Day Two! And it’s even worse than Day One!
[audio:http://www.wwmmd.net/tunes/mellowmas/Jim Nabors – O Holy Night.mp3]
Jeff: Oh my God. Is this playing at the wrong speed?
Jason: Seriously, when you sent me this CD, this is NOT what I was expecting. I was expecting…Don Knotts or something. This guy actually has a real voice.
Jeff: My daughter just started crying.
Jason: My cat is clawing at my power cord. You know what this song needs? A belch.
Jeff: This is like Christmas with your grandparents, if your grandparents hate you.
Jason: I am almost positive that an uncle on my mom’s side has this album. Fall on your kneeeeeeees!
Jeff: Never in my life have I more desperately wanted to hear the voice of Eric Cartman.
Jason: That’s all I can think about too! O night! Diviiiiiiiiiiine! This was supposed to be a novelty album, Jeff. I’m let down.
Jeff: Well, it’s fairly novel.
Jason: This is worse than getting coal in my stocking. Or up my butt. I would rather pull tinsel out of my ass than listen to this. Although I love the sweater he’s wearing on the cover, with the white pants.
Jeff: Dude, Jim Nabors died for your sins. Show some respect.
Jason: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Jim Nabors is dead? Did I miss this?
Jeff: Well, he was. For three days.
Jason: Ha ha ha ha! Nabors Is Arisen!
Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha!
Jason: I wonder if Nabors has an Easter album?
Jeff: The next time you see a car with one of those fish logos, only the fish is wearing white pants and loafers, you’ll know what it means.
Jason: You know, I love this song in general. It’s not that this version is bad. Not at all. It’s just square.
Jeff: O o O o O o Ohhhhhh
Jason: And when you told me Jim Nabors had a Christmas album, I was thinking something else entirely.
Jeff: Me too!
Jason: Like, him doing “Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer.”
Jeff: Like, “Oh Holy Night (Golleeee, Sarge!)”
Jason: Exactly! This is just….square.
Jeff: When I bought this for you, I noticed that Nabors had released like six dozen albums. I feel the need to hear more of them.
Jason: Six dozen?
Jeff: I can’t explain it.
Jason: Holy shit! That’s like…hang on…72 albums!
Jeff: What’s Nabors doing now?
Jeff: I mean, Pat Boone had a comeback…
Jason: Is he dead or is he not dead? I seriously don’t know.
Jeff: Only one way to find out.
Jason: I know Don Knotts is dead. I know Robert Goulet just kicked it.
Jeff: And Abe Vigoda outlived them all.
Jason: Wait! Before you look! Let’s take a bet. What do you think? Dead or not dead?
Jeff: I say he isn’t dead.
Jason: Or, even better: Undead? Night Of The Living Nabors?
Jeff: I say he’s all-powerful.
Jason: Well, I guess I’ll say he’s dead. What do we bet? I’ll bet you….your wife.
Jeff: We bet that the loser has to play this album in the office. Loud.
Jason: That doesn’t count! You don’t have an office!
Jeff: I do!
Jason: You do?
Jeff: I’m sitting in it, asshole!
Jason: Yeah, but nobody’s there! It’s just you! This sucks!
Jeff: So what? You wanted to bet! Come on — is he dead or what?
Jason: Wait, do you know for sure whether he’s dead or not? Am I setting myself up for failure? Be honest. Otherwise you get more Nabors in your stocking. And I mean your actual stocking. Not some Christmas thing.
Jeff: Failure and Mellowmas don’t go together. Mellowmas is love. And I have no idea about anything related to Jim Nabors, other than this song. And Gomer Pyle.
Jason: Okay. I have a better idea, then.
Jeff: Oh, you pussy.
Jason: No, it’s another bet! A better one!
Jeff: I’m not sharing my wife with you.
Jason: ‘Tis the season to be sharing, Jeff. That’s what Santa said to Fred Flintstone when he wouldn’t share his Fruity Pebbles with Barney.
Jeff. Don’t be Fred.
Jeff: I can’t wait to hear about your office holiday party.
Jason: No, I’m not making that bet, because the stakes aren’t as high if you lose.
Jason: We have to think of something else if you lose.
Jeff: Damn, Nabors did “The Little Drummer Boy” on this album? I’m listening to that now. Okay, what were you saying?
Pa rum pa pum pum
Jason is a pussy
Pa rum pa pum pum
Jason: I’m going to win your wife, pa rum pa pum pum
Jeff: Go on and look it up. I must know.
Jason: Fine. Looking it up now.
FUCK! He’s ALIVE!
Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Yesssssssssssss!
Jeff: Pa rum pa pum pum!
Jason: This is the worst Mellowmas ever.
Jeff: And it’s just begun!
Jason: I could have sworn he was dead!
Jeff: You and his wife both! ZANG, Nabors! Right in your ear!
Jason: “After allegedly contracting hepatitis after accidentally cutting his face and making himself a “bloody mess” while attempting to shave with a straight razor in India, Nabors received a liver transplant in 1994. He performs occasionally, although he prefers to operate his macadamia nut plantation in Hawaii, where he also grows tropical flowers.”
Jeff: Oh, that is fucking perfect.
Jason: He has an album called “Kiss Me Goodbye.” With a title like that, he SHOULD be dead. I’m just saying. That’s prophesy right there.