Welcome back to our 4th Day of the 12 Days Of Mellowmas!  Nothing needs to be said about the following artist.  Well, nothing, that is, except the conversation between Jefito and I below.  Enjoy the download…or don’t.  You probably won’t.  If the cover design is any indication of the contents within…

Stephen Bishop – Jingle Bell Rock (download)

From Merry Bishmas

Jason: oooh, fade in!

Jeff: Feel the winter magic, bitches!

Jason:  The 12 voices of Bish!

Jeff: Was that Lance Bass?

I have to be honest with you, there’s only one reason why I picked this song. I’ll tell you when we hit it.

Jason:  "Now the jingle hop’s begun?"  That’s not the line!  Bishop’s ALWAYS taking liberties!  Fuck him!

Jeff: The line is what Bish says it is.

Jeff:  Boogie-woogie Casio piano!

Jason: Exactly!  nice bluesy keyboard, but it’s all synth!

Jeff: Fats Waller is spinning in his grave.  And it takes some serious force to make that happen.

"Mix and a-mingle!"

Jason: by the way, these are real drums.  Definitely.

Jeff: I love the "woo" before the pantywaist guitar solo.  Is that even a guitar?

Jason: oooh, horns!

Jeff: A sax-ish!

Break it down, Bish!  You bad mofo!  Okay, here’s the part I love:  The phone rings!  And the vocal production changes, like Bish picked up the phone, and it was Bish on the phone, singing the line!

Jeff: Bish is important. You think he doesn’t get calls on the sleigh?

Jason: THAT’S why I picked this song.

Jeff: Mod-u-laaate!

Jason: oh my god, that horrible ending casio chord…

Ha! He just did a Lennon!

Jason: and suddenly, Ringo Starr shows up.

Jeff: He just totally tried to sound like…oh, Ringo?

Jason: well, at least we both think it’s a Beatle.

Jeff: I guess that makes more sense.

Jason: They’re interchangeable in terms of accents.

Jeff: If Bish were to try and sound like any Beatle, I suppose it would have to be Ringo.

Jason: See, here’s what I don’t get.  Why the phone call effect?  Like, what was the point?  Why would we need a phone call and somebody singing the line on the other end?

Jeff: It’s to drive home the point that Bish is fucking phoning it in.

Jason:  Ahhh, that’s a good point.  Unless this tied in with a movie or video, which is totally plausible, being that it’s Bish?

Jeff: Did you know Bish did a song for the soundtrack to a Barney movie?

Jason:  He mentions that in that clip Terje referenced.  Did he do the entire soundtrack?

Jeff: Let me rephrase: Did you know Bish has no pride?

Jason:  THAT, I knew.  The royalties from his song on The Money Pit soundtrack must have slowed down.

Jeff: From $25 a quarter to $.25 a quarter.

Jason: less than a quarter a quarter.  That phone that rang in the song?  That was Bish calling collect.

Jeff: Hahahahahah!  Bish is so lame, he has to call himself collect. 

Jeff:  I wonder if he saw those Michael McDonald calling card commercials and thought, "That should have been me.  ‘It Might Be You’ would have been perfect for these commercials.  Fuck Mr. Beardy McSoulface and his product placement."

Jason:  If I ever heard that Bish spoke ill of McD, I’d have to burn all my Bish records.  Which would be easy, ’cause I don’t have any.

Jeff: I was gonna say, I hope it’d be a quick fire.

Jason:  Oh, yeah.

Jeff: You know, I’m going to try and mount a campaign to make Bishmas the new Festivus.

Jason: That’s a briliant idea!  It’d be you and me.  And our readers.

Jeff: Absolutely.

Jason: We could all get together and celebrate Bishmas.  It’d be lamer than a Farscape convention.

Jeff: We could try and get a bunch of dried-up hacks to record "Do They Know It’s Bishmas?"

Jason: Hahahahaha!  "It’s Bishmas time…there’s much need to be afraid…"

Jeff: The U.N. could drop used Bish CDs on the starving children of Ghana.

Jason: What would they do with them? They don’t need coasters.

Jeff: Imagine the heartwarming holiday spirit you’d feel watching the slow fade from Sally Struthers’ face to the reaction of a kid who just had a copy of "Bowling in Paris" dropped on his yurt.

Jason: "Separate Lives? I thought this was a Phil Collins song! I don’t believe in NOTHING no more!!!"

Jeff: Well, anyway, Jason. Merry Bishmas to you and yours.

Thank you, Jeff. And a Merry Bishmas to you, but only you, not the wife and kid. I wouldn’t wish Bishmas on them. Only you.


About the Author

Jason Hare

Jason Hare used to love Christmas. He feels differently now.

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