Two weeks ago today, Mellowmas began. We can’t believe you’re still reading this crap. It doesn’t get any better, you know. Just worse. Observe:

Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton – I Believe In Santa Claus (download or stream below)
From Once Upon A Christmas Amazon iTunes


[audio: Rogers and Dolly Parton – I Believe In Santa Claus.mp3]

Jason: Hey, real drums!

Jeff: Pedal steel! This is what triple scale got you in Nashville in 1984. Or whenever this mellow mothball came out.

Jason: You know, they have that one fucking “Islands In The Stream” hit and they’re doing a whole album.

Jeff: I’m pretty sure they’ve done multiple Christmas albums.

Jason: Listen to Kenny’s vocal. He’s phoning it in!

Jeff: How much do you want to bet they both phoned these in?

Jason: Oh god, somebody shoot Dolly.

Jeff: Literally.

Jason: She just did that voice thing she thinks is cute, but isn’t. “I believe when someone hurts us, we should forgive and forget.” I will neither forgive NOR forget this dreck. Plus, it has nothing to actually do with Santa Claus.

Jeff: I believe in immaculately groomed beards.

Jason: I believe in spray-on tans.

Jeff: I believe in colossal jugs.

Jason: I believe in trans-fat coated fried chicken.

Jeff: I believe I’ve heard better Christmas songs.

Jason: I believe in women who resemble The Joker.

Jeff: I believe these drums are embarrassing.

Jason: The guitarist is in seventh heaven. Apparently nobody told him to rein it in.

Jeff: Oh God!

Jason: OH FUCK.

Jeff: Children’s choir!!!


Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! This is this best! And by “best,” I mean “hellishly awful”!

Jason: There was a little Dolly giggle in there. “Let the whole world sing!” Except the Muslims! Not so fast, Jews!’

Jeff: Ha ha ha! “No one invited you, sneaky Mormons!”

Jason: What, exactly, did that song have to do with Christmas, other than that ONE line?

Jeff: WOW. That was INCREDIBLE.

Jason: Yeah, that was rough. I bet the whole album is like that.

Jeff: I’d rather not find out, thank you very much. I will send this to everyone I hate.

Jason: In that case, I’m honored you sent it to me first.


About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

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