Happy fourth day of Mellowmas! Before you join us under the palm tree, you should know that there’s a place where you can actually get some good holiday tunes this year.  Check out our friend Jeff Ash at AM, Then FM: thoughtful music from a thoughtful writer.

And now, back to the crap!

Bellamy Brothers – Having A Tropical Christmas (download or stream below)
From The Stars Come Out For Christmas Vol. V Amazon


[audio: Brothers – Having A Tropical Christmas.mp3]

Jason: This song sounds famliar.

Jeff: I feel seasick.

Jason: And not just because it’s a Buffett ripoff.

Jeff: I think there’s sand in my ass, too.

Jason: I think you made me listen to this one last year. This is disappointing already, because the only Bellamy I know is Bill Bellamy. And this is definitely not Bill Bellamy.

Jeff: I think this is Bill Bellamy.

Jason: Who are these douchebags?

Jeff: Wayne Brady on the glockenspiel.

Jason: Are these Jimmy Buffett’s roadies? Because I’m pretty sure he trademarked this sound.

Jeff: I don’t know anything about the Bellamy Brothers…other than that I hate them.

Jason: Did they just thank Baby Jesus? For this…

Jeff: “…Tropical silent night.” Ugh.

Jason: I know. This is terrible. And YOU sent it to me. Twice. You hate me. Oh god, jingle bells and steel drums.

Jeff: Or the steel drum setting on a Casio synth, anyway.

Jason: I generally don’t mind jingle bells on most songs, but next to a steel drum? Yuck. They’re going to go caroling through paradise. What a gay set of brothers.

Jeff: I think the only Christmas song I’ve ever hated more is the Mike Love one.

Jason: Oh, don’t get me started on that one. That one’s next, kiddo.

Jeff: groan

Jason: They’re building snowmen in the sand. Couldn’t they come up with better lyrics?

Jeff: Grandma wants a new bikini!

Jason: I just threw up!

Jeff: Holy shit is this bad. And they fade it out! That means there’s MORE of this in a vault somewhere.

Jason: They just said “let there be peace on Earth” during the fadeout! Did you notice they saved the most important message for the fadeout? It was MUCH more important for them to talk about their grandmother wearing a goddamn bikini.

Jeff: Was that the most important message? I feel like “Satan is my master” was the overriding theme here. And speaking of Satan, I wonder if this would be good if you played it backwards.

Jason: These brothers are perverts. Hmmm, maybe it IS Bill Bellamy!

Jeff: Dude, the Bellamy brothers are actual brothers.

Jason: You know them?

Jeff: I just looked it up.

Jason: Oh no. Wanna bet if one of them is dead?

Jeff: They are unfortunately both still alive.

Jason: What else have they done? Other than wished me the worst Mellowmas ever?

Jeff: Let me see…Oh, “Let Your Love Flow.” No wonder this sucked.

Jason: What the hell is that? Does it also sound like “Margaritaville?”

Jeff: I guarantee you have it on your iPod right now, dumbass.

Jason: What year?

Jeff: Uh. 1976. Oh, this is perfect. Aside from being their biggest hit, “Let Your Love Flow” has the distinction of having been written by one of Neil Diamond’s roadies.

Jason: I have it! Should I listen to it? Dare I listen to it?

Jeff: Sure. I know you know it.

Jason: Am I getting away from the spirit of Mellowmas if I do so?

Jeff: “The Bellamys’ most recent project is an album of gospel music, titled Jesus Is Coming, released on May 8, 2007.”

Jason: Sounds like a porn movie.

Jeff: Ha! Just play it, so you can put this Turdmas classic behind you and we can move on to…oh, wait, no, don’t. Let’s never move on.

Jason: Ha! I don’t know this, actually. And I think I kind of like it.

Jeff: Get outta here!

Jason: So maybe we should move on.

Jeff: They have apparently performed the song at multiple rallies for George W. Bush.

Jason: I LOVE George W. Bush! This is perfect!

Jeff: So now I’m certain I’d probably dislike them as people as much as I hate them as musicians.

About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

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