The Thirteenth Day of Mellowmas: Happy Melismas II You

Written by Mellowmas, Music

Just in time for Mariah Carey’s new Christmas special, here’s a peek inside her latest holiday music cash-in.

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Jason: Hey, look who’s back to capitalize on Christmas once again!

Jeff: I have to admit, no one fills out an elf outfit quite like Mrs. Nick Cannon.

Jason: Mariah, stop being so greedy. Your last Christmas album is NEVER EVER GOING AWAY. People will be buying that album until the end of time.

Jeff: And I think we’re both okay with that, aren’t we? I bought it when it was released, and I remember enjoying it. Way back when we thought we could count on Mariah to deliver dependably average dance music.

Jason: Way back when it was about her voice! As I have mentioned many times before, Mariah’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You” is the last original holiday classic.

Jeff: What? You don’t count Incubus’ “Get Your Dreidel On”?

Jason: Oh, glad you reminded me! I do not. I challenge our readers to think of an original Christmas song newer than Mariah’s that gets played on every single Christmas radio station across the country.

Jeff: But I guess that isn’t good enough for Mariah, because here we have Merry Christmas II You.

Jason: I have to admit, I do like that title.

Jeff: It’s sort of clever. And I don’t mind looking at the cover. Remember her episode of Cribs, where she took viewers on a tour of her insane penthouse apartment?

Jason: Oh yes.

Jeff: I want to imagine she has a snowy rooftop room, and that that’s where this cover photo was taken.

Jason: I like the cover too. Specifically, I like how her cheekbones are just as roundly pronounced as her boobs. That’s some good Photoshoppin’ right there.

Jeff: She has been mammarily blessed. I do miss the days when she was a scrawny little torch song-singing thing, though.

Jason: That’s not the only thing inauthentic about the cover, though.

Jeff: Fake snowman?

Jason: Behind her? POWER LINES. You think Mariah would stand for power lines behind her?

Jeff: Maybe Mariah controls New York’s electricity.

Jason: It makes me wonder what this cover is trying to say about her.

Jeff: “I wish I was 20.”

Jason: “I’m still a girl from the city! Even though I grew up on Long Island!”

Jeff: “I’m not too old to get into the club. I swear I’m not too old to get into the club.” Actually, I guess all of her album covers boil down to the same thing: “I’m crrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaazy!”

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: Life with Mariah must be an endless adventure.

Jason: Oh man. I would not want to be her assistant.

Jeff: “We’re having lamb waffles for breakfast this morning!”

Jason: “I SAID WE’RE HAVING LAMB WAFFLES FOR BREAKFAST THIS MORNING!”
throws glass jar of syrup at door
I bet Mariah Carey is why Mrs. Butterworth’s switched to plastic bottles.

Jeff: “Tonight, we’re having lunch in Cairo!”
“Tonight? But lunch is in the afternoon.”
“TONIGHT WE’RE HAVING LUNCH IN CAIRO GODDAMMIT”

Jason: throws glass jar of syrup at door

Jeff: When can we have a Mariah Carey reality show?

Jason: I like this idea I just made up of Mariah Carey always having a glass jar of syrup nearby so she can throw it at a door.

Jeff: Pretty sure that’s on page 15 of her concert rider.

Jason: So what has Mariah gifted us with this year, my friend?

Jeff: Well, glancing at the track listing, it seems like most of Merry Christmas II You is pretty ordinary stuff. With one exceptional caveat. I would like to direct your attention to Track 8.

Jason: “Charlie Brown Christmas”?

Jeff: That’s the one! Jason, I ask you: WHAT DOES MARIAH CAREY HAVE TO DO WITH CHARLIE BROWN?

Jason: Wait, there’s no such song called “Charlie Brown Christmas.”

Jeff: I can’t believe that’s your first question. I’m looking at this album cover and thinking we’ve got about five years before Mariah pays some animators to insert her into the original A Charlie Brown Christmas.

Jason: Oh my god. I can totally see that. Cartoon Mariah, clawing out Lucy’s eyes.

Jeff: Just imagine a cartoon Mariah, draping herself over Schroeder’s piano like Michelle Pfeiffer in The Fabulous Baker Boys.

Jason: I’m confused. Is this a song where she sings about Charlie Brown?

Jeff: I hope this is a song where she sings about Charlie Brown. I hope it isn’t what I think it is.

Jason: Only one way to find out.

Jeff: sigh

Jason: Hey, you suggested it, asshole!
throws glass jar of syrup at door

Jeff: Mariah Carey has the body of a Solid Gold dancer, but the personality of a desperately happy middle-aged secretary who wears light-up Frosty the Snowman sweaters during the holidays.

Jason: Sounds like you’ve got a case of the Mondays, my friend.

Jeff: Goddammit, let’s just get this out of the way. I’m warning you, Mariah Carey…

Jason: Yeah? Or else what? I guarantee Mariah Carey will have you bought and sold before the last note of “Charlie Brown Christmas.”

Jeff: “I SAID WE’RE HAVING A CHARLIE BROWN CHRISTMAS”

Jason: “…WHO THE HELL BROUGHT ME AUNT JEMIMA?”

Jeff: Ha! It’s getting pretty sticky in here. Let’s see what Mariah wants II sing II us.

Jason: I don’t want II, but okay.

Mariah Carey — Charlie Brown Christmas (download)

From Merry Christmas II You


Jeff: Who let Vince Guaraldi in here? And why are people talking? This is so disrespectful.

Jason: Did Mariah Carey buy Vince Guaraldi?

Jeff: All that aside, this is my favorite Mariah Carey song ever.

Jason: Yeah, this is kind of fun. I like it. Doo-dee-doo-dee-doo!

Jeff: Oh no! Stop it!
STOP IT, MARIAH

Jason: What the hell is this? Oh my God. Mariah Carey is taking “Christmastime Is Here” and trying to make it sexy.

Jeff: This is Mariah singing “Christmastime Is Here” as though she’s Marilyn Monroe singing it to John F. Kennedy.

Jason: This is disgusting! Mariah, stop being so breathy!

Jeff: Where’s Lee Harvey Oswald when you need him?
Ah, there’s the melisma. Of course melisma.

Jason: She can’t sing a song without it, Jeff.

Jeff: Happy Melisma II You, Jason.

Jason: looks for maple syrup, ducks
We should do an offshoot of this holiday called Melismas, where we just listen to overblown, R&B Christmas covers.

Jeff: What. The. HELL. Was. That?

Jason: I don’t know, but it made me feel dirty inside.

Jeff: I’d really like to know who thought of this.

Jason: I mean, if they were going to include all those people talking in the background in the beginning, they should have kept them throughout the song. “BOOO!”

Jeff: “Sing ‘Vision of Love’!”

Jason: “YOU’RE PISSING ON A CHRISTMAS CLASSIC!”
“YOU JUST GAVE THE GHOST OF CHARLES SCHULZ HERPES!”

Jeff: Was that the closest Mariah has come to a piano in 20 years? I guess we should be thankful we didn’t have to listen to a guest verse by T.I. or Flo Rida.

Jason: Wow. You just gave me something to be thankful for. I’m impressed. I think I know what the problem is.

Jeff: THE problem?

Jason: Well, okay. One of the problems. Mariah doesn’t have much vocal talent left, right?

Jeff: You’ve heard her sing live more recently than I have. I know you were pissed about her performance at Michael Jackson’s funeral.

Jason: She’s nothing like what she used to be. She’s blown out her voice yelling at people and throwing syrup. So what does she have left? Sex appeal.

Jeff: And this relates to Charlie Brown how?

Jason: Oh, it doesn’t. Not in the slightest. And I respect the idea. I think combining “Linus and Lucy” and this song is fun.

Jeff: This makes me want to hear Al Jarreau’s cover of “Happiness.” Also, it makes me want to hear Al Jarreau open-palm slapping Mariah Carey.

Jason: ‘Cause you just know Al Jarreau does not know how to make a fist.

Jeff: I didn’t like this song, obviously, but I’m sort of grateful that Mariah still has enough diva power to do stuff like this.

Jason: Stuff like what?

Jeff: Like the batshit insane 2:45 we just spent.

Jason: And why are you grateful?

Jeff: You’ve got to work pretty hard to take a mainstream Christmas release and work in something legitimately nutty. Mariah did it, because no one can tell her no.

Jason: I don’t think she sees this as nutty at all. And I bet most of her audience doesn’t, either. It’s just sensible, old out-of-touch crackers like us.

Jeff: I’m sure you’re right on the first count. If you’re right on the second one, I am sad.

Jason: Somewhere out there, two people are getting their groove on to “Charlie Brown Christmas.” And I guarantee you that next September, a baby will be born, and that baby will have been conceived to Mariah’s breathy take on Vince Guaraldi. Good luck sleeping tonight.

Jeff: I’m combing the Amazon reviews, looking for someone who loves this track. Here’s something encouraging: “I don’t know what happened during this recording but the result’s SUCK.” Oh, wait. They go on: “Stores are not even carrying Jessica Simpsons NEW Happy Christmas cd and it’s a SINCERELY GREAT 2nd Christmas cd for her. I’ts all great song’s and singing W/O all that “FLUFF” and RAP?!?!”

Jason: Wait. We’re not really going to listen to someone who praises Jessica Simpson’s CD, are we?

Jeff: No. I am sad.
Wait!
“I actually prefer the Peanuts version, And then to have the Charlie Brown piano in the beginning was too much for me. She should have left this alone, She should’ve sang another Christmas classic instead.”

Jason: Ha! Nevertheless, I stand by my statement. Someone is getting laid to this song. I promise you.

Jeff: Only Nick Cannon, I hope. And I hope he’s crying while it happens.
“This is such an endearing, sweet and innocent track that will connect with so many people all over the world.”

Jason: YES! “Also, it will totally get me laid.”

Jeff: “I love that fact that she did her own version of “Charlie Brown Christmas” makes me feel like a little kid again.”

Jason: See? Even pedophiles are getting into it!

Jeff: “The “Charlie Brown Christmas” medley was nicely done, another track where she incorporates the whispery voice and it works to perfection, but I think the “Linus & Lucy” piano intro at the beginning was unnecessary.”

Jason: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Jeff: “That music from “A Charlie Brown Christmas” stuns me with its beauty.”

Jason: THAT’S what I’m talking about!

Jeff: “Very subdued, which works for me in this song. I do not know whether it is because of the Carpenters’ version, but it works for me.” Ugh. I’m II sad II go on.

Jason: Well, I feel like my Christmas has been sufficiently violated. How about you?

Jeff: Christmas has been violated, there’s syrup everywhere, and the ghost of Charles Schulz has herpes.

Jason: Oh, and one more thing: The Carpenters, to my knowledge, never recorded this song.

Jeff: I did a couple of Google searches and found no mention of it at all. Although I think Karen Carpenter’s ghost might have herpes now, too.

Jason: Just perfect. Happy Melismas II one and all!
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