Jason: So, Jeff, I was looking online to find a good way to rip a YouTube video to an mp3.

Jeff: ‘Tis the season to be thieving!

Jason: What? All I wanted to do was rip it, then sell it.

Jeff: I don’t see any problem with that.

Jason: That’s what I thought. Anyway, I decided to search the always-awesome Lifehacker.

Jeff: Oh, I love Lifehacker. They always feature the most helpful, non-shittiest stuff.

Jason: And that led me to this link in particular.

Jeff: Hey, wait a minute.

Jason: Everybody needs to click on this link right now.


Jason: Do it, people. Do it because you have to see the gift that’s just been handed to us.

Jeff: Don’t say I didn’t warn you! Well, it was definitely handed to us, but now I need to wash my hands.

Jason: Look at their sample video!

Jeff: I would rather not, thank you!


Jeff: sigh
And here I thought we’d already covered every Wing Christmas song in existence. Silly me.

Jason: It’s a track from her new CD, Carols – rap and sing a beautiful Christmas with Wing.

Jeff: Wait, really?

Jason: The URL for this release ends with “cd19.html,” which fills me with dread. The thought of eighteen previous Wing releases is enough to give me night sweats.

Jeff: Hold on, I’m ordering this for you.

Jason: JEFF D…oh, whatever. It’ll get here after Christmas, so I’ll be safe for another 11 months.

Jeff: I don’t think you understand the way the Internet works.

Jason: I don’t think you understand how I work. You send me a Christmas release this late in the season, chances are it’s getting shelved until next Fall.

Jeff: You check your inbox right this instant or I’m having Wing call you again.

Jason: Oh, you motherfucker.

Jeff: leprechaun dance
It was only $4.95! What a bargain!

Jason: Hason really made out like a bandit this year!

Jeff: Now, what were you saying about night sweats?

Jason: I was saying that I’m going to drive to your house tonight and kill you in your sleep.

Jeff: Perfect. I’ll have my son practice the car stowaway drill before bed.

Jason: What the hell is that? Your son is only three. I know he’s already drinking, but driving?

Jeff: It ends with you somewhere in Massachusetts when Owen pops up in the back seat and calls you “my new daddy.”

Jason: If his new daddy is someone that doesn’t squander away money on shitty Christmas music, I think he’ll wind up a much better person.

Jeff: Well, we both know he’s out of luck on that count no matter what happens. Poor little fella.

Jason: I’m sitting here, staring at the Amazon link, trying to find a way to redeem this for a gift card instead of downloading it, yet still hearing the song.

Jeff: I’m perusing the track listing of this new Wing travesty. The first track is “Hallelujah.” Dare we hope Wing is covering Leonard Cohen here?

Jason: It sure is.

Jeff: And then, of course, there’s “Silent Night,” which I can’t believe Wing didn’t do on her last Christmas album. Followed by “Christmas Is Today,” which is, I’m guessing, Wing’s annual reminder to herself.

Jason: Forget about the standards, and also forget about my morbid inclination to send “Hallelujah” to everyone I know.

Jeff: And who doesn’t love “I’m Dreaming of a White Xmas”?

Jason: Yes, the song with the title they managed to bastardize, like, four times over. We should focus on “Santa Claus On a Helicopter.”

Jeff:That’s a sentence I never wanted to read.

Jason: Except you kind of did, and you know you kind of did.

Jeff: You know me so well. I’m kind of dying to hear whatever the hell this song is.

Jason: Yeah, so am I, actually.

Jeff: Knowing Wing, it’s probably exactly what the title makes it sound like.

Jason: I wonder if it features Rappy McRapperson again?

Jeff: Fingers crossed!

Jason: That guy is like Wing’s Phil Spector.

Jeff: Yes, if Phil Spector lived in his mom’s basement and smelled like barbecue sauce. Now I want to hear Wing try and say “Wrecking Crew.”

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: Or, oh my God, “Back from Mono: Wing Sings Phil Spector’s Greatest Hits.” Hold on, I just imagined Wing singing “Be My Baby,” and now the sofa is wet.

Jason: I think I might quite like a cover of “Da Doo Ron Ron.” Well, as usual, there’s only one way to find out what’s going on here. And that’s to listen and share it with all the other people who are probably audibly yelling at their screens right now.

Jeff: Much as I hate to admit it, you have a point.

Jason: Except you don’t kind of hate to admit it.

Jeff: Shall we find out what poor Santa is doing on a helicopter?

Jason: Hell yes!

Wing — Santa Claus On a Helicopter (download)

From Carols – Rap and Sing a Beautiful Christmas With Wing

Jason: It’s Wing! It’s a beautiful song about Santa Claus on a helicopter! Did she just try to say “traditional?”

Jeff: I accidentally started the song in two tabs at once, which I highly recommend.

Jason: She’s rapping! After that refrain that is going to stay in my head all day!

Jeff: I hope you’re alone in that.

Jason: I thought she just said something about Istanbul. I think I heard it wrong.

Friends! Something something!

Jeff: I don’t know WHAT I’m hearing.

Jason: Dance! Helicopter dance! And the postmans….wait, that can’t be right.

Jeff: Santa playing the flute?

Jason: I don’t know, is he?

Jeff: To the church to please the law?

Jason: I seriously can’t make out most of these words.

Jeff: Santa Claaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu


Jeff: On a helicoptaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Jason: And it’s totally done!

Jeff: Jason?

Jason: Jeff?


Jason: I have no idea, but I’m oddly giddy.

Jeff: I feel like this song somehow proves the existence of life on other planets.

Jason: I’m giddy thinking of all the readers today who are going to be hearing “SANTA CLAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUS! ON A HELICOPTAHHHHHHHHHH!”

Jeff: Yeah, you know, at first I thought you were a little weird for saying it was going to be stuck in your head. But now I think I’m going to hear that every Christmas for the rest of my life.

Jason: Did you hear how she went for another note near the end? One that wasn’t in the song’s key? Not that Wing ever really sings in the song’s key, but still?

Jeff: Every year, starting after Thanksgiving dinner: “Santa Claaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw! On a helicoptaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Jason: Oh my God, I am totally spending Thanksgiving with you next year.

We can stand up in front of your family.

We’ll tap a spoon against a wine glass.

Jeff: And then Wing will climb out from under the table.

Jason: You know, for $75 USD, we could probably get that.

Jeff: What a bargain!

Jason “Excuse me, everybody. I’d like to thank you for inviting me into your home this year to celebrate Thanksgiving with you. To celebrate this occasion, Jeff and I have prepared a little song that speaks to how we feel about this upcoming holiday season.”

Jeff: (muffled voice from under table) “Not a TRADITIONAL song.”

Jason: “Ahem. Mi mi mi mi mi mi.”

Suddenly, there’s a big bang. Wing hits her head on the table as she’s trying to come out.

Jeff: Of course she does. And apologizes to the table.

Jason: “Hello! It’s Wing. Sorry, table!”

Jeff: Well, I’m sold. Can we try and make this happen?

Jason: I don’t know. Are you comfortable with spending every Thanksgiving with me after that one? Because I’m pretty sure you’re going to end up divorced and homeless.

Jeff: Hold on, let me ask my wife.

Jason: And?

Jeff: “You’ll never end up divorced and homeless.” Ha! I win! And now I’m playing the song for my whole family. Everyone wins! SANTA CLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW ON A HELICOPTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAh

Jason: Wow! Okay, fine. Let’s do it at my house, then. Your wife is too tolerant.

Jeff: You can have our upstairs room after your wife divorces you.

Jason: That’s a great idea. You two will be fast asleep after a hard day of your wife teaching and you doing whatever it is that you do. It’ll be, like, three in the morning. And from upstairs you’ll hear me wailing.

Jeff: What, out of loneliness? Don’t worry. I’m pretty sure for an extra $250, we can get Wing to come and live with you.

About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

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