The Twenty-Third Day of Mellowmas: Liberace and the Christmas Vest

Written by Mellowmas, Music

Liberace – Beauty of Holiness (download)

From ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas Amazon iTunes

Jason: Funny. This doesn’t SOUND gay.

Jeff: It sounds like it was ripped from the vinyl.

Jason: Oh wait, now it does.

Jeff: Oh boy. What’s going on here?

Jason: I have no idea. I think Liberace is getting blown under the table during Christmas dinner.

Jeff: Is he wearing that coat while it’s happening?

Jason: Seriously, I don’t even know what he’s talking about. What is he talking about?

Jeff: I don’t know, but I think I love this song.

Jason: Holy the night. The winter winds are clean.

Jeff: I think I’m going to play it for my family every year. It’s going to be the tradition that my kids bitch about when they’re grown.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha! Awesome. “Dear Lord, we would come to thee as the ancients came of old.”

Jeff: You’re right, he really is getting blown!

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: He’s giving the ancients the glory! Give it to them, Libby!

Jason: The glory hole?

Jeff: That’s the one!

Jason: Huh. The track is over.

Jeff: That was extremely subdued for a Liberace song.

Jason: Agreed. I was expecting something much more flamboyant.

Jeff: I was expecting, like, Fred Schneider.

Jason: Or one of Lee Greenwood’s uptempo numbers. Seriously, what is this? Lee Greenwood actually has come further out of the closet than Liberace.

Jeff: Right — but this is more like the Rush Limbaugh version of “The Night Before Christmas” that you long ago declared off-limits for Mellowmas.

Jason: That track came on my iPod the other day. Why did I declare it off-limits? I forget.

Jeff: Because of your liberal bias, I imagine. And also because it’s terrible.

Jason: Yeah, I think you’re right. I think I didn’t want to give Rush Limbaugh any publicity whatsoever.

Jeff: This song, on the other hand, makes me feel like putting on a cardigan and eating a fruitcake. Unfortunately, I own neither a cardigan nor a fruitcake. C’mon over in a sweater and I’ll have both! Wakka wakka wakka!

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: Oh, look at this.

Jason: Ha, I bet we’re looking at the same thing right now.

Jeff: Liberace’s final television appearance?

Jason: No, I was looking up somebody’s collection of ornaments from Liberace. What do you have? We’re gifting each other Liberace. This is better than any other gift we’ve gotten each other.

Jeff: It is, isn’t it? I was just reading that “his final television appearance was on Christmas Day that same year on the recently-aired Oprah Winfrey Show TV talk show.” He died from AIDS complications, but “his obvious weight loss in the months prior to his death was attributed to a “watermelon diet” by his longtime and steadfast manager Seymour Heller.”

Jason: Wow. Wow.

Jeff: Now, about this other URL. “Bob’s Liberace”?

“Christmas was undoubtedly Liberace’s most favorite time of year. He once spent $25,000 on decorations alone, but lets not forget that included 12 full sized reindeer, a life sized nativity scene and 18 fully decorated Christmas trees.” Holy fuck!

Jason: Here are some Christmas cards Bob has collected from Liberace’s brother, George!

Jeff: Yeah, and the Liberace “‘Twas the Night Before Christmas” 8-track!

Jason: If you go to the homepage, it says the following:

“I love Christmas carols; but then who doesn’t?
The local boys’ choir gave me
a particular thrill one year.”

– Liberace, The Things I love, 1976

Jeff: “PLEASE NOTE: I have NEVER at ANY time owned an 8-track tape player.” Haaaaaaaaaaaaa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! I bet that means EXACTLY what you think it means.

Jason: Wait, wait. Jeff, check this out.

Jeff: I just gasped.

Jason: Jeff, I am contacting Bob and offering him as much money as I have so I can give you a Liberace Santa table ornament.

Jeff: I…understand. I will put it on my table.

Jason: I will offer Bob my first born if I have to. Since I’m guessing Bob isn’t married to a woman.

Jeff: If he is, we must meet her. I wonder if they’ll consent to an interview?

Jason: As long as we don’t ask if he’s ever owned an 8-track tape player, I think we’re good.

Jeff: Excellent. We already know what’s going to top things off for Mellowmas IV.
You read it here first, people. Popdose will be posting directions for a punch-out Liberace Santa table ornament.

Jason: Here’s Liberace playing his Christmas medley in the ’80s!

[kml_flashembed movie="" width="425" height="350" wmode="transparent" /]

Jeff: I’m playing this now. My family is here. Imagine how well Libby could have played piano without all those fucking rings?

Jason: This is way too classy. I was expecting campy.

Jeff: We have time. It’s four minutes long.

Jason: Forget it. I’m not watching this. It’s not doing any of the things I want it to. You stay here and watch. I’m going over to eBay to find you some Liberace Christmas memorabilia.

Jeff: I wish he was wearing that white coat. How in the hell did this man become famous?

Jason: Can I buy you this?

“Truly one of a kind, like new condition! You will stand out in a crowd for sure!”

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

“Photos do not show how bright this vest really is.”

Jason: “Note: This jacket has NEVER at ANY time owned an 8-track tape player!”

Jeff: Perfect! Do you think we could get Robert to wear this on next year’s Popdose Christmas card?

Jason: I think Robert would wear this in a heartbeat. We need to get one of our writers who would never wear it. Maybe we could get Scott to run his marathon in it?

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Jason: This is actually a good idea! Scott could offer to wear it if everybody donates a certain amount.

Jeff: I will donate $20.

Jason: I want to buy this for you, and then I want you to post a picture of you wearing it. Possibly with your wife standing next to you, trying to smile.

Jeff: She wants to know what she has to wear. Don’t answer that.

Jason: Ha! She can wear whatever she wants. She just has to stand next to you and try not to look ashamed, like she usually does.

Man. Now I wish I could buy two. One for each of us. And we could do a holiday card. The four of us. Our wives, rolling their eyes as usual. You and I, pleased as punch. Gay punch.

Jeff: I would love that. Find it.

Jason: Well, for this year, this one vest will have to do. I can’t wait for you to try it on. And I want the picture. I want it posted for Mellowmas.

Jeff: You get the vest here. I’ll see about doing the rest.

Jason: “I’ll see”? I’m going to drop $20 on this vest for an “I’ll see”?

Jeff: And, you know, if any other readers care to send in their own bits of treasured Liberace memorabilia…

Jason: I’m bidding on the vest. Don’t let me down. Do it for me. And Libby. And for the beauty of holiness.

Jeff: Don’t worry, Jason. I will come as the ancients.

Jason: Praise God!