Take off that red-and-green shirt, everybody! Today, for the Eighth Day of Mellowmas, we’re going red, white and blue!

Lee Greenwood — It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year (download)

From Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas Amazon iTunes

Jeff: Horns!

Jason: Big production!

Jeff: Whoa. Who is this guy?

Jason: Is that a GUY? Sounds like he’s sucked on some helium! C’mon, You know Lee Greenwood! “God Bless The USA!”

Jeff: I’m…I’m a little stunned. That might be because I’m looking at a picture of Greenwood performing in “his trademark Stars and Stripes jacket.”

Jason: It’s a little hyperactive, yes. And don’t you love that cover? That tux?

Jeff: Oh yes, the tux. I almost forgot about the album cover.

Jason: And here’s the best part…I think either a key change or song switch is coming. I believe every fast-paced song on this song either has a key change or is actually a medley.

Jeff: He looks like a sad old valet who happened to make a Christmas album.

Jason: Ha!

Jeff: Dude, what happened with his voice right there? He turned into Cher for a second, I think. Oh, come ON, Lee Greenwood.

Jason: So I’ll tell you something. I never thought I’d make it through this whole album, but I did. And to my surprise, there were a few tracks I really liked. Like, seriously liked.

Jeff: Yeah, I did too. It isn’t the worst thing we’ve got this year. It has a certain scruffy charm.

Jason: There’s an instrumental “What Child is This” that is kind of nice. The sax is a little Kenny G-esque, though. Also, he does this song called “‘Til the Season Comes ‘Round Again.” Have you ever heard this song before? Because so far, I’ve heard it twice this year. And never before that. Little River Band did it too. And both did a nice job.

Jeff: I think this might be what a Benny Mardones Christmas album would sound like. A little sweaty. Extremely eager to be liked. Although I don’t think Benny would be caught in that stars & stripes jacket.

Jason: Ha! Great picture! Lee knows where his bread is buttered!

Jeff: Actually, I just found out that Lee has a real job. You’ll never guess what it is.

Jason: Librarian? Maitre’D?

Jeff: “In November 2008, President Bush appointed Greenwood to a 6 year term to the National Arts Council.”

Jason: Oh, that’s just fucking PERFECT.

Jeff: Isn’t it, though?

Jason: David Cross has a great bit about Greenwood. He talks about his line “And I’d gladly stand up next to you and defend her still today,” and how Greenwood never actually did that.

Jeff: Folks, if our national anthem is changed to “God Bless the USA” at any time during the next six years, be very suspicious.

Jason: “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” wasn’t that bad either, by the way. He has a nice voice. And the album is recorded well.

Jeff: I’m still really disappointed that this album doesn’t contain any patriotic songs.

Jason: I agree. I was surprised.

Jeff: Or anything about the “War on Christmas.”

Jason: I figured he’d definitely go that route. But Lee Greenwood, once again, proved me wrong.

Jeff: I would have loved it if Lee had done a duet with Toby Keith about hating “happy holidays.”

Jason: I feel like I owe Lee Greenwood an apology.

Jeff: Looking at the album cover, I feel like Lee Greenwood needs to set the table and fetch me my paper.

Jason: “Winter Wonderland!” It’s a medley! Told you! And those horns are real! How did he afford them? This guy must sit home and pray for war so he gets those “God Bless the USA” royalty checks.

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha!

Jason: I mean, how else does he afford…anything? KEY CHANGE! Medley AND key change! This guy really crams it in!

Jeff: Actually, according to his Wikipedia entry, Lee “has charted more than thirty-five singles on the Billboard country music charts.” I suspect they mean Billboard Ukraine, but whatever.

Jason: !!! I stand corrected! Apologies, Lee!

Jeff: Walkin’ in a winter wonderlaaaaaaaaand

Jason: Oooh, soft sensitive finish! The problem with the album is that the uptempo songs are really hyperactive. But like I said, check out those two or three and you might actually find a good holiday moment in there. Here, of course, we only focus on the crap. I don’t know why he had to medley those two songs. Although I guess he figured, why ruin one when you can ruin two?

Jeff: Maybe he only had the horn section booked for one day?

Jason: Oooh, good point! I mean, they don’t sound like fake horns, do they? I expected an album created in Garage Band.

Jeff: Although, again, with that cushy National Arts Council gig, he can surely afford it.

Jason: Like with a Daryl Dragon backing track.

Jeff: I expected the same thing. Lee let me down, man. Also, now I feel bad for Daryl Dragon. How come the guy who wrote “Love Will Keep Us Together” can’t afford a band as nice as Lee Greenwood’s?

Jason: No National Arts Council appointment.

Jeff: Maybe Obama can name Daryl NAC co-chair.

Jason: Greenwood had it coming, though. Here’s Greenwood performing at the Walt Disney World Christmas special, immediately after a speech by the President at the time, George H.W. Bush! Fast forward to about 50 seconds in.

[kml_flashembed movie="http://www.youtube.com/v/CmTZImjB_ek " width="425" height="350" wmode="transparent" /]

Jason: He’s duetting with Sally Struthers, I think.

Jeff: NO WAY.

Jason: Oh wait, that’s Sandi Patti. Whoever that is.

Jeff: Christian singer, of course! Where the hell is that assbag Michael W. Smith?

Oh, wow.

Jason: THIS is a patriotic song. For Christmas.

Jeff: He sounds like that guy who does the “real American hero” songs. This is AWESOME. Why isn’t THIS on the album? Screw you, Lee Greenwood!

Jason: Ha! Aren’t you glad I found this?

Jeff: Photo montage! Woman dressed creepily like Raggedy Ann!

Jason: Oh, you’re way behind. I’m already on the gospel choir! And Greenwood doing an awkward dance.

Jeff: Oh, man.

Jason: You go, Sally!

Jeff: This is Mellowmas personified.

Jason: Yeah, pretty much. So if the track wasn’t bad enough, throw in this video and you’ve got a true stinker.

Jeff: I wonder if this is the same tux Lee is wearing on the album cover.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: I love how they’re singing in front of a podium. I also love Greenwood’s “Michael Bolton Lite” mullet.

Jason: Ha ha ha! Well, I think Bush had just been up there, talking about…I don’t know. I guess a thousand points of light.

Jeff: Yeah, I know. But why couldn’t they give Lee and Sally their own stage? And wat the hell are those people clapping for? Did something else just happen?

Jason: They have to! They’re in the presence of the President of the United States of America!

Jeff: According to one of the comments under the video, Lee and Sally did this for Fourth of July one year, too.

Jason: Wow, that’s a shocker.

Jeff: Ha!

Jason: We have to give Greenwood credit. He could have very easily stuck a patriotic number on this disc. But he didn’t. I think I…kind of RESPECT him.

Jeff: You’re right. It pains me to say it, but you’re right.

Jason: Nice job, Lee Greenwood.

Jeff: You…decent guy.

Jason: You maintained some dignity. And that’s not easy to do when George W. Bush appoints you to something. God bless YOU, Lee Greenwood. God bless the USA. And God bless Mellowmas, and all who keep it holy.

Jeff: God bless your kinda-not-shitty Christmas record.

About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

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