What would Christmas be without Neil Sedaka?Á‚  Other than a whole lot better?Á‚  Today, we do something especially cruel: we give you not one, but two songs from one of the sappiest artists alive.Á‚  Enjoy!

Neil Sedaka — Love is Spreading Over the World (download)

From The Miracle of Botox Christmas Amazon iTunes

Jason: I just want to tell you how excited I was when I found this record.

Jeff: I can see why.

Jason: Like, I knew it was awful before I even heard a note. It’s so…calculated.

Jeff: I’m transfixed by the cover photo.

Jason: Listen to this shit. Listen to that synthesizer!

Jeff: I know, it’s supposed to be a Hammond.

Jason: I would bet ANYTHING that’s Daryl Dragon.

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha!

Jason: It sounds like Captain & Tennille! Key change! And more C&T keyboards!

Jeff: What do you think Neil looks like when he’s singing? I imagine him with a grin permanently frozen on his face. Snapping his fingers.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha! In a sweater.

Jeff: Oblivious to the fact that his producer has left the building.

Jason: You think this gospel choir in the background went out and committed mass suicide after this?

Jeff: He’s really having fun here. You can tell. He doesn’t even know how much he sucks.

Jason: It’s like he’s trying to channel “Put a Little Love in Your Heart.”

Jeff: God is alive and he’s making a comeback! Oh no!

Jason: God is NOT alive, Neil.

Jeff: Watch out, sinners!

Jason: Wait for it, here it comes…PRAISE GOD!

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Jason: God’s like, “No! No! Stop! Don’t praise me!”

Jeff: Funky breakdown!

Jason: Do you feel it?! Clap! Clap! Clap!

Jeff: Neil Sedaka is a Baptist!

Jason: I’m bopping in my chair! Amen!

Jeff: That isn’t bopping — that’s your internal organs trying to escape.

Jason: He just said “praise God” again! Ha ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: I feel like we’d be remiss if we didn’t tell our readers that this is a DOUBLE-DISC SET. TWO DISCS OF SEDAKA.

Jason: The first is traditional Christmas music. We didn’t even download that one. The second, with original Christmas music, seemed much more enticing.

Jeff: I almost wish I had a physical copy of this, so I could give it to the oldest person I know.

Jason: …Ron Dante?

Jeff: Ha! I bet Ron and Neil are gummin’ buddies!

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: They crack a six-pack of Ensure and talk about the good old days!

Jason: So I’ve actually listened to all of this disc. I think he mentions God specifically in every track, but this one seemed to be the most blatant. God. Is. Alive. And. He’s. Making. A. Comeback.

Jeff: More blatant than “Where Is God?”

Jason: Ooh, good point.

Jeff: Yes, friends, there is a track titled “Where Is God?”

Jason: “Where is God” is actually a depressing track, if I remember correctly. It’s not like “Where is Thumbkin.”

Jeff: Ha!

Here I am!
Here I am!
How are you today, sir?
Choking on Sedaka!
Run away!
Run away!

Jeff: Jason, this whole record is depressing.

Jason: I know.

Jeff: I’m sure there’s an infomercial for it somewhere.

Jason: runs to YouTube

Jeff: It probably plays in a loop in the restrooms of Ron Dante cruise ships.

Jason: Shit! I can’t find one! I did find “Laughter in the Rain,” which is an awesome song, but I digress.

Jeff: Well, we found it at eMusic, and something tells me Neil’s target demographic doesn’t frequent that particular vendor. I’m sure he’d sell more copies on QVC.

Jason: I think the first disc was released last year, and now they’re re-releasing as a 2-disc set. Or something.

Jeff: Deluxe reissue!

Jason: Wasn’t there another track you wanted to foist upon our poor readers?

Jeff: I think there was.

Jason: Something that reminisced about the Andrews Sisters or something?

Jeff: Oh yes.

Jason: “Razzle Dazzle Christmas,” I think it was.

Jeff: “Razzle Dazzle Christmas.”

Jason: What the fuck. Let’s just do it. These people hate us by now, anyway. We only have one reader left. Alan O’Day.

Jeff: Hi, Alan!

Jason: And Alan probably knows Neil. Who knows, we may have just pissed off Alan O’Day. But it’s okay. A copy of “Vergissmeinnicht” and some chloroform will calm him down.

Jeff: This is a short track. They can count themselves lucky for that much, at least.

Neil Sedaka — Razzle Dazzle Christmas (download)

From The Miracle of Botox Christmas Amazon iTunes

Jeff: Hee hee hee!

Jason: Sedaka channels Bob Fosse!

Jeff: Where is God, indeed!

Jason: Sedaka’s totally doing jazz hands! Careful, Neil! You’ll break your hip!

Jeff: Silly sound effects!

Jason: I think he’s going to name-check some people soon.

Jeff: I think he’s going to die soon.

Jason: We can drink some brandy! Great idea, Neil!

Jeff: Sugar on a spoon!

Jason: Give me a taste of the old days, it was sugar on a spoon? What the hell does that mean?

Jeff: That’s Thursday afternoon at Boca del Boca!

Jason: Crosby and the Andrews Sisters!

Jeff: Brenda Lee could rock it! Haaaaaaaa ha ha ha ha ha!

Jason: Brenda Lee! He slept with Brenda Lee! Brenda Lee is havin’ his baby!

Jeff: What’s with that fucking whistle?

Jason: Big finish! BIIIG FINISH! Kick line!

Jeff: Do you think this is what karaoke night at Neil’s sounds like? Oh! My colostomy bag!

Jason: Ha ha ha ha! Oh, thank God that’s over. Whew

Jeff: That was…something.

Jason: It was. I don’t even know what to say.

Jeff: I think you do.

Jason: Except Neil Sedaka + jazz hands = my lunch, coming right back up.

Jeff: urp

About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

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