Day Two! And it’s even worse than Day One!

Jim Nabors: O Holy Night (download or stream below)
From Jim Nabors Christmas Amazon iTunes


[audio: Nabors – O Holy Night.mp3]

Jeff: Oh my God. Is this playing at the wrong speed?

Jason: Seriously, when you sent me this CD, this is NOT what I was expecting. I was expecting…Don Knotts or something. This guy actually has a real voice.

Jeff: My daughter just started crying.

Jason: My cat is clawing at my power cord. You know what this song needs? A belch.

Jeff: This is like Christmas with your grandparents, if your grandparents hate you.

Jason: I am almost positive that an uncle on my mom’s side has this album. Fall on your kneeeeeeees!

Jeff: Never in my life have I more desperately wanted to hear the voice of Eric Cartman.

Jason: That’s all I can think about too! O night! Diviiiiiiiiiiine! This was supposed to be a novelty album, Jeff. I’m let down.

Jeff: Well, it’s fairly novel.

Jason: This is worse than getting coal in my stocking. Or up my butt. I would rather pull tinsel out of my ass than listen to this. Although I love the sweater he’s wearing on the cover, with the white pants.

Jeff: Dude, Jim Nabors died for your sins. Show some respect.

Jason: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Jim Nabors is dead? Did I miss this?

Jeff: Well, he was. For three days.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha! Nabors Is Arisen!

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha!

Jason: I wonder if Nabors has an Easter album?

Jeff: The next time you see a car with one of those fish logos, only the fish is wearing white pants and loafers, you’ll know what it means.

Jason: You know, I love this song in general. It’s not that this version is bad. Not at all. It’s just square.

Jeff: O o O o O o Ohhhhhh

Jason: And when you told me Jim Nabors had a Christmas album, I was thinking something else entirely.

Jeff: Me too!

Jason: Like, him doing “Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer.”

Jeff: Like, “Oh Holy Night (Golleeee, Sarge!)”

Jason: Exactly! This is just….square.

Jeff: When I bought this for you, I noticed that Nabors had released like six dozen albums. I feel the need to hear more of them.

Jason: Six dozen?

Jeff: I can’t explain it.

Jason: Holy shit! That’s like…hang on…72 albums!

Jeff: What’s Nabors doing now?

Jason: Decomposing?

Jeff: I mean, Pat Boone had a comeback…

Jason: Is he dead or is he not dead? I seriously don’t know.

Jeff: Only one way to find out.

Jason: I know Don Knotts is dead. I know Robert Goulet just kicked it.

Jeff: And Abe Vigoda outlived them all.

Jason: Wait! Before you look! Let’s take a bet. What do you think? Dead or not dead?

Jeff: I say he isn’t dead.

Jason: Or, even better: Undead? Night Of The Living Nabors?

Jeff: I say he’s all-powerful.

Jason: Well, I guess I’ll say he’s dead. What do we bet? I’ll bet you….your wife.

Jeff: We bet that the loser has to play this album in the office. Loud.

Jason: That doesn’t count! You don’t have an office!

Jeff: I do!

Jason: You do?

Jeff: I’m sitting in it, asshole!

Jason: Yeah, but nobody’s there! It’s just you! This sucks!

Jeff: So what? You wanted to bet! Come on — is he dead or what?

Jason: Wait, do you know for sure whether he’s dead or not? Am I setting myself up for failure? Be honest. Otherwise you get more Nabors in your stocking. And I mean your actual stocking. Not some Christmas thing.

Jeff: Failure and Mellowmas don’t go together. Mellowmas is love. And I have no idea about anything related to Jim Nabors, other than this song. And Gomer Pyle.

Jason: Okay. I have a better idea, then.

Jeff: Oh, you pussy.

Jason: No, it’s another bet! A better one!

Jeff: I’m not sharing my wife with you.

Jason: ‘Tis the season to be sharing, Jeff. That’s what Santa said to Fred Flintstone when he wouldn’t share his Fruity Pebbles with Barney.
Jeff. Don’t be Fred.

Jeff: I can’t wait to hear about your office holiday party.

Jason: No, I’m not making that bet, because the stakes aren’t as high if you lose.

Jeff: Nonsense.

Jason: We have to think of something else if you lose.

Jeff: Damn, Nabors did “The Little Drummer Boy” on this album? I’m listening to that now. Okay, what were you saying?
Pa rum pa pum pum
Jason is a pussy
Pa rum pa pum pum

Jason: I’m going to win your wife, pa rum pa pum pum

Jeff: Go on and look it up. I must know.

Jason: Fine. Looking it up now.

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Yesssssssssssss!

Jason: Dammit.

Jeff: Pa rum pa pum pum!

Jason: This is the worst Mellowmas ever.

Jeff: And it’s just begun!

Jason: I could have sworn he was dead!

Jeff: You and his wife both! ZANG, Nabors! Right in your ear!

Jason: “After allegedly contracting hepatitis after accidentally cutting his face and making himself a “bloody mess” while attempting to shave with a straight razor in India, Nabors received a liver transplant in 1994. He performs occasionally, although he prefers to operate his macadamia nut plantation in Hawaii, where he also grows tropical flowers.”

Jeff: Oh, that is fucking perfect.

Jason: He has an album called “Kiss Me Goodbye.” With a title like that, he SHOULD be dead. I’m just saying. That’s prophesy right there.

About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

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