Jason: GODDAMMIT!

Jeff: Something got you down, buddy? Something other than Mellowmas in general, I mean?

Jason: She & Him released a Christmas record.

Jeff: Oh, right. THAT shit. You know, I do not care for the Zooey Deschanel.

Jason: You know how iTunes, and digital music in general, has made it so we never have to delete anything? It can just languish in loneliness on our computers forever?

Jeff: I do! That’s how I have the complete works of Kansas!

Jason: The first She & Him album is one of the only ones I actually deleted from my hard drive.

Jeff: Which is why they’re perfect for Mellowmas.

Jason: I deleted it, then I emptied the Trash, then I used my Norton program to make sure it was completely wiped clear.

Jeff: Yeah, that one kind of made me mad too. I mean, she can sing, and M. Ward is certainly talented, but I can never stop myself from thinking that there are probably a thousand bands — in L.A. alone — that are doing stuff more interesting than She & Him.

Jason: I don’t mind her as an actress, and when she sings in movies, it doesn’t bother me. But that album just irritated me.

Jeff: It’s a shrug! The more people swoon over her “adorkability,” though, the more I sort of hate her.

Jason: Yes. And they all carry ukuleles.

Jeff: I tried watching her sitcom, but I couldn’t make it past the opening credit sequence where she does cute poses during the theme song. Also, that’s when I knew it would be a hit.

Jason: Does she carry a ukulele?

Jeff: I don’t remember. I think I was screaming.

Jason: Now, I do like the name of this record: A Very She & Him Christmas. I think every record in the world should be A Very (insert something here) Christmas.

Actually, I also like the idea of that being the literal title. “A Very (insert something here) Christmas.”

I haven’t listened to a single note of this record yet. But I already know i’m going to hate it.

Jeff: Yeah, I was just about to confess the same thing. I know it’s one of the big holiday releases this year, and as such I knew we’d have to cover it, but I just didn’t want to.

Jason: Let’s see…so many choices…

“Baby It’s Cold Outside.” Didn’t she already cover that with Leon Redbone?

Jeff: I don’t want to talk about that.

Jason: She did! Oh God, why do I know that. Like, why do I know it FROM MEMORY.

Jeff: Was it in Elf? It was probably in Elf.

Leon Redbone makes everything better. If he was the “Him” in “She & Him,” I’d buy all their records.

Jason: Let’s see what else is on here…”Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree.” I bet that title is 100% false.

Jeff: I wish Metallica had collaborated with Leon Redbone instead of Lou Reed.

Jason: That would have been amazing. Now I’m imagining Leon Redbone and Charo.

Jeff: Leon Redbone should have taken the lead vocal position in Van Halen after Gary Cherone left.

Jason: Leon Redbone and Menudo.

Jeff: Skrillex should produce something by Leon Redbone.

Jason: Leon Redbone and Gwar.

Jeff: We’re sort of just stalling at this point, aren’t we? All right. I just splashed some cold water on my face. I’m ready for this.

Jason: How about “Little Saint Nick”? I love that song. The Beach Boys, the Muppets…great versions.

Jeff: Yeah, what could go wrong, RIGHT?

She & Him — Little Saint Nick (download)
She & Him, "A Very Adorkable Christmas"
From A Very She & Him Christmas

Jason: AHH MOTHERFUCKER UKULELES. It’s not even “Merry Christmas Santa,” it’s “Merry Christmas Saint Nick.” She couldn’t even look up the lyrics!

Jeff: I never knew Christmas music could be this twee. I want to make her eat coal.

Jason: Hey, what’s more irritating than one Zooey Deschanel vocal?

Jeff: A THOUSAND GODDAMN ZOOEY DESCHANEL VOCALS AAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Jason: She makes nothing sound fun.

Jeff: She makes ukulele beatings sound fun.

Jason: Is there a music genre called “Wistful”? Because this belongs in it.

Jeff: No, this belongs in “Recorded in a Vintage Dress and Thick-Framed Glasses.”

Jason: I don’t think I have it in me to listen to another one.

Jeff: I wish I could really describe why she annoys me so much, because I feel like, on some level, I’m being unfair. But I can’t help it. Every time I listen to one of these songs, I dislike her more.

Jason: It’s your natural inclination to run away from anything deemed precious by hipsters.

Jeff: Her vocals always sound so…posed. You can picture her singing every single line as part of a Gap commercial.

Jason: Also, as my buddy Mike points out, the ukulele is now, like, the official instrument of Brooklyn.

Jeff: I don’t blame the ukulele for what happens in Brooklyn.

Jason: I remember when only decidedly uncool people were using that instrument. (Me.)

Jeff: You and Leon Redbone!

Jason: Thank you for mentioning him again. I’m going to go listen to him sing “Christmas Island.” I’ll feel better.

Jeff: Oh, I love “Christmas Island.”

Jason: I am SHOCKED that song isn’t on this She & Him record.

Given the mood of these vocals, I feel like every song should have the words “(Not Really)” added to the title.

Jeff: They did “Christmas Wish” instead. Wait, what is “Christmas Wish”?

Jason: WHY DO YOU HAVE TO ASK THESE QUESTIONS

Jeff: Oh God, I think it might be an NRBQ song. Fuck you, She and Him! Fuck you for cursing me with conflicted emotions!

Jason: I listened to the first ten seconds. It was M. Ward singing.

Jeff: That sounds promising.

Jason: You can’t make me. It still sounds lonely and wistful. “Christmas Wish (Not Really)”

Jeff: But it’ll put a few cents in Joey Spampinato’s bank account.

Jason: Wait, is this really a cover of the NRBQ song?

Jeff: He’s the credited writer!

Jason: Ugh, fine. But I hate you.

She & Him — Christmas Wish (download)
She & Him, "A Very Adorkable Christmas"
From A Very She & Him Christmas

Jason: See? Wistful.

Jeff: Hold on, I’m getting my fedora and a bottle of craft beer.

Jason: This isn’t that bad.

Jeff: No, I don’t hate it at all.

Jason: The reverb annoys me.

Jeff: That’s the M. Ward sound. He always sounds like he recorded his vocals inside a giant garbage can on Mars.

Hey! There’s Zooey, out in the hallway!

Nice solo! I don’t mind this at all.

Jason: So is this good, or is it good compared to everything else we’ve heard? Because I think I like it too.

Jeff: Merry Christmas, Jason. It’s the time of the year when all good dreams come true.

Jason: I’m so confused right now.

Jeff: Here, put on this newsboy cap.

Jason: I feel like you spiked my eggnog.

Jeff: I did! With small-batch bourbon from Brooklyn.

Jason: …am I now a hipster? Wait, WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO ME?

Jeff: Hey, how about we get on the subway and find some performance art?

Jason: WHERE DID THESE GLASSES COME FROM?

Jeff: The pawn shop! I “upcycled” them! After we get back from the art exhibit, we can eat the salad that we urban forage on the way home.

Jason: WORST MELLOWMAS EVER