And now, the latest rantings from the crazy, fucked-up world of America’s creepiest music and technology blogger/gadfly.

Last night I read an article about Five Guys Burgers.

They don’t implore you to have it your way, they do it their way. However, Five Guys does allow you to choose from a modicum of toppings, a veritable no-no at In-N-Out…

Bob, ”modicum” essentially means ”the bare minimum.” Five Guys offers 15 toppings and condiments, so you can’t have it your way, but you can have infinite variations of toppings. Christ, we’re only three sentences in and already you’ve missed the point.

You can’t even get milk at Five Guys. Why? Because kids hate milk…

I think you’re confusing kids with cats again.

Even the writer gave up his vegetarian status to indulge.

The writer of the piece is a woman, Karen Wiese.

He couldn’t resist the hand-formed beef patty on the artisan bun.

Nothing says journalistic credibility like giving up your deeply held dietary beliefs for the purpose of a story. You have to give credit to someone who’ll write a positive piece on Five Guys despite what the burger must have done to her insides after 12 years of vegetarianism. Meanwhile, Bob is raving about Five Guys but never once says that he’s tried their food.

They serve a plethora of fries, even list where the spuds come from on a chalkboard.

Those are farm-grown potatoes? Five Guys’ fries are so good I thought Baby Jesus sent them from heaven directly into my grease-stained bag.

And it took twenty five years for the family to get it right and the chain is burgeoning, even Coran Capshaw is in on the deal, possessing franchising rights in many states, hell, even Irving Azoff owns one in the West Valley.

Where Azoff goes, Lefsetz follows.

Not that most people know that. Not that that’s relevant.

Then why mention it? I mean, except to show your sweet, undying love for The Poison Dwarf.

Then again, hasn’t Coran’s empire been built on the most authentic act of its era, the Dave Matthews Band?

And nothing’s more inauthentic than somebody with a shitload of dough honing in on a successful family business to make even more money. But other than that, it’s still not relevant, except to help make an awkward pivot in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…

Yes, the key to Five Guys Burgers’ success is authenticity.

I thought the key was really good burgers and fries in a clean, open environment for a decent price.

And that’s why Five Guys is a runaway success and most musical acts have the shelf life of a doughnut. You perfect the product, you let people come to you, you play for the long haul.

No, you work your ass off to make sure people know about you while you’re perfecting the product. And once people know who you are, you look for ways to keep growing and improving your craft so that you’re around for the long haul.

People can smell the hype, they’re craving authenticity.

I can’t speak for all of them, but I’m guessing everyone reading this is craving Five Guys.

Authenticity means you know how to play.

Authenticity means what you present is who you are. The Replacements couldn’t play, and they were one of the most authentic bands ever.

Authenticity means you don’t dance on stage, unless you’re spontaneously inspired, choreography is taboo.

Martha Graham is the devil.

Authenticity means you write your own songs.

Frank Sinatra was such a phony. I never believed a note he sang.

You write and sing from the heart because you have to, not because you got an MBA and want to get rich.

Does Wharton offer a degree in composition and theory?

The music infrastructure is teetering because it’s built upon a foundation of crap.

The music industry is McDonald’s, but we want Five Guys!

The only acts people want to see with consistency tend to be over fifty, who did it right back then and can tour until they drop, which they’re gonna.

I’m not a violent person, but that sentence makes me want to beat Lefsetz with a copy of The Elements Of Style.

Sure, there are exceptions.

Nobody wants to see new acts, except for those new acts that people are seeing. Like Taylor Swift, who sold more tickets than noted over-50 act Paul McCartney this summer. But the first rule of Lefsetz is that we don’t talk about Taylor Swift.

When you co-write and polish to perfection, when you get a clothing line and consider yourself a brand, when you hype perfume and refuse to be honest, never saying a negative word, you’re working against yourself.

Who are you talking to? Have you ever been to a rock club? The up-and-coming acts that play those places don’t want to be Justin Timberlake or Beyonce. They want to be James Murphy or Carrie Brownstein.

Let authenticity be your credo.

Those are the words of an upper-middle class Jewish kid from Connecticut who moved to California because he wanted to be a Beach Boy.

Know that like Five Guys nothing great’s an overnight success. Get the formula right before you try to grow. And don’t change who you are once you’ve broken through, be humble and original, retain your rough edges, every concession to the mainstream works against you.

And most importantly, learn punctuation.

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About the Author

Dave Lifton

The perpetually cranky Dave Lifton produces and co-hosts the Popdose Podcast and contributes an occasional column when he darn well feels like it. But mostly he eats Cheetos and yells at kids to get off his lawn, which is strange because he lives in an apartment. The guiding force behind LifStrong, he can be found on Twitter at @dslifton.

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