It’s Day Six of Mellowmas, and you may be wondering: is Mellowmas any different over in Jolly Old England? The horrible truth is…it may be worse!

Cliff Richard – Mistletoe & Wine (download or stream below)
From Mistletoe & Wine


[audio: Richard – Mistletoe And Wine.mp3]

Jason: Wow, listen to that cute little synthesizer.

Jeff: How gentle! How mellow!

Jason: Now, you know the story behind Cliff, right?

Jeff: Isn’t this guy like Elvis in England?

Jason: Apparently. He’s had, like, a million Christmas #1 hits in the UK. I only know him because of “Suddenly” with Olivia.

Jeff: He sounds like a cross between Glenn Medeiros and a recurring nightmare I used to have.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha! I just spit out my egg nog!

Jeff: Gifts on the tree?

Jason: A time for trusting, not deceiving. Just follow the master, Jeff.

Jeff: Yeah, I noticed that too. I wonder what he’s trying to talk her into?

Jason: Christmas time! Mistletoe and Wine!

Jason: I just heard that line about gifts on the tree again.

Jeff: Again with the gifts on the tree.

Jason: That makes no sense.

Jeff: A time for getting!

Jason: I think that was a real trumpet! Wait…what the hell is that?? Is that a baby crying?? Was that a guy actually pretending to play a harmonica with his mouth?

Jeff: What about that freaky chick doing background?

Jason: Listen to that timpani!!! Oh my god!

Jeff: Wow, is this over the top or what?

Jason: Seriously! And those are real horns, too.

Jeff: It’s like a Meat Loaf Christmas song.

Jason: Mmmm, meatloaf. That sounds better than mistletoe and wine. That sounds like that would taste terrible.

Jeff: Makes about as much sense lyrically as a Loaf song would, actually. There’s that chick again. I wonder if it’s Cliff Richard?

Jason: Ugh!

Jeff: Or if he found himself a little castrato boy?

Jason: I bet that’s not a girl! I bet that’s a boy!

Jeff: On loan from Gary Glitter!

Jason: Ladies and gentlemen, production by Gary Glitter! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! I’m scared that we both went there instantly.

Jeff: Our lawyers will be scared, too.

Jason: So Wikipedia says that this was Cliff’s 99th single. And his 12th #1.

Jeff: This was a single? Oh, man. What year?

Jason: 1988! The song “was originally performed by Twiggy in a TV musical based on Hans Christian Andersen’s The Little Match Girl in 1986. Richard liked the song but wanted to change the lyrics to reflect a more religious theme, to which the writers agreed.” 4 weeks at #1 and 750,000 copies! Holy shit! I can totally understand it, though. It does have a classic Christmas carol sound.

Jeff: Yeah, well, this is the same country that made a sensation out of that ringtone frog. And Bob the Builder. And the Spice Girls.

Jason: “It was also used in a British public information film about drink driving, with the intention of scaring motorists.”

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha!

Jason: They succeeded!

Jeff: All they had to do was film a drunk driver frantically trying to change the station! Swerving this way and that!

Jason: Ha ha ha ha! “I could have sworn he was talking about gifts on a tree!”

Jeff: Having heard only one of Cliff Richard’s 99 singles, I believe I can now say he sucks.

Jason: That’s not true. You know “Suddenly.” It was a Mellow Gold selection. And I love that song.

Jeff: I may have heard it. But I don’t remember it.

Jason: Nice to know you read my entries. I shouldn’t talk. though. I never read your stuff.


About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

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