The Bootleg City teacher’s union went on strike this week, delaying the production of this week’s mayoral update. Or is it “teachers’ union?” Or just “teachers union” without any of those…. what do you call those things? Levitating commas?

I need help here.! Without any teachers to teach my unpaid child laborers spelling and punctuation, their already becoming less and less affective at transcribing these updates. If this strike continues, I maybe forced to hire a secretary who won’t do the job for free. She’ll probably want health benefits too, and she’ll say things like “I’m a man. Men can be secretaries too, although we prefer the term ‘executive assistant’. In any case, please stop referring to me as a ‘she'”.

I can’t let that happen. But I can’t cave in to the unions demands, either. Get this — Bootleg City’s teachers claim they’re classrooms will be ‘overcrowded’ if they have to teach 37 kids at a time. They say that with classes that size, they’ll only be able to devote an average of 1.22 minutes of personal attention to each student. Sorry teachers, but the last time I checked, your lucky if you can keep a child’s attention for more than 30 seconds without the aid of Miley Cyrus or a set of shiny keys, so 1.22 minutes should be plenty.

I offered to let the teachers use tranquilizer darts to control any unruley students who waste class time, but they got angry when I told them they’d have to buy the darts themselves, just like any other supplies they need for their class rooms. One even rushed the cafetorium stage to give me a peace of her mind, but I was fine with that because it gave me the chance to demonstrate how fast acting the darts really are.

Maybe these teachers have forgotten the Bootleg City Board of Education’s new slogan: “Some Children are Inevitably Going to be Left Behind.” But is that such a bad thing? I mean have you seen the way some of these kids act? I speak from experience — as mayor I’ve had to leave lots of things behind. Friends. Family members. Campaign promises. Morals. I keep thinking I’ll feel “bad” or “guilty”, but a little gin and a few darts a day keep the therapist away.

This week’s featured concert is Crowded House performing at E-Werk in Köln, Germany on December 9th, 1993. Its another great find from our “friend” Matt Wardlaw, who’s always claiming that he knows everything, so maybe I’ll just replace all the striking teachers with him. I assume you know how to clone yourself and operate a dart gun, right Matt?  But of course you do….

Kare Kare
There Goes God
Locked Out
Don’t Dream It’s Over
Whispers and Moans
Walking on the Spot
In My Command
Fingers of Love
Four Seasons in One Day
Private Universe
Nails in My Feet
In the Lowlands
Weather With You
When You Come
Distant Sun
Sister Madly
[intro to “Pineapple Head”]
Pineapple Head
Fall at Your Feet
Sweet Dreams
Better Be Home Soon
Chocolate Cake
Into Temptation

About the Author

Robert Cass

Robert Cass lives in Chicago. For Popdose he's written under the Sugar Water, Bootleg City, and Box Office Flashback banners and collaborated on the series 'Face Time with Jeff Giles and Mike Heyliger.

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