It’s the third day of Mellowmas, friends â€” how are you holding up? Me, I’m cranking Sabbath all day long to cleanse my palate. And the mellow isn’t letting up anytime soon.
So. Christopher Cross was our partridge in a pear tree, Air Supply was two turtle doves â€” who’s our French hen? Why, none other than erstwhile Chicago sap-hound Peter Goddamn Cetera. (I checked â€” that’s his middle name. It’s Polish.) The last ten years have seen a great awakening amongst artists of Cetera’s peer group and musical persuasion â€” an awakening to the fact that Christmas albums are what they call “evergreens” in the industry, because year in and year out, they never stop selling. How else is Kenny Loggins going to get some endcap space at Best Buy? Really, his choices are to either record a Christmas album or die unexpectedly. (John Denver did both, and look at how many albums he sells. Just an idea, Loggins.)
Unfortunately, Cetera screwed up when he made his seasonal collection. I’m not referring to the fact that he titled it You Just Gotta Love Christmas, although that’s certainly a mistake of epic, mellow proportions. No, Cetera’s big mistake was in licensing the album to a shady, fly-by-night distributor that shat Gotta into a black yuletide hole. There were lawsuits, of course, and now Cetera’s Santa-suited cash grab is being reissued.
Buy it here. Or something:
Peter Cetera – You Just Gotta Love Christmas (2004)
purchase album (Amazon)
Now, ladies and gentlemen, without further screwing around, Jason and I give you Peter Cetera’s rendition of “Jingle Bells” (download):
Jeff: Okay, here come those bells. These vocals are so fucking groovy and psychedelic.
Jason: “Don’t stop ringing those jingle bells?” What kind of line is THAT?
Jeff: There are like a dozen Ceteras in there.
Jason: That’s 12 more than I need.
Jeff: The smoothness, it burns.
Jason: How does he sound like such a wuss all the time? He SOUNDS limp-wristed. He doesn’t even say the word “way.” It’s more like “weh.”
Jeff: Have you ever seen him sing?
Jason: Doesn’t he barely open his mouth?
Jeff: Yeah, on account of having his jaw broken at a Dodgers game.
Jason: The horns on this are actually not bad. And they’re certainly real.
Jeff: I bet every time Cetera makes an album, the producer and the label bug him about putting horns on it. And he resists for awhile, but eventually, he explodes in a weeping fit of rage.
Jeff: I have to say, this is much better than “The Best Christmas.”
Jason: Yeah, I kind of like it. My mom would love it.
Jeff: Don’t say that.
Jason: I get the point, Peter. I won’t stop ringing those jingle bells.
Jeff: It was mercifully brief. I’ll give it that much.