It’s the all-important fifth day of Mellowmas, friends. We’ve already gotten through Christopher Cross, Air Supply, Peter Cetera, and Stephen Bishop Á¢€” all veritable kings of Mellow Gold. We can’t keep this up, obviously; when this shit ruled the airwaves, only Bing Crosby and Andy Williams cared about making Christmas records, and so, sadly, we’ll probably never be able to get our hands on seasonal tracks by Firefall or Ambrosia.
Time to bring in some lesser names, then. Like:oh, I don’t know, Glenn Medeiros.
All right, so Glenn Medeiros isn’t really “Mellow Gold.” I know. However, permit me to theorize, just for a moment, that if Mellow Gold still existed in 1987, it would have sounded exactly like Medeiros’ sappy vag-fest “Nothing’s Gonna Change My Love for You.” (Mildly terrifying side note: I just learned that “Gonna Change” was written by George Benson. George Benson!) Medeiros went on to find further success singing duets with future R&B has-beens Bobby Brown (“She Ain’t Worth It”) and Ray Parker Jr. (“All I’m Missing Is You”).
These days, of course, Medeiros is a schoolteacher who moonlights at the Hale Koa Hotel in Waikiki. (No, cut it out. I’m serious.) But before twittering off to his new career as a luau host, Medeiros, like Cross and Bishop, was part of producer Steve Vaus’ The Stars Come Out for Christmas series. I’ve heard some shady stuff about these CDs, and based on his website, Vaus does seem like the type of wind-sniffing opportunist who’d license stuff that might not have been his to license:but we have to be thankful for the piles and piles of Mellowmas fodder Vaus inadvertently produced here.
Jeff: Wait, is Glenn a girl’s name?
Jason: Yeah, is that a girl or a guy? Seriously.
Jeff: I bet you think these are real drums.
Jason: Definitely. Oh, his vocal is so sensitive!
Jeff: If by “sensitive” you mean “nauseating,” then absolutely.
Jason: Glenn probably dressed in really young clothes in the late ’90s and auditioned for Backstreet Boys.
Jeff: He’s made two wishes.
Jason: He still has one wish left: Santa, please give me some testicles.
Jason: “Every day’s a holiday when I’m near:” something something. I can’t understand this douchebag.
Jeff: I think he said “glory hole.”
Jason: Oh, you’re at the solo, aren’t you.
Jeff: He’s trying to channel Jarreau here.
Jason: The scat solo. And by scat, I don’t mean what you think I mean.
Jeff: Jarreau as done by a very drunk Robbie Nevil.
Jason: C’est la vie, Jeff. That solo was awful.Thank god it’s over.
Jeff: Oh, man, it’s still going here. How did you get it to end so quickly?
Jason: I feel bad for you.
Jeff: I think I know why this woman isn’t with him on Christmas Eve. Or man. Whatever. That was the worst one yet.
Jason: Yeah, that one was painful. Thank god for some authentic drums, though.