Jason: You know, over the last ten years of Mellowmas, we’ve definitely seen a “progression” in the types of songs we cover.
Note the quotation marks.
Jeff: If you’re trying to say you’ve dragged us headfirst into the outsider-music wilderness, then yes, I wholeheartedly agree. You have a problem.
Jason: Yeah, that’s exactly what I’m saying. We started off with Mellow Gold artists.
Jeff: I want to have a different conversation.
Jason: Air Supply. Stephen Bishop.
Jeff: Not bad, in retrospect!
Jason: Then we moved to other well-known musicians. Dolly Parton. Kate Bush.
Jeff: Both very talented individuals.
Jason: New Kids on the Block.
Jeff: Please stop.
Jason: Then, as you said, I discovered some music that you could consider “outsider.” And now, so much of what we cover is really pretty obscure.
Jeff: Have I mentioned that I would like to have a different conversation? Train has a Christmas album out. Maybe we could talk about that.
Jason: I’m not opposed to covering well-known musicians. But the really obscure ones are a lot of fun for me!
Jason: Because they really don’t have any greater motivation, you know? They’re not trying to cash in. They’re releasing stuff for some sort of creative reason.
Jeff: BUT JASON THEY ARE AWFUL
Jason: That’s the best part! There’s no possible way for us to figure out the creative reason!
Jeff: Or the wrong antipsychotic cocktail!
Jason: But you see, Jeff.
Jeff: Let me see and not hear. Deal?
Jason: I love that you haven’t figured out that I’m ignoring you.
Jason: What if we picked a song that was obscure, yet somewhat known as being a really bad obscure song?
Jeff: What if we did the opposite?
Jason: Moving on…I found this article in the Houston Press from a couple of years ago.
Jeff: Jeez, we haven’t covered any of these!
Jason: The #1 song is called “Debbie’s Last Christmas.” Which is, to my surprise, not a surprisingly sad ending to the “Debbie Does Dallas” franchise.
Jeff: There’s SO MUCH BAD CHRISTMAS MUSIC.
Jason: We could possibly cover all of these! But I like to cut to the chase. Let’s go straight to #1.
Jeff: Or Number Two, as it were.
Jeff: This doesn’t seem so bad.
Jason: Kind of pretty. Double-tracked!
Jeff: Little Debbie sounds nice!
Jason: I think we need to really listen to the lyrics here, Jeff.
Jeff: A happy girl. I’m swaying in my chair. Snapping my finger. Debbie’s waitin’ for Christmas!
But she would…wait, what?
Jason: “But she would never see that day. There had to be a way for Christmas Day.” Something bad is coming.
Wait. I think she’s in a hospital?
Jeff: Yeah, and this song isn’t even three minutes long. Debbie’s gonna die quick, Jason.
Jason: I’ve never been so jealous of Debbie.
Jeff: Yep, it’s snowing now.
Jason: Old Saint Nick had thought of every toy!
Jeff: She got every toy! Better than the watch Dad had to pawn after Mom died, I guess.
Wrong high note to reach for, Nancy.
Jason: A burning feeling we can’t hide! This line makes me think of your mom.
Spoiler alert: DEBBIE JUST DIED
Jeff: So long, Debbie! You’re dead!
Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Jeff: Well, that was no fun. No fun at all. Why did you make us listen to that?
Jason: We could easily ask each other that question for every song we’ve listened to since 2006.
Jeff: That’s true, but I think — although I wouldn’t swear to it — that this is the only one that’s ended with a little girl dying in the hospital.
Jason: So there’s your answer! Happy holidays to all! But Debbie! Who’s dead!
Jeff: You’re a bad man.
Jason: Happy Mellowmas.