Day one, everybody! Are you ready? (You’re definitely not ready. Too bad!)

Teddy Pendergrass: Happy Kwanzaa (download or stream below)
from This Christmas (I’d Rather Have Love) Amazon


[audio: Pendergrass – Happy Kwanzaa.mp3]

Jason: Mellowmas hits the Congo?

Jeff: Aww yeah!

Jason: I don’t mean that as a racist. It sounds like “Congo” by Genesis.

Jeff: For the record, I would like to say that I said “aww yeah” before Teddy, and without knowing that he would, in fact, say “aww yeah.”

Jason: Whoa! We want the funk! Gotta have that funk! Happy Kwanzaa, Jeff.

Jeff: And a very Happy Kwanzaa to you, Jason. When is Kwanzaa, anyway?

Jason: Kwanzaa? You’re asking a Jew?

Did he just whisper “oh shit?” I think I heard that incorrectly. I can’t hear anything over this bassline.

Jeff: You never know with Teddy. I love the backing vocals.

Jason: This song is actually kind of awesome. Together, there is so much we can do,

Jeff: All right! It’s a celebration!

Jason: At one point, I knew what Kwanzaa was about. I learned about it last year. But I forgot. Along with Hanukkah.

Jeff: If Teddy’s singing about it, it must be about sex.

Jason: Come join the party! I think he just started speaking part of “All Night Long” by Lionel Richie. Happy Kwanzaa, everybody!

Jeff: “It’s a celebration that will last throughout the year” — that’s got to be, right off the bat, the most awkward line we’re going to hear all Mellowmas. I mean, Mellowzaa.

Jason: You know, if people didn’t know us better, they’d think we’re jerks. But we’re this disrespectful to everyone.

Jeff: …Except Michael McDonald.

Jason: Well, of course not McD. Teddy is feelin’ this one.

Jeff: Oh, shit! A rap!

Jason: !!

Jeff: I give hugs to my moms!

Jason: Who is this? Bell? Biv? The other guy?

Jeff: I think it’s Teddy’s left nut! MC Scrote! He had a hit in 1990, I think.

Jason: Creativity! Unity! Something unintelligible! Teddy’s nut sounds great. I’ve been waiting for his nut to break out and do a solo record, actually.

Jeff: I love this song.

Jason: Yeah, this is actually pretty awesome.

Jeff: Modulaaaaaaaation!

Jason: Key change, motherfuckers!

Jeff: Teddy is getting the fuck down.

Jason: I’m doing my best white man’s groove right now. Key change 2: Electric Boogaloo!

Jeff: Wait — a fade-out?

Jason: BOOO for the fade-out!

Jeff: Bullshit! Boo! An excellent start.

Jason: But still, if you look at this song as a whole, it’s like 95% awesome. I can deal with the fadeout knowing that my booty had a good shake for the other five minutes.

Jeff: An excellent start. See? It’s like Mellowmas never ended. It can only go downhill from here.

Jason: Yeah, I think we’re screwed. We’ve set the Mellowmas bar really high, now.

Jeff: Just wait until Jim Nabors shows up.

About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

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