Jason: So Jeff, the other day we gave our readers a double dose of Sedaka.

Jeff: Yes, we did.

Jason: We also gave them a double dose of Archies.

Jeff: That was mean of us.

Jason: Could we get any meaner?

Jeff: We’re dicks! Double dicks!

Jason: Let’s go for the dick hat trick.

Jeff: Yes!

Jason: Let’s play them some stuff from Shelley Duvall’s Christmas record. That’s right, folks. Shelley Duvall released a Christmas record.

Jeff: Shelley Duvall’s Christmas record, you say? Why, what’s it called, Jason?

Jason: It’s called Merry Christmas, and the first track is called “A Very Merry Christmas.” But she’s full of shit.

Jeff: I think she might be full of something else. Something possibly illegal. Several somethings, actually.

Jason: Wait a minute. I believe the album is actually technically called — and I swear I’m not making this up — Hello, I’m Shelley Duvall…Merry Christmas.

Jeff: Yes, that’s the title I was looking for. And on the cover, she’s posing with a pack of cartoon animals. A cartoon owl in a Santa hat is on her shoulder.

Jason: And she’s wearing something weird on her head. Oh wait, that’s her perm.

Jeff: Shelley Duvall is batshit crazy.

Jason: How crazy, you ask, readers? Well, let’s listen to “A Very Merry Christmas,” shall we?

Shelley Duvall — A Very Merry Christmas (download)

From Hello, I’m Shelley Duvall…Merry Christmas Amazon

Jeff: Hello, Shelley! Merry — wha? Stop.

Jason: I want to.

Jeff: Hey, quit it.

Jason: But my computer is somehow frozen.

Jeff: Stop it, damn you!

Jason: It won’t let me stop the track!!!!

Jeff: Blackberry cherry absolutely very

Jason: It’s a blackberry, raspberry, something something…SHUT UP

Jeff: Well, at least she stopped rhyming with “erry.”

Jason: Is this really a grown woman?


Jason: She sounds, like, eight.  There is only one way I would accept any of these tracks, and that’s if she sang them in The Shining.

Jeff: This is a very scary Christmas.

Jason: “I know this song is hard to sing.” Shelley, it’s hard to HEAR. Jesus Christ.

Jeff: Not a temporary Christmas! Did you hear that?

Jason: I can’t hear anything anymore, Jeff.

Jeff: She plans on things staying this way forever.

Jason: My body is shaking, this is so awful. Jeff, I don’t know. I’m having second thoughts about subjecting them to a second track.

Jeff: Why didn’t anyone SLAP her? Slap her in her FACE? That always works on TV when a woman is acting crazy.

Jason: I’m not condoning violence during the Christmas season, but someone needed to stop Shelley Duvall.

Jeff: I hear it worked for Margot Kidder.

Jason: What record label was this released on?

Jeff: Hmm.

Jason: Find out. And find out who runs that label. Even if they didn’t run it in 1991, they deserve to be beaten for the past sins of the label.

Jeff: Oh, wow.

Jason: What?

Jeff: I found a “review” of the album.

Jason: I found that too! That blog is great, by the way. So readers, if we’re not giving you enough crap to listen to, head over to Musical Fruitcake. Dammit. I wish I had thought of that title.

Jeff: Dude, Kid Rhino released this. I’m assuming Kid Rhino is the kids’ offshoot of Rhino Records.

Jason: Maybe it was actually a kid rhino.

Jeff: Knowing they’re responsible for this makes me angrier than I would have expected. Can you imagine the faces in the boardroom when she played this shit for the executives?

Jason: I imagine her actually bringing the stuffed animals. And dancing around the room.

Jeff: They must have been beyond high.

Jason: Hello. I’m Shelley Duvall.

Jeff: Merry Christmas.

Jason: And I’m FUCKING CRAZY!!!!!

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Jason: Do we subject them to another one?

Jeff: Fuck yes we do! We both listened to the whole album!

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: They can suck it up.

Jason: Now you’re talkin’! How about “Gotta Be a Christmas”? I mean, really, we could pick anything. But this one is, like, four minutes long. And that seems especially mean.

Jeff: Heh, heh, heh.

Jason: And thus perfect for Mellowmas. The other one was only two minutes.

Jeff: It felt like fifty.

Jason: Ready?

Jeff: Very very very

Jason: Suck my dingleberry

Jeff: I popped your mother’s cherry

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

I’m crying over here!

Hang on. Seriously. I have to stop laughing. Oh my God. The tears.

Jeff: The Mellowmas tears.

Jason: Oh, my stomach hurts.

Deep breaths.
Okay. I have to move on.

Jeff: I don’t think the readers are in any rush.

Jason: I don’t think the readers are going to find this as funny as I’m finding it right now.  Oh, I needed that. Okay, seriously now. On to “Gotta Be a Christmas.” This should take the smile off my face.

Jeff: Right away.

Shelley Duvall — Gotta Be a Christmas (download)

From Hello, I’m Shelley Duvall…Merry Christmas Amazon

Jeff: Oh, man.

Jason: AHHHHHHHHH! What the fuck?? Are those the South Park kids?

Jeff: It sounds like she’s fronting the most annoying kids’ choir in the world.

Jason: Ding dong! Shelley Duvall is at the door! And she’s hoping for your turkey scraps!

Jeff: Penguins? Santa lives in an igloo?

Jason: He lives in a giant…what?

Jeff: Shelley, those are Eskimos, you idiot.

Jason: Who WROTE this shit?

Jeff: Synth drums!

Jason: How the hell is she pronouncing “Claus”?

Jeff: I…I want to choke her.

Jason: Jack Nicholson is sitting somewhere banging his head on the desk. “What happened, Shelley”?

Jeff: I hate Christmas all of a sudden. Like, I wish there was no such thing.


Jason: He eats too much…bologna?

Jeff: Santa eats too much BALONEY?

Jason: Wha….? This is so terrible.

Jeff: I don’t understand.

Jason: Like, genuinely terrible.

Jeff: I don’t understand how this happened.

Jason: Wait, here comes the godforsaken chorus.

Jeff: I’d love to interview one of the people who lost their jobs because of this album.

Jason: What is with her squeaky motherfucking voice?

Jeff: That’s her falsetto, Jason. When will this end?

Jason: I have to know who the guitarist is.

Jeff: That’s Shelley, dressed up as an owl.

Jason: This is so very awful. Ding dong! Shelley’s at the door! She wants to know if you have any left over Oxycontin!

Jeff: Fade out! Please! Fade OUT already! Fade, fade, fade, damn you! Faster!

Jason: “There’s just GOTTA be a Christmas!” “I don’t know what I would do!”

Jeff: Shut your goddamn mouth, Shelley!

Jason: “There better be a Christmas!”

Jeff: sigh of relief

Jason: You’re right. That fade took way too long. But it’s over now.

Jeff: What the fuck.

Jason: I think even Alan O’Day has left by this point. Alan may very well be on a plane, getting ready to hunt one of us down and shoot us.

Jeff: I’m looking for Shelley’s official site.

Jason: No. Don’t do it.

Jeff: Surprise! She doesn’t have one. Nobody even cared enough to cybersquat at

Jason: Who’d want to admit to being Shelley’s cybersquatter? What is she doing now, anyway?

Jeff: “She is currently living in Blanco, TX.”

Jason: Is there a cult there?

Jeff: “Although recent reports have stated Duvall residing in Blanco, she has been sighted making multiple trips to the original filming site of The Shining. Rumors speculate after filming The Shining, Duvall never recovered from the traumatic experiences with director Stanley Kubrick.”

Oh my God, it all makes sense now.

Jason: !!!!! Holy crap.

Jeff: Yeah, this is scarier than Verschmiginnighscht. I will be sleeping with my lights on tonight.

Jason: Ooh! I double-dog dare you to put THIS on your daughter’s iPod!

Jeff: Lying in bed, just waiting to hear a high-pitched old lady’s voice say “ding dong!”

Jason: Seriously, though, will you play it for her, and let me know what she thinks?

Jeff: Oh, but I already have.

Jason: You have?

Jeff: Sophie loves music so much. She has her favorites, but she just loves music.

Jason: I know.

Jeff: After hearing “A Very Merry Christmas,” do you know what she said?

Jason: What?

Jeff: My three-year-old daughter looked up at me and said, “It’s over now. Isn’t that good?”

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Sophie Giles FTW! Did you play it for your wife? I haven’t played it for mine.

Jeff: At full volume!

Jason: You did?!?!? Oh my God!

Jeff: She’s grown numb to this kind of thing.

Jason: Poor Leah!

Jeff: I think I played it while she was making dinner, actually, which makes it even worse.

Jason: I’m surprised your dinner didn’t have an extra-special ingredient in it that night.

Jeff: There’s nothing like Mellowmas to remind you of what a horrible human being you are, is there? Thanks a lot, Shelley Duvall!

Jason: I need to go take some medicine. That was awful. Sorry, readers.

Jeff: Pepto won’t help.

Jason: How about cyanide?

Jeff: It also won’t stop the nightmares of Shelley Duvall rocking herself to sleep on the porch of an abandoned hotel in the Rocky Mountains.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha!
I’m Shelley Duvall.
And I’m here to eat your first born!

Jeff: Can’t…type…laughing…so…hard…

I’m Shelley Duvall.

Jeff: Upper…body…hurts…

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

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