The Third Day of Mellowmas: Bill O’Reilly, Prison Soap, and L. Ron Hubbard

Jeff: Ahhhh. Feel that Mellowmas spirit on the winter wind!

Jason: I already have frostbite! This is an awful season! God, why do I let this happen every year?

Jeff: The same reason you still open emails from me. You’re eternally hopeful! Either that, or you have a really dark, masochistic streak.

Jason: They all say “A Gift From Jeff,” and I eagerly click before I even know what I’ve done.

Jeff: And every time, it makes me so happy.

Jason: It’s like God is punishing me.

Jeff: Well, you are a Jew.

Jason: A lonely Jew. A tortured Jew.

Jeff: And this holiday season, as we all know thanks to Bill O’Reilly, belongs exclusively to Christians.

Jason: That’s true. Despite my insistence that we really need to put the Mellow back in Mellowmas. That’s more important than whatever he’s pleading for.

Jeff: I think Bill would say we’ve definitely been guilty of leaving Christian bands out of the Mellowmas mix. Actually, he’d probably say we were guilty of a number of things, but that might go first on the list. And I think he might have a point. I mean, Christians invented terrible Christmas music, right?

Jason: We haven’t covered Christian bands before? I know we almost covered VeggieTales last year but didn’t at the last minute. Have we really stayed away from seriously religious artists? I’m so numb, I can’t remember.

Jeff: Well, we did cover Lemmy that one time. Does that count?

Jason: If I say yes, can we skip whatever we’re about to listen to?

Jeff: Or is Lemmy a Muslim? I forget.

Jason: Lemmy is…a lot of things.

Jeff: Lemmy is not, however, a member of something called “4HIM.”

Jason: 4WHO?

Jeff: HIM! You know…L. Ron Hubbard. Isn’t that the guy Christians worship? I forget.

Jason: “4Him was a Contemporary Christian group founded in 1990 in Alabama, USA.”

Jeff: As opposed to Alabama, Italy.

Jason: Dammit, Alabama! First you give us Alabama. Then you give us 4HIM.

“The group has a Grammy nomination, seven Dove awards and an album certified gold to their credit.”

Jeff: Isn’t Dove a soap?

Jason: Or a chocolate company? Or a chocolate soap company?

Jeff: I think a “Dove award” is what happens when you drop the soap in prison, isn’t it?

I guess I shouldn’t poke fun at a band with a Grammy nomination and a gold-certified album of L. Ron Hubbard hymns to their credit.

Jason: Plus they’ve had 24 number one singles.

Jeff: In Alabama, Italy?

Jason: On the Billboard Hot 100, no less.

Jeff: That is absolutely not true.

Jason: Yeah, I know. I just wanted to say it.

Jeff: I was hoping you’d read it in their Wikipedia entry, so we could reveal 4HIM fans as lying sacks. Oh well. Maybe listening to a song by the band will relieve some of my disappointment?

Jason: I guess we’re about to find out, huh?

Jeff: Are you ready to be rocked by the hand of Jesus L. Hubbard?

Jason: Take me to the Season of Love!

4Him — The Season of Love (download)

From Christmas The Season of Love

Jeff: Big drums! And oh my God, we have horns! And cheesy electric guitar! Is this Chicago?

Jason: I didn’t think this was possible, but they look like a whiter version of Color Me Badd.

Jeff: Oh wow, you’re right. I’m sort of mesmerized by the dude in the red sweater with the inappropriate mustache. There’s something about the way he’s looking at me, underneath all that forehead.

Jason: They’re talking about abandoned kids! What a downer!

Jeff, this is TOTALLY Chicago.

Jeff: Jason, if we all will play our part, this will truly become the season of love.

Jason: So wait a second. This song is saying that we should adopt homeless people. And if we do that, it’ll be the season of love?

Jeff: You have plenty of homeless people! Go grab one right now.

Jason: Hang on, heading back to Wikipedia to see how many homeless people the members of 4HIM have adopted. Looks like their number is zero.

Jeff: Oooh, that one guy got soulful when he sang “God.”

Jason: Yeah, what was he saying? All the homeless need is the power of God to set them free?

Jeff: I think he pooped.

Jason: I think they probably need, like, soup and a coat more.

Jeff: Hey, who’s this asshole?

Jason: That’s a guy?

Jeff: I think? Is that Jason Scheff?

Jason: That’s gotta be the guy at the top of the picture.

Jeff: Mr. Sexually Ambiguous Mullet and Shoulder Pads?

Jason: That’s the one! I kind of like the harmonies, to be honest. But seriously? Foster wasn’t behind this?

Jeff: I’m going to make a Mellowmas wager that Bill Champlin was involved in this somehow. Big breakdown! Something that was supposed to sound like a Hammond!

Cursory Google search has yielded what I believe may be a background vocal credit on this song for not only Bill Champlin, but also his wife.

Jason: You’re KIDDING ME.

Jeff: I’m clicking on the link. Cover me in case of thetan outbreak.

Jason: Hold fast, Xenu!

Jeff: Hmm.

Jason: I can see Bruce Gaitsch has been involved with this band at some point.

Jeff: Where Gaitsch goes, Champlin follows. I don’t know. I can’t find anything. But this sounds exactly like a leftover Chicago song. Hey, I think Chicago is releasing yet another goddamn Christmas album this year. Maybe this will be on it!

Jason: Yeah. Definitely. I wonder if this was Chicago just trying to make extra money, and they hired these guys. Like, they’re the C+C Music Factory of the Christian music scene.

Jeff: Which one of these clowns is Martha Wash?

Jason: C+C = Chicago + Christian?

Jeff: shudder So I guess the moral of the story is that you need to adopt a homeless person.

Jason: You too, Jeff! Every one of us!

Jeff: We don’t have homeless people here! The bears eat them every Thanksgiving.

Jason: Come visit, I’m sure I can drum one up for you.

Jeff: Pa rum pa pum pum?

Jason: Me and my bum!

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare
Two people, separate rooms
Trying to hurt the other
Bound together by destiny
Is there nothing they won’t do?
Will we never see them through?