I’m a day late with this week’s post, but I’m not going to apologize. Apologies are for suckers. And one of those suckers is Maxim editorial director James Kaminsky.

He apologized to the magazine’s readers late last month after it published a two-and-a-half-star review of the Black Crowes’ latest album, Warpaint. Two and a half out of five, y’all. Do the math, then translate it into English — the result is “Uh … you know … it’s okay, I guess.” Let the war of apathetic words begin!

The reason Kaminsky apologized in the first place is because the writer of the review, freelancer David Peisner, had heard only one song from the album — “Goodbye Daughters of the Revolution” — before he wrote his critique, which said that Warpaint “hasn’t left [frontman] Chris Robinson and the gang much room for growth.” Peisner told the Los Angeles Times that he was assigned to write a “preview” of Warpaint, which Maxim then turned into a review by slapping a star rating on it. The Black Crowes and their manager, Pete Angelus, complained about the review on the band’s website, so Kaminsky issued a statement: “It is Maxim’s editorial policy to assign star ratings only to those albums that have been heard in their entirety. Unfortunately, that policy was not followed in the March 2008 issue of our magazine….”

That makes it sound like Maxim is leaving itself some wiggle room so that it can continue to give lukewarm reviews to albums its writers haven’t heard, just as long as some stars aren’t placed above the writers’ text.

Works for me!

“It speaks directly to the lack of the publication’s credibility,” Angelus said in a statement reported by the Associated Press. “What’s next — Maxim’s concert reviews of shows they never attended, book reviews of books never read and film reviews of films never seen?”

What a brilliant idea, Pete Angelus! I want to apply it to real life too. For example:

ME: Hey, mister, you’re fat.

FAT GUY: That’s not nice. Now I will punch you in your face.

ME: Notice I didn’t rate your fatness on a scale of one to five stars.

FAT GUY: Ah, you’ve got me there. Carry on then!

What a wonderful world this would be. But if you were to say something as crass as “You sure are ugly, lady — FOUR-AND-A-HALF-STARS UGLY!,” that homely woman would have the right to shoot you dead.

I for one think the practice of rating an album based on one song, or a TV series based on one episode, or a movie based on the five minutes I see before I fall asleep on my couch, is a practical thing. Our attention spans are getting shorter and shorter, and our lives are becoming busier and busier. Besides, we judge people all the time based on how they look, but how many of those people do we really take the time to get to know? Think about it. You feel pretty shallow now, don’t you? (In all seriousness, though, blondes are nothing but trouble. Crazy as hell, every single one of ‘em. Stay far, far away — unless they’re really pretty.)

Recently I wrote Jeff Giles and Jason Hare and told them that at the Grand Avenue subway stop in Chicago there are three middle-aged black men who sing pop and R&B oldies in three-part harmony. All three are good singers, but after a couple months their set list of “You Send Me,” “My Girl,” and “Stand by Me” got to be a tad predictable. However, in the past few weeks they’ve started singing Bread’s “Make It With You” (apologies are for suckers, but I am a sucker for Bread) and — one of my all-time Philly-soul favorites — the Delfonics’ “La La Means I Love You.” These guys absolutely nail “La La,” adding impressive harmonies that would’ve made cowriter and coproducer Thom Bell proud.

I had judged these three men based on their repeat performances of a few songs rather than on their full body of work, which will surely continue to expand in the downtime between loud approaching trains. Gentlemen, I’m sorry I evaluated you too quickly. I’m also sorry that I placed gold-star stickers on your foreheads this evening after you played my request of “La La Means I Love You.” In my defense, it seemed like a good idea at the time. I realize now that you would’ve preferred a dollar bill.

Before Maxim apologized or even admitted whether or not David Peisner had reviewed an album he hadn’t heard, it made the following statement: “Maxim will continue to provide our readers with information that is important to them, whether it is about fashion, lifestyle, technology, music, movies and more.” Wait a minute, that’s not why I look at Maxim every now and then when I’m in the magazine aisle at the grocery store. But why do I look at it? Hmm … I’m drawing a blank. I’d better google “maxim magazine” to refresh my memory.

Hot Girls, Sex, Photos, Hot Videos, Sports, Movies and Music
Maxim Magazine’s online home includes Videos, Pictures, and Articles for Girls, Sports, Sex, Technology and everything cool.

Oh yeah — hot girls and sex! I knew I was forgetting the one thing Maxim does well on a regular basis. I’ll have to remember that the next time I’m flipping past Lindsay Lohan’s cleavage on my way to the unreliable album reviews.

Robert’s Rating of His Own Writing: *
(on a scale of zero to one stars)

This entry was posted on Monday, March 17th, 2008 at 11:59 pm and is filed under Current Events, Music, Sugar Water. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.