Jason: Jeff, you know what this holiday is missing?

Jeff: The sight of me leaving?

Jason: Close! A song by Victor Willis, one of the original members of the Village People.

Jeff: I don’t even know what to say to you anymore. Every time I think Mellowmas can’t get any weirder or any worse, you pull some shit like this.

First of all, who cares which members of the Village People were “original”?

Jason: That’s exactly what I thought when Jeffrey Thames put this song on my Facebook wall.

Jeff: Second, go to hell.

Oh good, it’s a charity single for Ebola aid.

Jason: “Willis wrote the tune with the intention of inviting Diana Ross, Carlos Santana, Bruno Mars and other artists to join in it.”


Jeff: “Their invitations were lost in the mail.”

Jason: “Willis eventually abandoned the collaboration because coordinating schedules would have delayed the song’s release. ”

Jeff: “In his pursuit of the idea, though, some of the artists asked him, ‘Who’s the kid or teenager doing the vocals?’ He replied, ‘That’s not a kid, that’s my wife.'”

Jason: “Yeah, uh, Bruno wasn’t available until February, and I just couldn’t really wait that long, is what I said to myself in the mirror.”

Jeff: This keeps getting grosser and grosser.

Jason: So this isn’t actually a Christmas tune.

Jeff: Well, if it isn’t actually a Christmas tune, then we’re off the hook. Phew! Glad we dodged THAT bullet.

Jason: BUT. Good news! There’s a “Christmas Mix” of the song. And I haven’t listened to it, but I’m going to guess it just adds jingle bells.

Jeff: I’m going to hate every single second of this, I can tell.

Jason: I remember when that keyboard was popular!

Jeff: Oh no.

Jason: Wait. Is this him?

Jeff: No, no, no.

Jason: Or Karen? Is he really saying “shoo-er” instead of “sure”?

Jeff: Don’t care! Nope. No.

Jason, stop this! Stop this from happening!

Jason: It’s like Thames, Jeff! I can’t stop him, and I can’t stop this.

Jeff: Please let us go back in time and plead with these people to end this before it happens!

Jason: Is this a joke?

Jeff: You know, I once wrote a really nasty review of a benefit CD and asked what it meant if music recorded to raise money for victims of a disaster was actually worse than the disaster itself. I was kind of out of line at the time.

But not today.

Jason: Not. Today.

Jeff: First of all, you were right about the goddamn sleigh bells. Second, this woman cannot sing.

Jason: Wait, did he say something about “Africa” and the “illest”?

Wait. That’s a woman?

Jeff: Third, the song is terrible.

Jason: I’m so confused.

Jeff: Fourth, Victor Willis is a bad husband.






Jason: Ha ha ha ha! Acoustic guitar! Out of nowhere!

It’s definitely a sin, Jeff.

Jeff: Oh, thank goodness for that fadeout.

Jason: That was terrible.

Jeff: TURRBLE. That was the Ebola of Christmas music.

Jason: I don’t even know what else to say.

Jeff: Why do YOU have to think of something to say? It’s this helmet-wearing asswipe who needs to explain himself.

Did we tell everyone that he’s got a full-length album on the way? He does.

Jason: Hooray!

Jeff: At least now I know what I’m going to send Dave Lifton after I finally finish my turn in Earmageddon.

Jason: Just send it to him now. Why wait? You’re delaying an opportunity for him to save the people.

Save the world.

Save our eardrums.

Jeff: Good point. He might come down with Ebola any day. You know the way he lives. This way, I can help raise money for a cure AND torment a good friend.

Jason: See? Mellowmas redemption! I knew there was a point to this today!

Jeff: You know, you’re right. This has helped me rediscover the true meaning of Mellowmas! Hurting others to make yourself feel better.

Jason: See? Full circle. You’re just doing unto others what Victor Willis has done unto us.

Jeff: I only wish it could erase the sound of his wife’s voice in my head.

Jason: I still don’t think that’s his wife. I don’t know who it is, but he wouldn’t do that to his wife.

Jeff: Are you suggesting that these are just sped-up vocals that he recorded out of the side of his mouth while moving his lipstick-encircled hand?

Jason: I don’t know EXACTLY what that means, but at this point, my brain is a mess. This song has done some bad things to me. Quick, record a tribute song for me. It can’t be worse than this. I promise.

About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

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