Jeff: Oh, the weather outside is frightful, Jason. So much snow. So much shoveling.

Jason: Good. I hope you get trapped under a snow bank.

Jeff: I hate all the work winter entails up here in New Hampshire, and yet I almost decided to stay outside rather than come in here and listen to more shitty music with you.
But duty calls!

Jason: …you had to poop?

Jeff: Well, someone did.

Jason: Oh, I see where you’re going with this.

Jeff: Which reminds me of a man named Mitchell Stone.

Jason: Who is Mitchell Stone?

Jeff: I don’t know, Jason, but I do know this: he’s recorded a song called “When It’s Christmas,” and I’m pretty sure he did it just for us.

Jason: I’m looking over his oeuvre, and that seems like the most boring title of the bunch.

Jeff: I really have no idea what else he’s done. What are you seeing?

Jason: “Walkin’ Like a Penguin”

“The Social Network (Made Me Face Reality)”

Jeff: Hmm.

Jason: “Your Legs Must Be Tired”

Jeff: These titles are all reminding me of Dave Lifton’s mother.

Jason: And — in a moment of foreshadowing — “Flop at the Open Mic.”

Jeff: Well, whatever else you can say about Mitchell Stone, let it not be said that he lacks holiday spirit. He’s here to tell us all about what happens “When It’s Christmas,” man.

Jason: I feel like you know exactly what’s coming and I have no idea and I’m going to be really upset in about five minutes.

Jeff: Ah, production values.

Jason: What the hell is happening.

Jeff: When it’s Christmas, Mitchell Stone will be with you. And he’s gonna do all the things you want him to.

Jason: Oh my god. Guitar tracks that aren’t in sync with each other.

Jeff: He’s saving the best of the yuletide for Mommy, Jason. Do you understand what he’s getting at here?

Jason: I hear the jingle bells. I’m assuming they’re attached to a handcuffed gimp in the basement.

Jeff: When it’s Christmas, he’ll be with you.

Jason: Oh, is that a bridge?

Jeff: Is that a note?

Jason: Wow. When he says “So bring your sweet self over here,” I totally want to.

Jeff: “What happens here stays here and nobody needs to know.”

Jason: NO. NO. NO.

Oh, the gimp is back! Barry the Christmas Gimp!

Jeff: I would love, love, love to see the sheet music for this song.

Oh, fadeout! Awesome! I wonder if that means we’ll get the extended version in the box set.

Jason: I…I…I don’t even know what to say about what I just heard.

Jeff: Nobody needs to know, Jason.

Jason: My wife just said to me “Headphones. Now. That was horrible.”

Jeff: *leprechaun dance*

Did you show her the cover art? Because that’s kind of the skeevy cherry on top.

Jason: I feel like you can imagine the cover art just by hearing the song.
The “song.” And I hate to tell you this, but I see other Christmas songs in his repertoire.

Jeff: Wait, hold on a second. Are you telling me you want to hear Mitchell Stone’s other Christmas songs?

Jason: …maybe?

Jeff: You sick fuck.

Pick one.

Jason: I don’t know. Once I’m in it, I’m in it. I’m under the Gimp’s spell.

BTW, he has a song called “No Lennon McCartney,” which is kind of an understatement.

Jeff: “My Christmas Card to You (Joy, Happiness, and Me).” Notice how Mitchell is listed separately from joy and happiness.

Jason: One of these things is not like the other.

Jeff: This is on the same album that contains “Pink Ribbons (Beat Breast Cancer),” in case you guys are curious.

Jason: That song is on like three different “albums” of his.

Jeff: The one I’m looking at is titled Sky, and on the cover there is a picture of a guitar leaning against a wall. Very avant garde. That’s so Mitchell!

Jason: If there’s no Gimp, it’s not REALLY Mitchell Stone, Jeff.

Jeff: Well, there’s that trademark Mitchell Stone guitar sound.

Jason: Tuning is for wimps!

Jeff: “Production” is a myth!

Jason: I’m staring at my wife, waiting for her to look up. Hang on, let me make it a little louder.

Jeff: Jason, I’ve only been playing guitar since February. Are these chords?

Jason: The best part was at the end of that chorus where he hit that singular note.

Jeff: Yes! I loved that! That’s his solo.

Jason: She’s not looking up. I’m going to start singing along.

1:24: She gives me the death stare.

Jeff: Sky looks like glitter! The stars are shinin’ bright! The wise men knew which star to follow on that special night!

Jason: He thanks the Lord above!

You know what this song needs? Singing kids.

Jeff: Hell, it needs singing kids and Susan Boyle.

Oh, hey, was that Buddy Holly?

Jason: La-ha-ha-hove!

Over a minute left!

Jeff: If Mitchell Stone told us he wrote these as he went along, I’d absolutely one hundred percent believe him.

Jason: “At Christmas time at my house, there’s a very special place!”


Jeff: “It’s the spot on the radiator where the handcuffs go!”

Jason: 3:30: my wife got up and started looking for my headphones. She has no idea they’re in the basement!

Jeff: *leprechaun dance*

Jason: He ended on that note again!

Jeff: It’s over! Take a bow, Mitchell Stone! No fadeout this time, though. I’m sad about that.

Well, what have we learned today?

Jason: Oh, wow. So much! We’ve learned that chords, tuning and metronomes are vastly overrated.

Jeff: True! Also, what happens during Christmas at Mitchell’s house is something that no one needs to know about.

AND a gimp can play the hell out of a tambourine.

Jason: I think he actually says that in the first song, right? What happens here, stays here! #themoreyouknow

About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

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