season of Love!

4Him — The Season of Love (download)

From Christmas The Season of Love

Jeff: Big drums! And oh my God, we have horns! And cheesy electric guitar! Is this Chicago?

Jason: I didn’t think this was possible, but they look like a whiter version of Color Me Badd.

Jeff: Oh wow, you’re right. I’m sort of mesmerized by the dude in the red sweater with the inappropriate mustache. There’s something about the way he’s looking at me, underneath all that forehead.

Jason: They’re talking about abandoned kids! What a downer!

Jeff, this is TOTALLY Chicago.

Jeff: Jason, if we all will play our part, this will truly become the season of love.

Jason: So wait a second. This song is saying that we should adopt homeless people. And if we do that, it’ll be the season of love?

Jeff: You have plenty of homeless people! Go grab one right now.

Jason: Hang on, heading back to Wikipedia to see how many homeless people the members of 4HIM have adopted. Looks like their number is zero.

Jeff: Oooh, that one guy got soulful when he sang “God.”

Jason: Yeah, what was he saying? All the homeless need is the power of God to set them free?

Jeff: I think he pooped.

Jason: I think they probably need, like, soup and a coat more.

Jeff: Hey, who’s this asshole?

Jason: That’s a guy?

Jeff: I think? Is that Jason Scheff?

Jason: That’s gotta be the guy at the top of the picture.

Jeff: Mr. Sexually Ambiguous Mullet and Shoulder Pads?

Jason: That’s the one! I kind of like the harmonies, to be honest. But seriously? Foster wasn’t behind this?

Jeff: I’m going to make a Mellowmas wager that Bill Champlin was involved in this somehow. Big breakdown! Something that was supposed to sound like a Hammond!

Cursory Google search has yielded what I believe may be a background vocal credit on this song for not only Bill Champlin, but also his wife.

Jason: You’re KIDDING ME.

Jeff: I’m clicking on the link. Cover me in case of thetan outbreak.

Jason: Hold fast, Xenu!

Jeff: Hmm.

Jason: I can see Bruce Gaitsch has been involved with this band at some point.

Jeff: Where Gaitsch goes, Champlin follows. I don’t know. I can’t find anything. But this sounds exactly like a leftover Chicago song. Hey, I think Chicago is releasing yet another goddamn Christmas album this year. Maybe this will be on it!

Jason: Yeah. Definitely. I wonder if this was Chicago just trying to make extra money, and they hired these guys. Like, they’re the C+C Music Factory of the Christian music scene.

Jeff: Which one of these clowns is Martha Wash?

Jason: C+C = Chicago + Christian?

Jeff: shudder So I guess the moral of the story is that you need to adopt a homeless person.

Jason: You too, Jeff! Every one of us!

Jeff: We don’t have homeless people here! The bears eat them every Thanksgiving.

Jason: Come visit, I’m sure I can drum one up for you.

Jeff: Pa rum pa pum pum?

Jason: Me and my bum!