The Eighteenth Day of Mellowmas: It Takes a Village

Written by Mellowmas, Mellowmas 2014, Music

The road to Mellowmas is paved with good intentions

Jason: Jeff, you know what this holiday is missing?

Jeff: The sight of me leaving?

Jason: Close! A song by Victor Willis, one of the original members of the Village People.

Jeff: I don’t even know what to say to you anymore. Every time I think Mellowmas can’t get any weirder or any worse, you pull some shit like this.

First of all, who cares which members of the Village People were “original”?

Jason: That’s exactly what I thought when Jeffrey Thames put this song on my Facebook wall.

Jeff: Second, go to hell.

Oh good, it’s a charity single for Ebola aid.

Jason: “Willis wrote the tune with the intention of inviting Diana Ross, Carlos Santana, Bruno Mars and other artists to join in it.”


Jeff: “Their invitations were lost in the mail.”

Jason: “Willis eventually abandoned the collaboration because coordinating schedules would have delayed the song’s release. ”

Jeff: “In his pursuit of the idea, though, some of the artists asked him, ‘Who’s the kid or teenager doing the vocals?’ He replied, ‘That’s not a kid, that’s my wife.'”

Jason: “Yeah, uh, Bruno wasn’t available until February, and I just couldn’t really wait that long, is what I said to myself in the mirror.”

Jeff: This keeps getting grosser and grosser.

Jason: So this isn’t actually a Christmas tune.

Jeff: Well, if it isn’t actually a Christmas tune, then we’re off the hook. Phew! Glad we dodged THAT bullet.

Jason: BUT. Good news! There’s a “Christmas Mix” of the song. And I haven’t listened to it, but I’m going to guess it just adds jingle bells.

Jeff: I’m going to hate every single second of this, I can tell.

Jason: I remember when that keyboard was popular!

Jeff: Oh no.

Jason: Wait. Is this him?

Jeff: No, no, no.

Jason: Or Karen? Is he really saying “shoo-er” instead of “sure”?

Jeff: Don’t care! Nope. No.

Jason, stop this! Stop this from happening!

Jason: It’s like Thames, Jeff! I can’t stop him, and I can’t stop this.

Jeff: Please let us go back in time and plead with these people to end this before it happens!

Jason: Is this a joke?

Jeff: You know, I once wrote a really nasty review of a benefit CD and asked what it meant if music recorded to raise money for victims of a disaster was actually worse than the disaster itself. I was kind of out of line at the time.

But not today.

Jason: Not. Today.

Jeff: First of all, you were right about the goddamn sleigh bells. Second, this woman cannot sing.

Jason: Wait, did he say something about “Africa” and the “illest”?

Wait. That’s a woman?

Jeff: Third, the song is terrible.

Jason: I’m so confused.

Jeff: Fourth, Victor Willis is a bad husband.






Jason: Ha ha ha ha! Acoustic guitar! Out of nowhere!

It’s definitely a sin, Jeff.

Jeff: Oh, thank goodness for that fadeout.

Jason: That was terrible.

Jeff: TURRBLE. That was the Ebola of Christmas music.

Jason: I don’t even know what else to say.

Jeff: Why do YOU have to think of something to say? It’s this helmet-wearing asswipe who needs to explain himself.

Did we tell everyone that he’s got a full-length album on the way? He does.

Jason: Hooray!

Jeff: At least now I know what I’m going to send Dave Lifton after I finally finish my turn in Earmageddon.

Jason: Just send it to him now. Why wait? You’re delaying an opportunity for him to save the people.

Save the world.

Save our eardrums.

Jeff: Good point. He might come down with Ebola any day. You know the way he lives. This way, I can help raise money for a cure AND torment a good friend.

Jason: See? Mellowmas redemption! I knew there was a point to this today!

Jeff: You know, you’re right. This has helped me rediscover the true meaning of Mellowmas! Hurting others to make yourself feel better.

Jason: See? Full circle. You’re just doing unto others what Victor Willis has done unto us.

Jeff: I only wish it could erase the sound of his wife’s voice in my head.

Jason: I still don’t think that’s his wife. I don’t know who it is, but he wouldn’t do that to his wife.

Jeff: Are you suggesting that these are just sped-up vocals that he recorded out of the side of his mouth while moving his lipstick-encircled hand?

Jason: I don’t know EXACTLY what that means, but at this point, my brain is a mess. This song has done some bad things to me. Quick, record a tribute song for me. It can’t be worse than this. I promise.