Not much to say, everybody.Á‚  This is simply one of the worst days yet.

New Kids on the Block — Funky, Funky, Xmas (download)

From Merry, Merry Christmas Amazon iTunes

Jason: Ho, ho, ho! No, no, no!

Jeff: Oh, little train? My little elf?

Jason: What fresh hell is this?

Jeff: Are the New Kids missing teeth?

Jason: Why, oh WHY do the New Kids think they’re black?

Jeff: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh God.

Jason: Oh man. This song is five minutes.

Jeff: No it isn’t.

Jason: It is.

Jeff: Stop it.

Jason: You picked this, asshole. We could have listened to the single, “This One’s For the Children.”

Jeff: Jordan K feels so Christmasy? What happened here? I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around this song.

Jason: I don’t get it. Didn’t NKOTB have Maurice Starr governing their every move? Where the hell were you, Maurice?

Jeff: Did you hear them ask Santa to kick the ballistics? And…what’s with the fake English accent? MC Santa?

Jason: And here’s the other problem. They’re telling us to have a “funky, funky Christmas,” yet this song is absolutely devoid of funk.

Jeff: Honestly, we’ve heard some strange stuff over the last few years, but I think this is the first time one of our conversations has been 90% questions.

Jason: Ha!

Jeff: And you’re right, there’s no funk here. At all.

Jason: Fresh rhymes, I’m throwin’.

Jeff: Oh no! Danny D is rhyming!

Jason: Wait a minute. His name is Danny Wood. Isn’t that Danny W?


It’s Danny D I’m here with Christmas cheer
no feeling to end the party of the year
it’s going I’m showing fresh rhymes I’m throwing
it’s snowing outside but we ho-ho-hoing
Santa’s on the way, sleigh bells are ringing, swinging, everybody start singing

Jason: Uh…I mean, I think that’s his name. I, uh, don’t really know.

Jeff: Do you see that?

Jason: I don’t see it. I’m pretending you never typed it.

Jeff: I think he has bigger problems than the correct initials.

Here’s MC Santa Claus again.
Kicking the goddamn ballistics.

Jason: What is with this elf Little Train bullshit? Oh man, he just name-checked Maurice.

Jeff: You were right, this is five minutes long.

Jason: Maurice was probably in the Cayman Islands, counting his money.

Jeff: Maurice was probably laughing his ass off. This song sounds like someone lost a bet.

Jason: I’m not even positive that Maurice knew this album was released.

Jeff: Like, the engineer didn’t think Maurice could make them do this song. And he was all like, “Watch me make these little honkies sing for their supper.” And then he wrote this ‘song’ on the back of a napkin.

Jason: I disagree. I think this song is an example of Donnie or whomever being like, “hey, we’re real artists. And we identify with real soul. Let us rap.” And Maurice was probably thinking, “You guys are fucking idiots,” but then he checked his account balance at the bank and decided that they couldn’t possibly do enough harm with just one song.

Jeff: Mmm hmm. I almost wish I had the liner notes in front of me, so I could check for the inevitable “beats programmed by Donnie Wahlberg” credit.

Jason: Ha!

Jeff: I was just reading something the other day about how tweenage girls are the dumbest human beings on the planet, and this kind of proves it.

Jason: Man. If only…If only we could watch a video of these d-bags performing this song. Perhaps live, on The Arsenio Hall Show.

Oh wait! It’s our lucky day! Merry Christmas, little Jefito train!

Jeff: You bastard.

Jason: Ho, ho, ho!

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Jeff: What the fuck is Arsenio wearing? Did he steal one of Michael Jackson’s jackets?

Jason: Ooh, look at those dance moves!

Jeff: Did the New Kids do the same dance for every song?

Jason: Of course they did! *Nsync hadn’t raised the bar yet. Listen to that audience. They can’t get enough.

Jeff: Put on a shirt, you little dick!

Jason: Wait a minute. Aren’t there five members? I only see four.


Jason: Where is Jonathan? I mean, uh…the guy that’s missing? Fuck, I am totally coming out of the closet today.

Jeff: Holy shit, would you look at the little one…I think he stole Anthony Geary’s perm from 1985.

Jason: Hey Joey, you know what’d look good on you? A mustard-colored shirt, buttoned up to the top.

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha!

Jason: Seriously, Jeff. There’s a guy missing.

Jeff: Um, I don’t know what you’re talking about. I only know that the guy who I think ended up selling real estate is now rapping.

Jason: Hey, it’s the goon New Kid! Danny! The ugly one! He should join a band with Ike Hanson.

Jeff: I’m sorry, I can’t ignore this anymore. Why do you know this shit? Do you have this CD? Wait, were you in the studio when this was taped?

Jason: Shhhh, Arsenio’s joining them.

Jeff: I want to die!

Jason: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! Arsenio just name-checked LL Cool J! LL Cool J probably wanted to kill himself!

Jeff: They’re creating a whirling vortex of anti-funk! If it touches funk, it will destroy the universe!

Jason: Ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: Oh, man. Never have I wanted to slap you harder than I do right now.

Jason: Why? You picked this song, dickhole!

Jeff: But you found the video! The video made it worse! The New Kids + Chunky A – fat suit = worse!

Jason: Ha ha ha ha! Chunky A!

Jeff: Looks like you were right, by the way. Arsenio said “These are the New Kids, minus one.” Which one? I have no idea.

Jason: It was Jonathan. Who doesn’t know the names of these five guys? I don’t want to know them, but I do, and there’s nothing I can do about it. The same way I know every word to “Tell It to My Heart.” It’s just something that I can’t erase from my brain.

Jeff: Me. I don’t know the names of those five buttholes.

Jason: Yeah, but you know the names of all the session musicians on Chiicago’s albums in the ’80s. It’s the same thing.

Jeff: It is NOT the same thing. Those were actual, hardworking musicians.

Jason: You are lame. Like me. In a different way, but laaaaaame. This is why we’re married.

Jeff: The New Kids are why? I don’t want to talk about this anymore. I feel like I need a drink.

Jason: Don’t be such a baby.

Jeff: I feel like I should have had one before I watched that, actually.

Jason: Just remember who started this whole thing. It was you.

Jeff: No, look, in all seriousness, here’s the thing about this shitty song.

Jason: Lay it on me.

Jeff: Much of what we hear during Mellowmas is very bad, right?

Jason: Yes.

Jeff: But it’s sincere. At least it’s sincere. This, on the other hand, is crass.

Jason: You don’t think they sincerely wanted us to have a funky, funky Christmas? I totally got the vibe that they really wanted us to have a funky, funky, Christmas. They just didn’t have the self-awareness to know that they couldn’t possibly give it to us.

Jeff: It’s the sound of bad people who want to get richer. AND IT WORKED.

Jason: Yeah, but I don’t think they were like, “we suck, but the public will buy anything.” I think they were like, “We’re on top of the world, and we can do anything, and we’re funky, dammit.” They were wrong, but I think they came from an earnest place. And earnest is the underlying theme of all Mellowmas.

Jeff: You’re quite naive, aren’t you? You don’t even know when a New Kid is trying to pick your pocket. How have you survived in New York for so long?

Jason: I’m naive? Do you KNOW the shit I’ve listened to over the past three Mellowmasses?

Jeff: Of course I do!

Jason: You know what? This isn’t worth it. I’m not going to fight with you over NKOTB and Mellowmas. Let’s end this right now. Just do me one favor.

Jeff: Uh oh.

Jason: One tiny favor before we go. Please?

Jeff: Um…What is it?

Jason: Have a funky, funky Christmas.

Jeff: sigh


Jeff: All right. I will have a funky, funky Christmas.

Jason: Thank you.

Jeff: I may also kick the ballistics. Just one time, though.

Jason: Thank you, little train.

Jeff: No problem, my elf.

Jason: No, little train IS the elf. You didn’t listen at all!

Jeff: Shit.

Jason: Here we go again!

Jeff: Nooo! Not again!

About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

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