The Twenty-Fifth Day of Mellowmas: Wingmas!

Jason: Jeff, are you awake?

Jeff: Ah, Mellowmas morn!

Jason: Is it…is it…is it here? I’m a little groggy.

Jeff: I put a little something extra in your eggnog last night.

Can you smell the holiday spirit in the air?

Jason: I can’t smell anything. My nose is all stuffed. I think Smash Mouth gave me a cold. I think I fell asleep around 4 or 5 AM, but only for about 10 minutes. Suddenly, I heard Steve Harwell yelling.

Jeff: That may have been your mom.

Jason: He was all “IZZAT YOU SANNA CLAUS???” and I think I accidentally wet the bed.

Jeff: Hey, look! The fortune cookies you left out are gone!

Jason: They….they are?

Jeff: There’s a note on the table!

Jason: There….there is?

Jeff: Let’s see what it says.

Jason: Read it to me. My eyes are all sleepy. It’s so sleepy in here.

Jeff: “Dear Jaseff & Jon,

Thank for cookies. Please enjoy my musicas.”

“Love,

Wing”

Jason: gasp

Jeff: gasp

Jason: OH NO! Not….not Wing!

Jeff: claps

Jason: Oh NO!

Jeff: Wing is Santa Mellow!

Jason: This is the worst Mellowmas Day EVER! This is worse than Starland Vocal Band! This is worse than “Wonderful Christmastime“!

Jeff: It’s the most perfectly logical conclusion to Mellowmas! What, I ask you, is more Mellowmas than Wing?

Jason: You know what? You’re right. I don’t want you to be right. But you’re right. It’s true. Earnest + shit = Mellowmas.

Jeff: Oh, I’m so excited. I wonder which timeless carols Wing performs on her holiday album, Everyone Sings Carols with Wing. Hmmm…let’s see…”Ca Si Na Mu”?

Jason: “It Came Upon a Midnight Clear”!

Jeff: “Sheung Hai Tan II”?

Jason: “(Chinese Version).” Which is a relief, because the Korean version really weirds me out.

Jeff: “O Mio Babbino Caro”?

Jason: Wait, wait, wait. “Vision of Love”?

Jeff: That can’t be the Mariah Carey song. Can it?

Jason: “When You Believe”? That would be TWO Mariah Carey songs, Jeff.

Jeff: Which is perfect. Seeing as how Mariah Carey has actually recorded a Christmas album. And Wing could have done a song or two from that. Maybe these are different songs titled “Vision of Love” and “When You Believe.”

Jason: Hold on. I’m on the phone with the airline, booking my ticket to Sarajevo.

Jeff: Make sure they don’t seat you next to Bolton. I hear he snores.

Jason: I would take Bolton snoring in my ear over Wing singing Christmas carols.

Jeff: Fortunately, you don’t have a choice in the matter. Where should we begin? I’m so excited, I can’t pick.

Jason: Sigh

I can’t believe this. This is the way Mellowmas ends?

Okay, fine. “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town” (download).

Jeff: “(To Kick Wing’s Ass).”

Jason: Hey, those horns sound real.

Jeff: Nice backing!

Jason: UGH!

Jeff: Oh no!

Jason: ACK!

Jeff: Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing

Jason: Did you hear the “Why?” in the background? That was me, yelling “WHY, WING? WHY!??!”

Jeff: I want you to know, it’s taking everything I have to type right now. I’m laughing so hard I can barely see. I’d love to know how this was recorded.

Jason: Oh, I think it’s obvious.

Jeff: Were those backing vocalists in the studio with Wing? Were they real?

Jason: Oh, hell no. Wing’s producer goes out and spends $5.99 on a karaoke track. $6.41 with tax.

Jeff: He sees when you are sleeping! He knows if you been back or good! I’m dancing in my chair.

Jason: Can you imagine what the karaoke backing singers would think if they heard this?

Jeff: Oh, I wish I could be there to see that.

Jason: Had they known, they might have demanded more money. I mean, the difference between the two styles is just hysterical.

Jeff: I keep hoping Wing will record an album with live musicians. Big finish! Wow!

Jason: Ooh, she’s holding out that last note! She nailed it!

Jeff: Wing’s got some lungs on her!

Jason: She nailed in that way that only Wing can nail it!

Jeff: With a fucking nail gun, right through the cerebral cortex!

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: Ba-DOW!

Jason: I’m starting to perk up a little.

Jeff: See?

Jason: Hang on, let me get some eggnog from my fridge. I need something to help me swallow this Percocet.

Jeff: Now you’re getting into it.

Jason: Shall we listen to another?

Jeff: Oh, let’s.

Jason: “Jingle Bells” (download)?

Jeff: I’d love to.

Jason: Okay!

Jeff: Oooh!

Jason: More real horns!

Jeff: Uptempo!

Jason: Another $6.41!

Jeff: Over sheels we go!

Jason: Laughing all the weeeey!

Jeff: Oh my God, I love this so much.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Listen to how she punches “Bells!” She’s fucking serious about jingle bells!

Jeff: Satan by my side?

Jason: And soon Miss Fencing Bright?

Jeff: I completely lost track of what she was saying back there.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! This is AWESOME!

Jeff: I don’t care. I’m just going with the flow.

Jason: Yeah, me too. I’m grooving a little in my chair now.

Jeff: She sounds out of breath. I wonder if her asshole producer sped up the track just to mess with Wing.

Jason: My cats are trying to flush themselves down the toilet.

Jeff: Another big finish!

Jason: What? Only 1:47? NO! Noooooo!

Jeff: Whatever. I have it on a loop.

Jason: I can’t believe what I’m saying, but that wasn’t enough.

Jeff: I’m dashing froo the snow again. Did she say “sing a snake song tonight”?

Jason: She might have! It’s Wing!

I love this. Another! Another!

Jeff: Yes!

Jason: Just not “Ca Si Na Mu,” because iTunes says it’s 6:02.

Jeff: How about “It Came Upon a Midnight Clear” (download)?

Jason: Okay, THOSE are synths.

Jeff: Is that David Foster on the keys?

Jason: It came upon a mit! night clear!

Jeff: So. Much. Wing. This could be none more Wing. She has Winged to 11.

Jason: I told you back during Earmageddon: I kind of love this stuff now.

Jeff: Piss on the Earth?

Jason: Hey, man. It’s Wing’s world. We just live in it.

Jeff: This sort of reminds me of going to church when I was younger.

Jason: Yeah?

Jeff: Although if Wing had been a member of my church, I’d still be there. Like, living there. Just hoping to catch a glimpse of her Wingness.

Jason: In the church.

Jeff: Yeah. Hey, do you think she does more than one take of these songs? Because I hope she does.

Jason: Why?

Jeff: Because it would just complete the effect for me. You know, the artist, laboring over her craft. The producer, painstakingly stitching together different vocal takes. The mixer, downing a fifth of bourbon.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha! It’s too bad this wasn’t done in the ’80s. I’m imagining the producer with a razor blade.

Jeff: Oh, that would be great.

Jason: Trying to decide whether to cut the track or his wrist.

Jeff: Ha ha ha! I’m imagining the poor fucker who had to master this and laughing my ass off.

Jason: You know, maybe it’s that I’m used to Wing, but I definitely don’t consider this the worst thing of the Mellowmas season.

Jeff: Nor do I. In fact, I want to listen to this all day. Maybe if I listen to it enough times, I’ll be able to understand the lyrics.

Jason: Oh, I doubt it.

Jeff: Do fro alovin ass in fry

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: Ag bah in free a bah say mah

Jason: You sound like Michael McDonald on the bayou!

Jeff: I remember that Michael McDonald song. It’s great, but not as great as this.

Jason: How much would you love to hear a duet between Wing and the Singing Saw?

Jeff: How could you tell them apart? I think the Saw might have better diction.

Jason: By the way, at my Acoustic ’80s gig last week, we’re playing “Last Christmas” by Wham!, and I hear someone in the audience yell, “Where’s the singing saw?” It was Jon Cummings.

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha! You WERE supposed to learn how to play it.

Jason: And it made me happy. Not because he was heckling, but because it meant that he had really listened to the Singing Saw. I think that may be the worst of Mellowmas 2008.

Jeff: I may have to agree, although I still say the fucking Archies were pretty painful. And I’m having a hard time deciding whether Shelley Duvall or the Germans were scarier.

Jason: You’re being such a baby about the Archies.

Jeff: Horrible. Just horrible.

Jason: I vote for Singing Saw or Duvall for the worst of Mellowmas ’08.

Jeff: The best, of course, was Mr. Alan O’Day.

Jason: Oh, of course. I mean, not that it’s saying much, considering everything else, but Alan O’Day is my hero. An artist with a fantastic creative mind and a sharp sense of humor.

Jeff: He’s won the everlasting devotion of our entire staff. Especially Terje “Curtis Armstrong” Fjelde.

Jason: Yes. Everyone knows Terje, of course. Terje has lovingly devoted himself, as you all know, to nothing but David Foster’s music.

Jeff: And he still talks to us!

Jason: But some of you may not know that Terje is so goddamn obsessed with David Foster that he actually can compose and record in the David Foster style.

Jeff: Terje’s first Foster pastiche, “Baseball in the Backyard,” is one of my favorite tracks of 2008, even though he recorded it in 1997.

Jason: I agree. Mine, too. So when Terje heard Alan’s masterpiece, “Have a Very Mellowmas (Theme From Mellowmas),” he was…inspired.

So it seems fitting to close this year’s Mellowmas season with Terje’s re-interpretation of Alan’s creation. Alan has heard this, by the way.

Jeff: More fitting than Wing?

Jason: You know what he said? “Terje, you’ve produced a masterpiece from a demo of emotional nothingness. I shudder to think what you would do if you were given a decent song to work with!”

Jeff: Ha ha ha!

Jason: This is why I love Alan O’Day.

Jeff: One of many reasons, yes. If any of you haven’t bought Alan’s latest album yet…well, I don’t know what to say to you. Other than BUY ALAN O’DAY’S LATEST ALBUM RIGHT NOW.

Jason: Well, this seems to be the end, huh?

Jeff: It’s been a long road to Mellowmas.

Jason: We’ve been through so much this year. I’m exhausted.

Jeff: Parting with this season is always such sweet sorrow.

Jason: Maybe for you! I think our readers will be happy to get back to regular Popdose coverage.

Jeff: Yes, and I’m sure they’ll enjoy meeting all our new columnists and reading all our new features. And seeing the site’s new design.

But still…

Mellowmas…

sniff

Jason: Yes, We thank you all for making it through The 25 Days of Mellowmas, for sure. Give me a hug, buddy. Happy Mellowmas, my friend.

Jeff: And a very Happy Mellowmas to you. Shall we cue up the love theme of the season?

Jason: Hey…did you just fart? Dude! Not cool to fart while we’re hugging!

Jeff: That was the hidden bonus track on the Wing album, I think.

Jason: Enjoy “Love Theme From Mellowmas” (download). Share it with the ones you love, if they’re still with you after listening to everything else from this season.

Jeff: We’ll meet you back here on January 1.

Jason: Happy Mellowmas to all!