Jeff: ¡Hola, Jason!
Jason: I already don’t like where this is going. Adios.
Jeff: ¡No es bueno! ¡Es verdad!
Well, it’s like this, señor. Remember yesterday, when you callously impugned Jon Secada?
Jason: Yeah, I remember. It was for, like, a second. What’s it to you?
Jeff: Well, you’re never going to believe this, but guess what Jon Secada did in 2007? Wait, wait, let me tell you — he released an album called A Christmas Fiesta.
Jason: Put on a black-and-white shirt and renamed himself Pierre Perpall the Entertainer?
…oh. I like my answer better.
Jeff: Me too! Although, to be fair, I like Jon Secada’s album cover better, on account of there being no Pierre Perpall on it. Or Jon Secada, really.
Jason: Whatever happened to Jon Secada? He was absolutely huge for a while there.
Jeff: Actually, he apparently scored a Number Three hit from A Christmas Fiesta…on the AC charts, so it doesn’t really count. But hey, big ups to Jon Secada.
Jason: …I guess…?
Jeff: That’s better than the year 2000, when he released five singles from his album Better Part of Me and none of them charted anywhere.
Jason: I like Jon Secada’s voice. Nice and smooth. I’ve never had Ovaltine, but I’d guess he’s the Ovaltine of pop music.
Jeff: Does that make Gloria Estefan…hot chocolate?
Jason: Spicier. Chai, maybe.
Jeff: I’m uncomfortable with the direction this conversation is headed. We should switch things up by listening to a song that starts off like a Cheech and Chong skit.
Jason: Oh no!
Jeff: cackle Oh yes. We’re about to hear Jon Secada get back to his roots! And by “his roots,” I mean “the days when he still answered to Juan Secada.” Because that’s totally his real name.
Jason: I don’t even know what song you could be referring to.
Jeff: Sadly, it isn’t Jon Secada’s cover of “Low Rider.” It’s actually the innocuous-seeming “Let It Snow.”
Jason: Seeming? How could “Let It Snow” be anything other than innocuous?
Jeff: We’re about to find out. Ready?
Jason: I feel like every time you ask that, you don’t really care about the answer.
Jon Secada, “Let It Snow” (download)
Jeff: Arriba arriba!
Jason: Holy shit, you called it.
Jeff: Es mucho offensivo!
Jeff: Actually, once that crap is out of the way, this arrangement is pretty kickass.
Jason: This may be the first artist we’ve listened to all season who actually used authentic instruments.
Jeff: I like the way Juan Secada sings “signs.”
Jason: I actually like this.
Jeff: ¡Bailando! This totally lives up to A Christmas Fiesta. Juan is getting funky!
Jason: I feel like if I put it on any of my Christmas mixes, people would skeptically look at me, but I like it anyway.
Jeff: Little bit! Little bit! Let it snow!
Jason: Those horns are kick-ass!
Jeff: Hold on, I’m putting on a satin shirt.
Jason: You should put on your Liberace vest too. He has yet to name a place where it’s going to snow, but whatever.
Jeff: You shut your face. In Puerto Rico! In Colombia!
Jason: Has Jon Secada done any Broadway work? He should.
Jeff: He’s about one second from breaking into Eddie Murphy’s imitation of Ricky Ricardo.
Jason: Wow, he has. Grease, Cabaret and Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.
Jeff: “On October 27, 2012, Secada will star in the Broadway-style musical Loving the Silent Tears, which will premiere in Los Angeles.”
Jason: I think I knew all of that, actually.
Jeff: Wait, so Jon Secada is like a brown Donny Osmond?
Jason: I think he’s more like a white Pierre Perpall. I don’t know, Jeff. This happens to us every so often, you know? We expect the worst and we get something that’s actually pretty good. He’s the Paul Carrack of 2012.
Jeff: He’s absolutely the Paul Carrack of 2012. We should start handing out an award for this.
Jason: That’s probably the best way to save a track that isn’t too bad.
Jeff: It’s brilliant. It starts off like a train wreck, too.
Well, we’re only partway through this year’s songs, but I’m comfortable calling it here — the Paul Carrack Memorial Mellowmas Award of 2012 goes to Juan Secada for “Let It Snow.”
Jason: ¡Felicidades, Juan!
Jeff: ¡Y Navidades!