This column of advice from a shapeshifting, forever alive John Cougar, circa 1982, was sponsored by Ol’ John Cougar Cigarettes.
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Dear Ol’ John Cougar:
My father died many years ago, and my mother recently remarried to a lovely man named Rick who has helped raised my sister and I. He’s truly been like a dad, and he recently said that all he wants for Father’s Day is if my sister and I start calling him “Dad” instead of Rick. I just don’t feel comfortable with that. How do I tell sweet Rick this?
—Oliver H., Galveston, TX
Well hey how bout that. You tell Rick that Ol’ John Cougar says howdy-doo. Issa fun fact that thee number one buyers of Ol’ John Cougar records are stepdads named Rick, and as a thank y’all, don’t you know that Ol’ John Cougar personally visits each and every one on his dang ol’ travels across the lands and gives him an offshully auto-graft pack of Ol’ John Cougar Cigarettes. I also gots me an album what called it Big Daddy, so I knows what it is to be called a father for things of which you ain’t the contributor of seed. That said, though, Ol’ John Cougar knows you love Ol’ Rick, but you just t’aint yet ready to calls him Papa, so give it time, I reckon. That, or make Ol’ Rick earn your respect the way Ol’ John Cougar did for his daddy, Ol’ Ol’ John Cougar, and defeat him in a Great Battle, waged at the witchin’ hour in the woods fully nude, and thee only weapons is allowed is tree branches and pie-ro-kun-nee-sis.
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Dear Ol’ John Cougar:
I gave birth about six months ago, but I still haven’t lost the “baby weight.” My husband has start needling me about it, questioning my food choices and asking if I’m going to exercise that day, things like that. It’s obnoxious, rude, and it hurts my feelings. I’m very self-conscious about the weight as it is. What do I do about this sad state of affairs?
—Brandy L., Columbus, OH
Congrats the little youngin’ — they is real good to have around, for smiles and giggles and in a pinch, their blood can heal an otherwise fatal stabbing through the heart by a sword made of pure silver forged in the fortress of Bob Seger and His Silver Bullet Band. As fer the hubby goes, Ol’ John Cougar can tell you havin’ been married more than one thousand dang ol’ times, is that he is in the wrong and must be punished accordin’ to tradition and lore and when a man wrongs hiss old lady in Ol’ John Cougar’s land of beasts and magic, he is to be tied up with the entrails of a dang ol’ rabbit to the tall tree y’all can find and then you rip his still beatin’ heart outta his chest with yer bare hands, throw it some distance, untie him and then make him go find it and put it back in. He’ll learn his lesson — Ol’ John Cougar certainly did when he catted around on hiss one true love, the beeyootiful Queen Diane.
Change yer diet is what you gotta do though to get yer body back the way y’all like it. Y’all can do that through exercise, or smokin’ dee-lish-uss Ol’ John Cougar Cigarettes, of course, or you can change your diet. Eat more things what come out the ground, like veggie-tables, tree fruits, and nibbling upon The Flesh, the giant mushroom what lives at the center of the world and if you eat just one bite you live forever and become a shapeshifter, like how Ol’ John Cougar did so many years ago.
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Dear Ol’ John Cougar:
Do you really think you can outsmart me and my men forever? It’s only a matter of time, Oldham Johnathus Cougarius, before you and I meet for an apocalyptic battle between good and evil, with good emerging triumphant, as it is written.
—Bob S., Detroit, MI
Dang it all, Bob Seger. I been outrunnin’ y’all for millennia and when we do meet up, y’all gonna get a whuppin’ for the ages and good will “emerge” as you done said, because Ol’ John Cougar is the one who’s good, not you, Bob Seger. Never you, Bob Seger.
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Today’s installment of Ask Ol’ John Cougar is brought to you by OL’ JOHN COUGAR CIGARETTES. Unfiltered, dirty-looking, and hand-rolled by angry goblins, each Ol’ John Cougar Cigarette has 10 times the nicotine and 30 times the tar of the leading cigarette. Be like Ol’ John Cougar and smoke 40 packs of them a day! Ol’ John Cougar Cigarettes: available in convenience stores, gas stations, roadhouses, party shacks, and haunted taverns.
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