If you were a child of the ’80s, you or somebody you knew probably owned a Cabbage Patch Kids doll. They were so popular that stores were inundated with customers wanting them at Christmas. (For those of you too young to remember, imagine the frenzy of the Tickle Me Elmo and the Nintendo Wii Christmases put together.) The albumÂ Cabbage Patch Dreams attempts to put together a storyline for these characters.
In the first song, a stork introduces the concept of the Cabbage Patch Kids, which somehow involve magic cabbages and bunny bee crystals. Don’t ask me to explain that. I don’t get it either.
You can’t have an adventure without a villain, and in this case we get three of them: Lavender McDade (your typical scary little old lady), Beau Weasel (a weasel), and Cabbage Jack, a rabbit who’s upset that his favorite food is being turned into babies and flirts precariously close to sounding like an African-American stereotype.
Our hero of the story is Otis Lee, a CPK who’s “got no hair, but he don’t care.” He also wears an Army helmet and carries a walkie-talkie. Maybe he’s a G.I. Joe reject. I certainly don’t remember any of the Joes having a big round spongy head.
Lavender McDade and her henchman (hench-animals?) capture two of the Cabbage Patch Kids, Sybil Sadie and Rachel Marie, and force them to work in her gold mine. While they’re stuck down there, they sing a moving ballad called “Get Back Home.” If you had this album growing up or heard it from somebody else, this seems to be the song you will remember — at least that seems to be the case going by the comments I got on my blog about it.
To nobody’s surprise, Otis Lee comes to the rescue, saves the two girls and runs away from the villains. Lavender, Beau and Jack are foiled, and everyone lives happily ever after, I guess.
If you want to hear the rest of this album, including the song about Bunny Bees (which are either bunnies with wings or bees with long ears, I’m not sure which), you can find the whole thing here!