The first year of Mellowmas (2006) was only twelve days long. Six of those days took place at Jeff’s website, which met its demise in the fall of 2007 due to an unscrupulous hosting company. Recreated from our chat logs ten years ago, here’s the day we publicly tied Christopher Cross to chalupas. — Jason

Christopher Cross — The Best Christmas (download)

From The Best of the Stars Come Out for Christmas and More

Jeff: And cue the magical keyboards…

Jason: Call me crazy, but those are DEFINITELY real drums.

Jeff: You’re crazy.

Jason: Wait, what is that first line? “A million years ago?” It sounded like “a meeny years ago.”

Jeff: Well, he isn’t a young man…

Jason: I’m picturing him as a young child, wearing that green Champion sweatshirt from the Arthur video.

Jeff: Dude. Imagine if Christopher Cross kissed you underneath the mistletoe.

Jason: Wait. His weird shaving pattern would hurt my face.

Jeff: I bet his aftershave smells like pork rinds.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha! Imagine waking up with Christopher Cross next to you.

Jeff: Key change!

Jason: I missed the key change? Oh, there it is.

Jeff: Let’s sing “Merry Christmas,” and hang our Christmas star.

Jason: He is fitting EVERY SINGLE CHRISTMAS CLICHE into one four minute song!

Jeff: To be fair, he didn’t write this.

Jason: Who wrote this? Let me guess: Stephen Bishop? The Ghost Of Christmas Cliches Past?

Jeff: Steve Dorff!

I wonder if David Foster charges a royalty for those “strings” whenever someone uses that preset. 

Jason: Oh, the drums have cut out. That means it’s a touching verse or something.

Jeff: Maybe they had to change the batteries.

Jason: no way, man. Those are REAL. That’s Alex Van Halen on the drums. I’m sure of it.

Jeff: Glissando!

Jason: Oh man, those keyboards. It’s like somebody said to the keyboardist, “Okay, now GO FUCKING NUTS!”

Jeff: It almost sounds like a harp! Just kidding. It doesn’t.

Jason: So gentle! Christopher Cross, warm me all Christmas long.

Jeff: I bet he could. He’d probably just be able to throw his leg across you.

Jason: When you get caught between the moon and Christopher Cross’s thigh…I know it’s crazy…but it hurts.

Jeff: Oh, God, what an unappealing image. That would NOT be the very best…so far.

Jason: I know this track just fades out, but how awesome would it be if a loud, distorted guitar power chord just ended the fucker out of nowhere?

Jeff: Too awesome for this song.

Jason: Good point.

Jeff: Can you tell I got this for free from a Taco Bell?

Jason: what year?

Jeff: I think it was 1991, believe it or not.

Jason: Which was better, this song or the chicken soft taco:?

Jeff: Neither. It was the nachos. They were the very best…so far.

Jason: Christopher Cross would have given anything for those nachos. He probably got paid in nachos.

Jeff: I hear he didn’t get paid at all.

Jason: Did he at least get some “buy one chalupa, get one free” coupons?

Jeff: Ha! Two chalupas? That’s like sorbet between courses for Christopher Cross.

Jason: I can’t top that one.

Jeff: He could down two chalupas between the lines of a verse. In fact, maybe that’s why there’s that pause between “very best” and “so far.”

Jason: I know what this song is missing. Sax solo.

Jeff: No, no, EWI solo.

Jason: EWI?

Jeff: Oh yes, my friend. The dreaded EWI.

Jason: I don’t even know what that is.

Jeff: Electronic Wind Instrument. And no, that isn’t what Stephen Hawking uses to pass gas.

Jason: (groan)

Jeff: Thank you, thank you.

Jason: We’re done.

About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

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