Jason: Well, Jeff, I think there’s one record this year everybody’s been waiting for us to cover for Mellowmas.
Jeff: Paul Simon Goes to the North Pole?
Jason: gasp DID THAT HAPPEN?!?!?
Jeff: I wish!
Jason: There’s nothing I love more than nebbishy little Jewish guys singing Christmas songs.
Jeff: We both love nebbishy little Jewish guys, it’s true. Hey, how do you feel about lanky recovering drug addicts?
Jason: Your mom’s okay with me as long as I keep her in one room.
Jeff: Is she lanky now? She must have started up on the P90X again.
Jason: I’m guessing you’re talking about Scott Weiland, though. Because that’s what I’m really talking about.
Jeff: I’ve tried to put this off as long as possible, but yes, I am talking about Scott Weiland.
Jason: I remember listening to him cover “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” a couple of years ago. I thought it was going to be terrible, but instead, it was pretty good.
Jeff: Well, it was certainly unexpected. Neither of us thought we’d hear Weiland going all crooner on us.
Jason: Well, here’s the thing. He was a little croon-y, but it seemed to fit his voice.
Jeff: I was kind of stunned. I mean, I’m generally stunned that Weiland is still alive and managing to find gainful employment, but this time I was stunned in kind of a good way.
Jason: Yeah, same here. It was pretty. It remains on my “good Christmas songs” list.
Jeff: And we’ve been waiting for it to finally make its way into the world so we could talk about how very non-Weilandy it is.
Jason: Well, if I recall correctly, this album has been on the “to be released” list for at least a year. I believe it was slated the 2010 holiday season.
Jeff: Oh, at least a year. I want to say it’s been hanging around on the schedule longer than that. But the point is that this has been a long time coming. It’s rare that a Mellowmas artist gives us this much advance warning. Usually, you just open your mailbox and scream.
Jason: And by “you,” you don’t mean the general “you.” You actually mean me.
Jeff: It’s the most wonderful time of the year!
Jason: If I was next to you right now, I’d tackle you so you couldn’t do your stupid leprechaun dance. In any case, I’m actually quite optimistic about this release. If it continues in the vein of “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas,” I’ll be quite happy.
Jeff: Ha! You said “vein.”
Jason: Maybe “vein” is a poor choice of word.
Jeff: It’s funny because he does drugs!
Jason: awkward throat-clearing
Jeff: So what are we going to listen to today? “Waiting for My Man for Christmas”? Oh, wait, no, that’ll end up on A Very Lou Reed Christmas in 2016.
Jason: You totally got me. I just went to see if that track was on the album.
Jeff: I wish he’d done that. That would have taken this record right off the Mellowmas list.
Jason: I heard they released a video for “Winter Wonderland.” Let’s listen to that track and see if it follows suit. I think it will. It’s a holiday classic!
Jeff: Um, what could go wrong?
Scott Weiland, “Winter Wonderland” (download)
Jeff: Oooh, horny!
Jeff: I can’t believe this is really Weiland.
Jason: Wait a second. Wait.
This is not what I’m looking for.
This is NOT what I’m looking for.
Jeff: Are you referring to the fact that it sounds kind of like Weiland had a stroke?
Jason: Yeah. And he’s, like, faux-croony.
Jeff: Yeah, exactly. It’s hard to describe, but it sounds like he isn’t crooning so much as just fucking around.
Jason: This is a shame.
Jeff: “Old people are stupid and so is their music!”
Jason: I’m disappointed, but at least it has the obligatory “Winter Wonderland” key change.
Jeff: You know what? Nothing about this was obligatory. Perfunctory, more like.
Maybe that was a rehearsal take that ended up on the record by mistake?
Jason: There’s gotta be something better on here. What about “I’ll Be Home for Christmas”?
Jeff: Let’s give Weiland another shot. Sure.
Scott Weiland, “I’ll Be Home for Christmas” (download)
Jeff: Hey, strings!
Jason: Another classic opening! Wait, WHAT THE SHIT.
Jeff: This is definitely not right, Jason.
Jeff: “Weiland Falls Asleep at Christmas.”
Jason: Is this at half-speed?
Jeff: This is definitely a joke.
Jason: This is bullshit. It’s obnoxious, too.
Jeff: I don’t care what anyone says, this is a joke. I only hope the people who played on it weren’t around when Weiland strolled in and tracked his half-assed vocals.
Jason: I was thinking the exact same thing. Because what a waste. The arrangement is so nice.
Jeff: The arrangement is fine, and the non-Weiland performances are solid. The production is clean. And then Weiland came in and shit all over it. This is the kind of thing I’d expect to hear on a Richard Cheese Christmas record.
Jason: Yes, exactly.
Something interesting happened just now: I found myself agreeing with the lead singer from Slipknot.
”I’ll give you another example. Does anyone know who Scott Weiland is? Do you know that Scott Weiland has a Christmas album now? Oh, it’s bad. It’s bad. Let me f—ing explain to you how bad it is. There is a video online of him singing, and he’s very serious. Cause Christmas is serious. His hair is all slicked back and he’s in his f—ing s—-ty tuxedo.”
Taylor began his lifeless impression of Weiland’s take on Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas’ which ended with him attempting to swallow the microphone mid-lyric. He then further explained his beef with Weiland:
”So, I’m watching this — painfully watching this, because hey, know your enemy — and I’m just like, Why?’ It’s not that he’s a bad singer, ’cause he’s not. I love STP, I love some of the s—t that he did with Velvet Revolver. It’s not that he’s a bad f—ing singer. He’s a lazy piece of s—t, is what he is at this point.”
Jeff: Amen to you, Corey Taylor.
Jason: This is what Mellowmas has come to, Jeff. I AM SIDING WITH SLIPKNOT.
Jeff: Siding with Slipknot? I’m wishing we’d LISTENED to Slipknot today.
Note: I have never listened to Slipknot.
Jason: I can make that happen.
Jason: It’s just Corey Taylor, but what the hell. Let’s listen. This day can’t get any worse, can it?
Jeff: You son of a bitch.
Jason: Hey, he just made the same noise you did! And he said “balls”!
Jeff: This is already several thousand percent better than Weiland!
Jason: ….I kind of love it. This is awesome!
Jeff: JASON THIS IS MY CHRISTMAS THEME SONG
Jason: OH MY GOD YOU’RE RIGHT! clapping along
Jeff: Corey Taylor broke Mellowmas!
Jason: dancing in chair
Fa la la la la, go fuck yourself!
Jeff: Hold on, I’m buying this song, along with maybe everything Corey Taylor and Slipknot have ever done.
Jason: Uh, wait a second.
Wait, you know what? Don’t wait a second. Go for it.
Jeff: Don’t worry, I’ll send you copies too.
Jason: AHHH GODDAMMIT