Jason: So. Ten years of Mellowmas.
Jeff: It seems like a lot when you say it that way.
Jason: But it’s more than that.
Jeff: More than 10? Wait, we’re not stopping?
Jason: It’s actually our tenth anniversary of being friends!
Jeff: OH THAT. Yes, that’s true! Such a blissful decade of friendship.
Jason: I’m a nostalgic person, as you know.
Jeff: I do know this. I’ve seen you tear up at the sight of a 3D Santa.
Jason: Don’t you start with me! (sniff)
Jeff: Let it out, little buddy.
Jason: That Radio City Santa opening number is BEAUTIFUL.
Tito, get me some tissue.
Anyway, thinking about our ten-year bromance got me to thinking: when did our relationship go from just being acquaintances, to being mutual fans of the same music, to going out of our way to send each other awful music?
Jeff: Within the space of about four days, I think, although I could be remembering that wrong.
Jason: Do you remember how it started?
Jeff: I feel like we went from you sending me the Jellyfish box to me sending you the collected works of Benny Mardones in less than a month.
Jason: That’s not it. It’s okay, I’m already crying from 3D Santa. I’ll just keep crying since YOU DON’T REMEMBER.
Jeff: I’ll just be drinking silently in the corner.
Jason: It started because I sent you the Paris Hilton album.
Jeff: THAT’S how it started? You fucker! That hurt.
Jason: I know. And the truth is that I didn’t remember it starting this way either. I remember you starting it. In fact, you may still have started it. This is just the earliest thing I can really remember.
But anyway. Paris Hilton. I sent you her album. Do you remember how you retaliated?
Jeff: Metal Machine Music?
Jason: YOU ARE KILLING ME RIGHT NOW
Jeff: Am I wrong AGAIN?
Jason: YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT US
All these years.
Jeff: You are Dan Hill, I am Vonda Shepard.
Jason: Isn’t Dan Hill dead?
Jeff: He’s Canadian, so I guess he might as well be.
Jason: Oh wait. I’m thinking of Jim Nabors.
Jeff: Anyway. What am I not remembering here?
Jeff: OH THAT! That CD polluted a section of my shelf for years! I wonder how I finally got rid of it.
Jason: Yeah. I wonder.
So gosh, that CD sucked, and I wish you weren’t bringing it up right now.
Jason: I wish the same thing. And I didn’t intend to bring it up. But you, see, Jeff.
It’s like this.
Jeff: The worm turns again!
Jason: I was doing some spelunking down the ol’ Mellowmas rabbit hole.
Jeff: That was your first mistake. Don’t go in there.
Jason: And I found this album called Songs in the Key of Z, Vol. 2: The Curious Universe of Outsider Music.
Jeff: concerned scowl
Jason: Which seems similar to Only in America Volume 2. Except.
Jeff: EXCEPT WE WILL NOT BE LISTENING TO IT
Jason: EXCEPT THIS ONE HAS A CHRISTMAS TRACK
Jeff: JASON DON’T
Jason: It’s time for “Santa Claus Kissed Me” by Beulah!
Jeff: Well, there’s a cat on the album cover, which I think constitutes fair warning.
I think this is what Tom Waits’ mom sounded like after a couple of drinks.
Jason: I have to tell our listeners: listening to this on headphones is a real treat.
Jeff: I’m listening to it on headphones right now, and for the record, I strenuously disagree.
Jason: I think I just heard a truck drive by.
Jeff: I wish I had been in the road.
Jason: Me too, buddy. ME TOO.
This sucks, Jason.
Jason: Sure does, “friend.” I love the emotion that pours forth from Beulah when she says she flipped her lid — which is to say it sounds like every other line.
Jeff: Is she even singing words? I don’t hear anything
Jason: I feel like I just missed a plot point or something. I can’t focus.
Jeff: It’s just one long, unintelligible punch in the eardrum.
Jason: I don’t even have the strength to Google her.
Jeff: I reeeeemember God gave us pure Chriiiiiiiistmas cheeeeeer
Jason: Jeeeeeesus was born in Bethlehem our fiiiiiirst Christmas yeeeeeeeeear
Jeff: People on God’s biiiig earth please start your Christmas day riiiiiiight
Jason: Let’s join haaaands across God’s ocean, God’s holy….and fadeout.
Jeff: Thank you, fadeout! Thank you!
Jason: Praise God! Praise Beulah! PRAISE THE TEN YEAR FRIENDSHIP OF JASON AND JEFF
Jeff: I have to say, I could think of better ways of praising it.
Jason: Clearly remembering our history is not one of those ways. I say you get what you deserve.
Jeff: Can you blame me?
Jason: …I feel like that’s exactly what I did during this entire chat.
Jeff: If an ashtray could sing, it would sound like the song you just foisted on us.
Jason: See, it’s lines like that one that keep us together. Whereas I always thought if an ashtray could sing, it would sound like your mother when I took her to karaoke last week.
Jeff: Wait, are you saying my mother sounds better than this? Or worse? Either way, I think I might take it as a compliment.
Jason: We sang “Can’t We Try.” #fullcircle
Also, it was weird. She wanted me to call her Beulah….WAIT A SECOND