Welcome to Day Five of Mellowmas! Call me crazy, but this could be the worst day of them all.

Mike Love – Santa’s Goin’ To Kokomo (download or stream below)
From Mike Love Sucks Donkey Balls iTunes


Jason: Listen. Since we were down in the tropics yesterday…why leave? Let’s just move over a little bit. Let’s go to Kokomo. Mind you, I don’t want to go there. But I know you do. Otherwise, why would you actually BUY me this track last year? And then post it on your own site? And then suggest it for Mellowmas?

Jeff: I’m scared. But I’m willing to face my fear. Let’s go.


Jason: Ding dong, ding dong! Asshole at the door! The minute I hear his voice, I want to punch him in his smug little mouth.

Jeff: I was just thinking that.

Jason: Who are these fucking kids? These kids are getting coal in their stocking. Every year from now on.

Jeff: Eventually, Mike will sue them to get it.

Jason: “Santa caught a sunburn surfing on his sled!” You know the kids sang it and Love was like, “you kids suck. You don’t know how to sing. I am the Beach Boys, you little shits!”

Jeff: I wonder if Mike Love owns any of the places he’s naming in this song.

Jason: Do you think there’s any greater form of selling out than playing backup for Mike Love?

Jeff: Rock solo! Who’s the asshole playing this solo?

Jason: Dual guitars! He couldn’t even find guys to accurately replicate the Beach Boys sound.

Jeff: “All the other places Santa likes to go.” You’re gross, Mike Love.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha! “When they really need a break from working at the pole!” Holy SHIT! Shame on you, Mike Love!

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha!

Jason: Listen to the clapping at the end!

Jeff: At least it’s short.

Jason: What you don’t hear is Mike Love going, “don’t fucking clap, you little bastards!” You ever see Jimmy Fallon do his Barry Gibb impression on SNL, where he’s like, “I’M BARRY FREAKIN’ GIBB!”? That seems much more appropriate for Mike Love.

Jeff: His Wikipedia entry says “Love has attempted several times to have a career outside the Beach Boys. However, in 2003 he announced plans for a new solo album. This album, which has been announced under the working titles Unleash The Love and Mike Love, Not War (not to be confused with the Beach Boys bootleg of the same name), is still a work in progress, though bootleg recordings have appeared.” So goddamn icky.

Jason: You know, the story behind “Kokomo” is fascinating, but I’d much rather it had never happened. Not just because the song sucks. But because it made Love believe he really could have a future without Brian.

Jeff: You don’t think he believed that in 1960?

Jason: See? Now I’m all depressed. Mike Love has ruined Mellowmas. More than the Bellamy Brothers. So answer me. Why did you want to do this song in 2007 when you already subjected your readers to it back in 2006? Why do you hate me? Why do you hate them? Why do you hate truth and freedom and justice and Santa Claus?

Jeff: I’m a complicated man.

About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

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