With four candidates vying to be this city’s next mayor — and each one of us drawing roughly 25 percent of the vote in the latest tracking polls — I had no choice but to create negative attack ads (as opposed to positive attack ads, which usually feature footage of me engaging in surprise tickle fights). They’ll begin airing next week, but because I like you so much and know you’ll vote for me simply because you need all the friends you can get (we’ll discuss your wardrobe later), I’d like to offer you a verbal preview of each ad.
First up, the most inspirational opponent of the bunch but also, oddly enough, the least lively:
Bob Marley wants to be your next mayor. If elected, he promises to “stir it up” at City Hall and restore “one love” to Bootleg City.
All he asks is that voters “get up, stand up” to elect Mayor Robert Cass out of office. But how can Mr. Marley get up or stand up when he’s been lying down … for the last 28 years?
Could you be loved by Bob Marley? Isn’t the more urgent question “Could you be dead, Bob Marley?”
The answer is yes. Because he is.
On November 3, vote for a candidate who’s still alive. Vote for Robert Cass for Mayor.
Paid for by the Committee to Re-elect a Mayor Who’s Never Shot a Sheriff.
Next up, the oh-so-worldly David Byrne:
Once in a lifetime, a mayoral candidate comes along who can truly make a difference.
David Byrne is not that candidate.
In 1977, during a failed bid for the office of county dogcatcher, Mr. Byrne told reporters, “It’s gonna make life easy for me … I will relax along with my loved ones … Don’t you worry ’bout me.”
Do you really want a mayor who expects to relax once he’s elected? A mayor who will spend more time in Africa pretending to care about their music than in the city he pretends to call home?
If David Byrne doesn’t worry about the government, who will?
Don’t let David Byrne build a road to nowhere. On November 3, take him to the river and drop him in the water. (Metaphorically speaking, of course. Don’t hurt the guy or anything. Mayor Robert Cass doesn’t need another martyr like Bob Marley on his hands.)
Paid for by the Committee to Re-elect a Mayor Who Isn’t a Psycho Killer. (Qu’est-ce que c’est?) A Mayor Who Won’t Kill You. (Merci beaucoup!)
I also have an attack ad for my third and final opponent, Matt Wardlaw, but I’ll save it for next week just to keep him in suspense, not to mention awake and paranoid at all hours so he can tire himself out before the final push. Besides, I’m already showcasing one of his many donated bootlegs this week: Bad Company, performing at Hard Rock Live in Orlando, Florida, on May 21, 1999. Hmm … Matt Wardlaw … bad company … These attack ads pretty much write themselves, as you can see.
A supergroup formed in the early ’70s by members of Free, King Crimson, and Mott the Hoople, Bad Company took their name from director Robert Benton’s 1972 Western, which stars a fresh-faced Jeff Bridges. (The band also named one of their songs after themselves. Or they named it after the movie as well. Which leads me to wonder if Jeff Bridges has an unreleased pet project called “Living in a Box” sitting in a studio vault somewhere in Hollywood.)
I suggested to Mr. Wardlaw that he take his new campaign slogan from the title of another film starring “the Dude.” But which one? The Last American Hero? The Contender? Iron Man? What about Stay Hungry? Against All Odds? Fearless?
Or how about 1982’s Kiss Me Goodbye? I’ll take a rain check on the kiss, Matthew, but on Tuesday, November 3, it will be time for you, Bob, and David to say goodbye to your political hopes and dreams in Bootleg City. (I love being a politician. It’s like a free pass to be the cattiest bitch the world has ever known.)
Can’t Get Enough
Ready for Love
Tracking Down a Runaway
Soul of Love
Hammer of Love
Feel Like Makin’ Love
Rock ‘n’ Roll Fantasy
Run With the Pack
Live for the Music