Donald Trump is awakened by a bright light at the foot of his bed.
TRUMP: Barron, I already told you, we’ll finish this game of Border Patrol in the morning. Now turn off the flashlight and get to bed.
GOD: I’m not your son, Donald. I’m God.
TRUMP: Wait, for real?
GOD: Yes, for real.
TRUMP: Unbelievable. Rubio and Cruz act like it’s Your will for them to be elected, but wait till they hear about this. Hold on a second, let me get my phone so my assistant can take a selfie of us.
GOD: I’m not here for a photo op, Donald. We need to talk.
TRUMP: Did McConnell put You up to this? No, wait, it was Romney, wasn’t it? All that crybaby does is vomit up sour grapes.
GOD: Neither. I’m here on my own behalf.
TRUMP: But You are a Republican, right?
GOD: Actually, I vote Green every election. That way I can’t be accused of influencing the outcome.
TRUMP: Smart.
GOD: I know. And you could be smart too, but you have to stop appealing to people’s worst instincts.
TRUMP: Uh, no offense, chief, but You may have noticed I’m winning this thing. I’m sure You heard that Pat Robertson endorsed me. That’s worth something, right?
GOD: Pat just endorsed his live-in nurse for adjusting his neck pillow. I wouldn’t put too much stock in that one.
TRUMP: Look, I’m a winner. I always have been. It’s what I do. Did You ever watch me on The Apprentice? Here’s a quick synopsis: I wasn’t the title character. I fired the apprentices. “You’re fired” — that was my catchphrase. America couldn’t get enough of it. Then the recession happened and it wasn’t so funny anymore, but it’s not my fault the economy went down the toilet.
Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump outside First Presbyterian Church in Muscatine, Iowa, January 24, 2016 (photo credit: Eric Thayer/The New York Times)
GOD: You’re a successful businessman. No one’s denying that. But leading a country takes more than just business savvy. It demands a brain and a heart.
TRUMP: I’ve got plenty of heart.
GOD: For Mexicans?
TRUMP: Hey, somebody’s got to draw the line. Then somebody’s got to build a wall on top of it.
GOD: What about Muslims who want to enter the country?
TRUMP: That little poem on the Statue of Liberty — “Give me your tired, your poor / Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free” — a woman wrote that. A woman who cried a lot, I bet. Can’t be weak if you want to be president. I’m not saying Hillary has that problem, but her bladder’s another story.
Trump laughs. God sighs.
GOD: What about when you called Pope Francis “disgraceful” for saying Christians don’t build walls?
TRUMP: Hold on a second there. With all due respect, I said I didn’t appreciate him questioning my faith. And I seem to recall that when a certain individual named Job questioned You, You didn’t take it too well. Am I right?
GOD: Well, that was a long time ago.
TRUMP: Yeah, but am I right?
GOD: I made a bet with Satan, and I lost the bet. That’s what I was upset about.
TRUMP: But am I right?
GOD: I wasn’t really mad at Job.
TRUMP: But am I right?
GOD: Look, I said some things, he said some things. But—
TRUMP: Am I right?
GOD: Let me finish. He apologized, and I gave him back all his stuff, so no harm, no foul. But for you to compare the two of us, that doesn’t quite work in this situation since—
TRUMP: Am I right, chief?
GOD: He shouldn’t have mouthed off like that, okay? Is that what you want to hear?
TRUMP: So, to recap, You were in denial about my prospects, then You got angry at me for winning that little debate. Now You probably want to bargain with me to drop out of the race. Sorry, but no deal, so You’d better just skip past depression and get comfortable with acceptance. The people have spoken, Dad.
GOD: “Dad”?
TRUMP: Slip of the tongue. You know what I meant. I can’t help it if my dad’s middle name was Christ.
GOD: So that’s what this is about. You’re still trying to impress your father.
TRUMP: Hey, You don’t have a dad. You don’t know what it’s like. But ask the Christ in Your life and he’ll tell You. Your name probably helped him get his foot in the door for carpentry gigs, but it ain’t easy being the son of a big name. Everybody thinks you’ve never had to work hard, so they want you to fail. And so you have to be competitive. I wouldn’t be worth whatever I’m worth if I … if I wasn’t …
GOD: It’s okay to cry. Here, have a tissue.
TRUMP: Wow. That is the most blindingly white Kleenex I’ve ever seen.
GOD: You’re welcome.
TRUMP: Look, all I’m saying is, I’ve never had any real competition from these other clowns who are running, so I just decided to entertain myself and say whatever pops into my head. I mean, when I announced my candidacy last summer and said I’d make Mexico pay for the wall I was going to build to keep them out, that was nuts. Totally out there. But people bought it. And ever since—
GOD: Ever since you’ve been chasing that high.
TRUMP: Yeah. I mean … yeah. I never thought of it like that before.
GOD: You’re an addict, Donald. You’re also an enabler of some of my most ignorant followers, but we’ll talk about that after you begin detox. You’ve got a lot of poisonous rhetoric and ideology built up in your system, but I promise we’re going to flush it all out.
TRUMP: This is such a weight off my shoulders. Can You imagine? Me as president?
GOD: Honestly? I thought Jerry Springer would be in the Oval Office by now. You never know with this country.
TRUMP: Thank You for this. Seriously. You know, I’ve got to admit, I never really believed in You until now.
GOD: I know the feeling.
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