Jeff: ¡Hola, Jason!

Jason: I already don’t like where this is going. Adios.

Jeff: ¡No es bueno! ¡Es verdad!

Well, it’s like this, seÁ±or. Remember yesterday, when you callously impugned Jon Secada?

Jason: Yeah, I remember. It was for, like, a second. What’s it to you?

Jeff: Well, you’re never going to believe this, but guess what Jon Secada did in 2007? Wait, wait, let me tell you — he released an album called A Christmas Fiesta.

Jason: Put on a black-and-white shirt and renamed himself Pierre Perpall the Entertainer?

…oh. I like my answer better.

Jeff: Me too! Although, to be fair, I like Jon Secada’s album cover better, on account of there being no Pierre Perpall on it. Or Jon Secada, really.

Jason: Whatever happened to Jon Secada? He was absolutely huge for a while there.

Jeff: Actually, he apparently scored a Number Three hit from A Christmas Fiesta…on the AC charts, so it doesn’t really count. But hey, big ups to Jon Secada.

Jason: …I guess…?

Jeff: That’s better than the year 2000, when he released five singles from his album Better Part of Me and none of them charted anywhere.

Jason: I like Jon Secada’s voice. Nice and smooth. I’ve never had Ovaltine, but I’d guess he’s the Ovaltine of pop music.

Jeff: Does that make Gloria Estefan…hot chocolate?

Jason: Spicier. Chai, maybe.

Jeff: I’m uncomfortable with the direction this conversation is headed. We should switch things up by listening to a song that starts off like a Cheech and Chong skit.

Jason: Oh no!

Jeff: cackle Oh yes. We’re about to hear Jon Secada get back to his roots! And by “his roots,” I mean “the days when he still answered to Juan Secada.” Because that’s totally his real name.

Jason: I don’t even know what song you could be referring to.

Jeff: Sadly, it isn’t Jon Secada’s cover of “Low Rider.” It’s actually the innocuous-seeming “Let It Snow.”

Jason: Seeming? How could “Let It Snow” be anything other than innocuous?

Jeff: We’re about to find out. Ready?

Jason: I feel like every time you ask that, you don’t really care about the answer.

Jon Secada, “Let It Snow” (download)

Jeff: Arriba arriba!

Jason: Holy shit, you called it.

Jeff: Es mucho offensivo!

Jason: Whoa!

Jeff: Actually, once that crap is out of the way, this arrangement is pretty kickass.

Jason: This may be the first artist we’ve listened to all season who actually used authentic instruments.

Jeff: I like the way Juan Secada sings “signs.”

Jason: I actually like this.

Jeff: ¡Bailando! This totally lives up to A Christmas Fiesta. Juan is getting funky!

Jason: I feel like if I put it on any of my Christmas mixes, people would skeptically look at me, but I like it anyway.

Jeff: Little bit! Little bit! Let it snow!

Jason: Those horns are kick-ass!

Jeff: Hold on, I’m putting on a satin shirt.

Jason: You should put on your Liberace vest too. He has yet to name a place where it’s going to snow, but whatever.

Jeff: You shut your face. In Puerto Rico! In Colombia!

Jason: Has Jon Secada done any Broadway work? He should.

Jeff: He’s about one second from breaking into Eddie Murphy’s imitation of Ricky Ricardo.

Jason: Wow, he has. Grease, Cabaret and Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.

Jeff: “On October 27, 2012, Secada will star in the Broadway-style musical Loving the Silent Tears, which will premiere in Los Angeles.”

Jason: I think I knew all of that, actually.

Jeff: Wait, so Jon Secada is like a brown Donny Osmond?

Jason: I think he’s more like a white Pierre Perpall. I don’t know, Jeff. This happens to us every so often, you know? We expect the worst and we get something that’s actually pretty good. He’s the Paul Carrack of 2012.

Jeff: He’s absolutely the Paul Carrack of 2012. We should start handing out an award for this.

Jason: That’s probably the best way to save a track that isn’t too bad.

Jeff: It’s brilliant. It starts off like a train wreck, too.

Well, we’re only partway through this year’s songs, but I’m comfortable calling it here — the Paul Carrack Memorial Mellowmas Award of 2012 goes to Juan Secada for “Let It Snow.”

Jason: ¡Felicidades, Juan!

Jeff: ¡Y Navidades!

About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

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