Sugar Water: How I Messed Up Everything for Everybody
Sunday, May 4th, 2008 by Robert Cass
Late last week news reports began to appear stating that pop diva Mariah Carey had married actor Nick Cannon in a secret, i.e. paparazzi-free, ceremony. My first thought was that her new album, E=MC², must need a sales boost as it enters its second month on the charts. Crass and cynical of me, yes, but I did defend Tom Cruise when he declared his love for Katie Holmes on Oprah back in 2005 by jumping on the talk show host’s couch. (But was it a couch? The picture below makes it look more like Siamese chairs.) I thought it was a genuine, if shame-free, show of affection, not a publicity stunt to promote Cruise and Holmes’s upcoming summer blockbusters (War of the Worlds and Batman Begins, respectively).
Last Friday Cruise was interviewed on Oprah for the first time since ‘05. One news item about his appearance mentioned that PR experts had analyzed the interview and determined that he came across as “serious” and “thoughtful,” i.e. not communicating with a miniature version of L. Ron Hubbard that floats above his left shoulder. Tom, one of my goals since I was a young boy has been to win the respect and complimentary fruit baskets of PR experts all across this great nation of ours. You’ve set a fine example for me, and I’ll do what I can to add to your legacy.
I’m also one of the few people I know who defends Cruise’s heterosexuality. Since 1996 I’ve written hundreds of letters to the toothy megastar requesting a romantic dinner date, and I’ve never gotten a single response. Disappointed, gossip hounds?! Move along … nothin’ to see here. As for Mariah Carey’s potential publicity stunt, she has good reason to marry a guy 11 years her junior just to sell more copies of her new album, because music retail ain’t what it used to be. Do what you have to do, Mariah. No pressure, but the fate of the compact disc is in your hands.



DENZEL: (picks up phone) Hello?
Two weekends ago I went AWOL from detox for a few hours to attend a screening of the documentary Movin’ On Up: The Music and Message of Curtis Mayfield and the Impressions at the Chicago Cultural Center. Movin’ On Up will be released on DVD next month by
I realize that’s supposed to make Caruso sound like a nut job, but to me, it just reinforces that he “gets” what the show is these days — a live-action cartoon with candy-colored cinematography and a lead character who wears the same dark suit and sunglasses week after week much like a comic-book character would. (I did see a second-season episode the other night on A&E in which Horatio was wearing an olive-green suit and didn’t put on his sunglasses once during the last 20 minutes. CSI: Miami hadn’t become a cartoon yet, and although Horatio was already addressing suspects while standing at a 90-degree angle, he did eventually turn toward them and make eye contact for more than 1.4 seconds.) You could also call his performance self-parody: Caruso gets the last laugh at his own joke, but like I said last week, the joke can wear thin since I know he’s capable of much more as an actor, which is one reason why CSI: Miami is just empty calories. Still, I can’t look away when he’s playing his superhero robot ghost cop.
I’m not trying to argue that there are hidden depths to the carrot-topped actor’s portrayal of Horatio Caine, the police detective who heads up the Miami-Dade County police department’s forensics team, but I am defending the method in his madness. (According to someone I know whose brother has appeared on the show in a guest-starring role, there may actually be some undiagnosed madness in Caruso’s method. Then again, ain’t we all a little crazy?) Many people think Caruso’s a terrible actor, which just isn’t so. Instead, he’s a good actor who’s gotten lazy, although I do think he’s keeping himself entertained as he goes through the motions week after week. He could still turn in a solid performance if he wanted to, but for now he’s content to deliver his
The reason Kaminsky apologized in the first place is because the writer of the review, freelancer David Peisner, had heard only one song from the album — “Goodbye Daughters of the Revolution” — before he wrote his critique, which said that Warpaint “hasn’t left [frontman] Chris Robinson and the gang much room for growth.” Peisner told the Los Angeles Times that he was assigned to write a “preview” of Warpaint, which Maxim then turned into a review by slapping a star rating on it. The Black Crowes and their manager, Pete Angelus, complained about the review on the band’s website, so Kaminsky issued a statement: “It is Maxim’s editorial policy to assign star ratings only to those albums that have been heard in their entirety. Unfortunately, that policy was not followed in the March 2008 issue of our magazine….”
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