Happy Third Day of Mellowmas! Today we’re celebrating/punishing you with not one, but two Mellowmas songs! Lucky you!

Captain & Tennille – I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas (download or stream below)
From The Secret of Christmas Amazon

[audio: And Tennille – I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas.mp3]

Jason: Jingle jingle!

Jeff: Cascading keyboards of crappiness!

Jason: Ready for shit? Here it comes!

Jeff: Oh, holy fuck.

Jason: HA HA HA HA HA HA! She wants a hippopotamus, motherfucker! Give her a fucking hippopotamus!

Jeff: What did Daryl Dragon do to deserve this? He must beat her.

Jason: Does this suck or what? I don’t know who wrote this or why they wrote it.

Jeff: I know WHY they wrote it.

Jason: Why?

Jeff: They wrote it because they hate people. And Christmas. And hippos.

Jason: Teacher says hippo is a vegetarian! Or did she say vagitarian? She massages the hippo! I have the worst images running through my head.

Jeff: And the worst sounds to match!

Jason: Other people dream of sugar plum fairies. Not me. I dream of Tennille rubbing down a hippo.

Jeff: I dream of Tennille falling down a flight of stairs.

Jason: You can hear her smiling while she’s singing, which somehow makes it worse. Love those keyboards?

Jeff: Totally.

Jason: I don’t know if you’ve heard the rest of the album – I have – it’s ALL Casio.

Jeff: She’s like Kathie Lee Gifford’s shittier cousin.

Jason: Oh shit!

Jeff: Hippo voice!

Jason: The hippo’s talking! That’s probably Tennille’s voice when she gets pissed at Daryl.

Jeff: Ha ha ha!

Jason: “FEED ME, DARYL!”

Jeff: Oof.

Jason: I wonder what the motivation was behind recording this song. Does she think kids are going to buy this album? Or parents are going to be on the playground, going “you have GOT to get the new Captain & Tennille album!”

Jeff: “I use it when my kids act up!”

Jason: “It has a HYSTERICAL song about hippopotamuses!”

Jeff: “I send them to their room and make them listen to it for hours!”

Jason: “She rubs down the hippo! It’s so funny!”

Jeff: “It works better than threatening them with military school!”

Jason: “Forget Muskrat Love! That’s so ’70s! Hippo Love is totally in vogue right now.”

Well, our readers deserve worse than this. They deserve another C&T shitty holiday song. Pull up “Here Comes Santa Claus.”

Jeff: Oh, another one!

Jason: I have heard this one already. It’s a Daryl Dragon instrumental.

Captain & Tennille – Here Comes Santa Claus (download or stream below)

[audio: And Tennille – Here Comes Santa Claus.mp3]

Jason: More jingles! That drum sound? Right out of the Casio bank.

Jeff: You weren’t kidding when you said this was all Casio.

Jason: I swear to you, this entire album is nothing but Casio.

Jeff: Holy shit. What the fuck are they spending their royalties on?

Jason: Oh, you just heard the “ho ho,” didn’t you? Seriously, it’s like it’s 1985 and he stole his kid’s keyboard. This is abysmal.

Jeff: Chipmunks! Hurry Christmas, don’t be late…

Jason: You think he was on acid?

Jeff: He’s definitely on my nerves.

Jason: I mean, who really enjoys their Casio this much? How old is he now? This is acceptable when you’re, I don’t know, 8. When you’re – how old is he, 80? 90?

Jeff: Really? You wouldn’t have hated this when you were 8?

Jason: If I was playing it? I’d be like, “oh BOY! Look what I can do!”

Jeff: “Look how many presets this thing has! All you have to do is hit “samba” and yell “ho, ho, ho” into this voice-changer mike!”

Jason: Do you think he’s still wearing the captain’s hat? I should tell our readers that there are some other Mellowmas gems on this album. I don’t think we should include any here.

Jeff: Such as “Tahoe Snow”? Or “Boogie Baby Christmas”?

Jason: There’s a song that features at least three Tennille parts, and she pretends it’s her and her sisters.

Jeff: Man, I’m looking at this track listing and finding it deeply disturbing that you’ve listened to the whole thing. You must be joking.

Jason: Dude, YOU sent it to me! Oh no, wait. You sent it to Vrabel. Vrabel sent it to us. You sent this to Vrabel, and I don’t think he even listened to it. We need to get Vrabel back. Any ideas?

Jeff: That’s okay. He listened to worse. (foreshadowing)

Jason: Brilliant! Before we finish this, I think I need to find the cover of this album. I have a bad feeling it’s horrible. Or a good feeling it’s horrible. Either way, my stomach hurts.

Jeff: Sounds like you need another dose of Mellowmas.


Jason: Ugh! She’s smelling his aftershave!

Jeff: Dig that font.

Jason: Nothing says “class” like a tie with a denim shirt. You know what I miss? Daryl’s moustache. That thing was KICKIN’. At least he still has his “Capt. Douchebag” hat.

Jeff: I think those might be Crunch Berries on his tie.

Jason: Ha ha ha! Wait, actual crunch berries? Like, from breakfast that day?

Jeff: Ha ha ha!

(Jeff & Jason note: To our chagrin, we discovered that “I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas” is actually an old classic.  You’re off the hook this time, Daryl.) 

About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

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