The story so far: Kate has the house to herself. When Brian comes over, she decides she’d like to get intimate before they leave for Eric’s party. Unfortunately, Brian is unable to rise to the occasion. What started as a nice, romantic moment went south fast, with Brian rushing out of Kate’s bedroom. The year is 1987.


Well that was… I’m not sure. What am I supposed to take away from that? I created the perfect opportunity for my boyfriend to make love to me, with no fear that my parents or brother might catch us, and… it doesn’t work for him. I naked ON THE BED, beckoning him and… he can’t perform.

These things happen, right? Sure. I bet it happens more often than you hear about. Why, I bet every relationship has had a situation like this one.

I stare at myself in the mirror.

I mean, it can’t be me, can it? Don’t I turn him on anymore?

I’ve worked so hard to maintain this figure. I keep a strict diet, count my calories, and stay away from fatty foods. Sometimes I skip breakfast and lunch just so I can keep off the weight. I can’t make my breasts any bigger, and I can’t grow three more inches to look like some supermodel or an MTV dancer. All I can do is keep myself in shape so that Brian thinks I’m sexy. Well, okay, I don’t just do it for Brian. I’ll admit I want the other guys in school to think I’m sexy, too.

And it’s not just the guys I have to worry about. All of the girls I know, we all judge each other. No matter how much we stress over our bodies, there’s no hesitation when it comes to cutting down one of our peers.

Brian has it easy. He throws on a pair of cut-off Dockers, a T-shirt from some classic rock band no one’s heard of and people think he looks fine. Maybe that’s why it annoys me when he dresses like a slob. If I have to put forth an effort, so should he.

But I like being noticed; I like being complimented. If Brian isn’t going to say anything, I know that some other guy’s head is going to turn. Like Tom Meany.

Tom Meany, again.

In the other room, the newest Whitney song is playing on the radio. ”I wanna dance with somebody. Somebody who loves me.” Don’t you know it, girl.

I place my hands on the counter and close my eyes. I let the music clear my head.

LegendaryAndyGFlex2The alcohol.

My thoughts circle back to the coitus-ineffectiveness that occurred a few minutes ago, and I realize the root of the problem.

Eric claimed it was ”just one swig.” One swig, my ass. I’d always read that alcohol can cause trouble down below in boys. I now have first hand knowledge.

I sigh, relieved. It wasn’t me.

I grab my toothbrush and scrub the taste of alcohol out of my mouth.

Returning to my bedroom, I’m surprised that Brian is no longer there.

”Bri?” I call out.

”In the kitchen,” he hollers back.

I pick out some capris and a Polo shirt. I shimmy into the pants and check myself in the full length mirror behind my door. Satisfied, I pull on the shirt. I look good, if I do say so myself.

The phone rings again. I pick up the cordless, pulling open the antenna.

”Hello?” I answer.

”Get your butt over here!” Andrea shouts. In the background is music and loud voices.

”We’re just getting ready.”

”What’s to get ready? I’m sure you look aces, as usual.”

”Thanks, Andrea.”

And just like that, I feel a lot better.

”Alright, let’s not get all mushy. Get your hiney in the car. It’s time to party!”

”See you in a bit.”

I hang up.

Andrea always knows how to lift my spirits. Gliding into the bathroom, I finish getting ready, even spraying a touch of perfume on my wrists. As I head down the hallway toward the stairs, I’m surprisingly in a good mood. Maybe I really was just tired, and that’s why I was so cranky. Maybe Brian really is excited for me and I’m just misinterpreting some of his expressions. If we can put everything behind us for just a couple of hours, maybe tonight can be fun after all.


Today’s artwork is by Andy Garner-Flexner. Andy specializes in watercolor paintings, logo design, and illustration. He is also the Production Assistant on Adventure Time at Cartoon Network. For more information about Andy, visit his website:

Whitney Houston’s song, ”I Wanna Dance with Somebody (Who Loves Me)” is found on her 1987 album, Whitney.

Previous Chapters: Chapter 12, Chapter 11, Chapter 10, Chapter 9, Chapter 8, Chapter 7, Chapter 6, Chapter 5, Chapter 4, Chapter 3, Chapter 2, Chapter 1, Introduction

Read Chapter 14 of Legendary


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About the Author

Scott Malchus

Scott Malchus is a writer, filmmaker and die hard Cleveland Indians fan. His memoir, “Basement Songs,” is available in paperback and Kindle. He wrote and directed the film “King's Highway." His family is heavily involved in fund raising to find a cure for cystic fibrosis. Scott Malchus is an employee of Cartoon Network and Turner Broadcasting. The opinions expressed on Popdose are his own and do not reflect those of his employer. Email: Follow him @MrMalchus

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