Representative Joe Wilson of South Carolina became a household name on Wednesday when he “heckled” President Obama during the commander-in-chief’s congressional speech on health-care reform. After Obama assured the joint session of Congress that any systemwide overhaul wouldn’t extend health benefits to illegal immigrants, Wilson rebel-yelled, “You lie!”

According to congressional aide Trey Falls, who wished to remain anonymous but didn’t bribe me enough to warrant serious consideration, Wilson was seen drinking 12-ounce cups of espresso several hours before the president’s speech. The fourth-term Republican lawmaker was also “high on pro-life” while simultaneously “coming down from a two-day DVR binge of Lou Dobbs Tonight.”

The cheapskate aide additionally revealed that Wilson’s supposedly spontaneous outburst was, in actuality, carefully scripted to convey the most effective opposition to Obama’s health-care initiatives, with dozens of drafts written over the past several weeks. In the end, however, simple noun-verb agreement combined with pro-wrestling body language provided the most direct route to getting Wilson’s point across.

Thanks to Falls, the Capitol Hill lackey who acted like paying for this blogger’s burnt coffee at the Waffle House where we met in Dumfries, Virginia, would’ve been an unforgivable, headline-grabbing ethics violation, I now have a sample of the fiery microspeeches Representative Wilson considered giving Wednesday before he ultimately settled on “You lie!”

1. “You lie! To be specific, you lie down with dogs! To be more specific, you lie down with three dogs, and a three-dog night is a sad commentary on the fact that many Americans can’t afford to adequately heat their homes this winter, Mr. President!”

2. “Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Because as far as I know, there’s no existing health-care plan that covers HULKING OUT!!!!!”

3. “You’re so funny! I can’t stop laughing! No, really, you’re killing me, and I don’t want to die before I have the chance to sample your miraculous health plan!”

4. “‘You can’t hide your lyin’ eyes’! That’s my Guatemalan maid’s favorite line from an Eagles song! But, interestingly enough, her favorite Eagles song is ‘One of These Nights’! I once caught her singing the title over and over again while holding a Ginsu knife and staring at a life-size oil painting of myself that I keep in my man cave!”

5. “¿CÁ³mo? ¿¡CÁ³mo?! No hablo ingles, SeÁ±or Presidente — hablo el lenguaje de irony!

6. “Hi, Joe Wilson here. As a representative of the great state of South Carolina, where hospitality and gentility are as common as the morning dew, I graciously invite you to suck it.”

7. “Ladies and gentlemen, would you please welcome Toby Keith, here to perform his latest single, ‘Every Melting Pot Needs a Good Scrubbing.'”

8. “Put ’em up! Put ’em up! I’ll fight ya with one paw tied behind my back!”

9. “Why can’t all illegal aliens be as charming as GÁ©rard Depardieu in writer-director Peter Weir’s underrated 1990 romantic comedy Green Card? That’s the real crime!”

10. “I can’t believe I’m missing a George Lopez marathon for this!”

 

About the Author

Robert Cass

Robert Cass lives in Chicago. For Popdose he's written under the Sugar Water, Bootleg City, and Box Office Flashback banners and collaborated on the series 'Face Time with Jeff Giles and Mike Heyliger.

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