Jason: You know, over the last ten years of Mellowmas, we’ve definitely seen a “progression” in the types of songs we cover.

Note the quotation marks.

Jeff: If you’re trying to say you’ve dragged us headfirst into the outsider-music wilderness, then yes, I wholeheartedly agree. You have a problem.

Jason: Yeah, that’s exactly what I’m saying. We started off with Mellow Gold artists.

Jeff: I want to have a different conversation.

Jason: Air Supply. Stephen Bishop.

Jeff: Not bad, in retrospect!

Jason: Then we moved to other well-known musicians. Dolly Parton. Kate Bush.

Jeff: Both very talented individuals.

Jason: New Kids on the Block.

Jeff: Please stop.

Jason: Then, as you said, I discovered some music that you could consider “outsider.” And now, so much of what we cover is really pretty obscure.

Jeff: Have I mentioned that I would like to have a different conversation? Train has a Christmas album out. Maybe we could talk about that.

Jason: I’m not opposed to covering well-known musicians. But the really obscure ones are a lot of fun for me!

Jeff: “Fun”?

Jason: Because they really don’t have any greater motivation, you know? They’re not trying to cash in. They’re releasing stuff for some sort of creative reason.


Jason: That’s the best part! There’s no possible way for us to figure out the creative reason!

Jeff: Or the wrong antipsychotic cocktail!

Jason: But you see, Jeff.

Jeff: Let me see and not hear. Deal?

Jason: I love that you haven’t figured out that I’m ignoring you.

Jeff: grumble

Jason: What if we picked a song that was obscure, yet somewhat known as being a really bad obscure song?

Jeff: What if we did the opposite?

Jason: Moving on…I found this article in the Houston Press from a couple of years ago.

Jeff: Jeez, we haven’t covered any of these!

Jason: The #1 song is called “Debbie’s Last Christmas.” Which is, to my surprise, not a surprisingly sad ending to the “Debbie Does Dallas” franchise.


Jason: We could possibly cover all of these! But I like to cut to the chase. Let’s go straight to #1.

Jeff: Or Number Two, as it were.

Jeff: This doesn’t seem so bad.

Jason: Kind of pretty. Double-tracked!

Jeff: Little Debbie sounds nice!

Jason: I think we need to really listen to the lyrics here, Jeff.

Jeff: A happy girl. I’m swaying in my chair. Snapping my finger. Debbie’s waitin’ for Christmas!

But she would…wait, what?

Jason: “But she would never see that day. There had to be a way for Christmas Day.” Something bad is coming.

Wait. I think she’s in a hospital?

Jeff: Yeah, and this song isn’t even three minutes long. Debbie’s gonna die quick, Jason.

Jason: I’ve never been so jealous of Debbie.

Jeff: Yep, it’s snowing now.

Jason: Old Saint Nick had thought of every toy!

Jeff: She got every toy! Better than the watch Dad had to pawn after Mom died, I guess.

Wrong high note to reach for, Nancy.

Jason: A burning feeling we can’t hide! This line makes me think of your mom.
Spoiler alert: DEBBIE JUST DIED

Jeff: So long, Debbie! You’re dead!

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: Well, that was no fun. No fun at all. Why did you make us listen to that?

Jason: We could easily ask each other that question for every song we’ve listened to since 2006.

Jeff: That’s true, but I think — although I wouldn’t swear to it — that this is the only one that’s ended with a little girl dying in the hospital.

Jason: So there’s your answer! Happy holidays to all! But Debbie! Who’s dead!

Jeff: You’re a bad man.

Jason: Happy Mellowmas.

About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

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