Sure, the government’s a mess, the environment is spiraling out of control and American cities are actually burning. But that doesn’t mean we can’t take time to consider some of the reasons we all have to be thankful. So everyone, please put down your torches and pitchforks long enough to appreciate the following blessings:
1) Your job doesn’t require you to balance anything on Kim Kardashian’s big shiny butt.
2) You’re not married to Robin Thicke, probably. At least not anymore.
3) Statistically, if you get pulled over by a police officer you still have a very good chance of not being shot to death. No matter what Nancy Grace says.
4) You’re not on Nancy Grace.
5) You’re not a Red Sox fan. Oh, you are? Er, sorry.
6) You weren’t in the last “Expendables” movie. Oh, you were? Er, sorry.
7) You didn’t let yourself get too attached to “Selfie.”
8) Your professional success doesn’t rely on cooperation from the Republican Party.
9) You didn’t have everything riding on that damn Benghazi report.
10) You probably have health insurance now.
11) The first four games of the Patriots season were apparently played by lookalike pod people who were no doubt subsequently vanquished by Tom Brady and Rob Gronkowski in a secret, bloody showdown, and I would SO go see that movie.
12) Turns out ebola isn’t so much a disease as it is a campaign strategy.
13) You’ve never had to debate Bill Nye the Science Guy about evolution, or anything else for that matter. Dude knows more than you.
14) It’s easier than ever to visit the White House, as long as you can get over the fence.
15) Odds are you can marry whomever you want now, or you’ll be able to soon. But depending on whom you marry, you may not be able to have Putin over to dinner without it being awkward. (Although if he does come, for God’s sake, make him put a shirt on.)
16) You don’t have to worry about Spotify cannibalizing your album sales, like poor Taylor Swift.
17) You don’t live in “Game of Thrones,” where you’d have to spend most of your time naked and being on the receiving end of sharp objects.
18) You don’t live in “Girls,” where you’d have to spend most of your time naked and being being on the receiving end of Lena Dunham’s sharp wit. Which is arguably worse.
19) You don’t live in Buffalo. Or if you do, we’ll see you in the spring.
20) You don’t have a 13-year, $325 million contract hanging over your head, because who needs that kind of pressure?
21) There’s a superhero or Star Wars movie coming out every weekend for the next six years.
22) Black Friday now starts the previous Tuesday, so you don’t have to fit all your fighting and trampling into one day.
23) Walmart still allows open carry, so just let them TRY to trample you.
24) You’re not a Democrat. Oh, you are? Er, REALLY sorry.
Read more Pete at Pete’s Pop Culture, Parenting & Pets Blog.