The Fifteenth Day of Mellowmas: Debbie’s Last Mellowmas

Written by Mellowmas, Mellowmas 2015, Music

There are some really dark Christmas songs out there, man


Jason: You know, over the last ten years of Mellowmas, we’ve definitely seen a “progression” in the types of songs we cover.

Note the quotation marks.

Jeff: If you’re trying to say you’ve dragged us headfirst into the outsider-music wilderness, then yes, I wholeheartedly agree. You have a problem.

Jason: Yeah, that’s exactly what I’m saying. We started off with Mellow Gold artists.

Jeff: I want to have a different conversation.

Jason: Air Supply. Stephen Bishop.

Jeff: Not bad, in retrospect!

Jason: Then we moved to other well-known musicians. Dolly Parton. Kate Bush.

Jeff: Both very talented individuals.

Jason: New Kids on the Block.

Jeff: Please stop.

Jason: Then, as you said, I discovered some music that you could consider “outsider.” And now, so much of what we cover is really pretty obscure.

Jeff: Have I mentioned that I would like to have a different conversation? Train has a Christmas album out. Maybe we could talk about that.

Jason: I’m not opposed to covering well-known musicians. But the really obscure ones are a lot of fun for me!

Jeff: “Fun”?

Jason: Because they really don’t have any greater motivation, you know? They’re not trying to cash in. They’re releasing stuff for some sort of creative reason.


Jason: That’s the best part! There’s no possible way for us to figure out the creative reason!

Jeff: Or the wrong antipsychotic cocktail!

Jason: But you see, Jeff.

Jeff: Let me see and not hear. Deal?

Jason: I love that you haven’t figured out that I’m ignoring you.

Jeff: grumble

Jason: What if we picked a song that was obscure, yet somewhat known as being a really bad obscure song?

Jeff: What if we did the opposite?

Jason: Moving on…I found this article in the Houston Press from a couple of years ago.

Jeff: Jeez, we haven’t covered any of these!

Jason: The #1 song is called “Debbie’s Last Christmas.” Which is, to my surprise, not a surprisingly sad ending to the “Debbie Does Dallas” franchise.


Jason: We could possibly cover all of these! But I like to cut to the chase. Let’s go straight to #1.

Jeff: Or Number Two, as it were.

Jeff: This doesn’t seem so bad.

Jason: Kind of pretty. Double-tracked!

Jeff: Little Debbie sounds nice!

Jason: I think we need to really listen to the lyrics here, Jeff.

Jeff: A happy girl. I’m swaying in my chair. Snapping my finger. Debbie’s waitin’ for Christmas!

But she would…wait, what?

Jason: “But she would never see that day. There had to be a way for Christmas Day.” Something bad is coming.

Wait. I think she’s in a hospital?

Jeff: Yeah, and this song isn’t even three minutes long. Debbie’s gonna die quick, Jason.

Jason: I’ve never been so jealous of Debbie.

Jeff: Yep, it’s snowing now.

Jason: Old Saint Nick had thought of every toy!

Jeff: She got every toy! Better than the watch Dad had to pawn after Mom died, I guess.

Wrong high note to reach for, Nancy.

Jason: A burning feeling we can’t hide! This line makes me think of your mom.
Spoiler alert: DEBBIE JUST DIED

Jeff: So long, Debbie! You’re dead!

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: Well, that was no fun. No fun at all. Why did you make us listen to that?

Jason: We could easily ask each other that question for every song we’ve listened to since 2006.

Jeff: That’s true, but I think — although I wouldn’t swear to it — that this is the only one that’s ended with a little girl dying in the hospital.

Jason: So there’s your answer! Happy holidays to all! But Debbie! Who’s dead!

Jeff: You’re a bad man.

Jason: Happy Mellowmas.