Jason: You know, the funniest thing happened to me today — and of course, by “funniest,” I mean “most tragic.”
Jeff: You got a letter from the government saying Christmas is on December 26 this year, thus requiring one more goddamn day of Mellowmas? THANKS, OBAMA.
Jason: *stares in horror*
You know, it’s hard for me to really remember all the crap we listen to every year. But the name “Horst” popped into my head a little earlier this morning.
Jeff: I just spontaneously gagged. Must have been a good one. Horst had a wife, right?
Jason: Horst and Sharon Hartung!
Jeff: The happy holiday Hartungs. Who could forget?
Jason: What I really remember is the “production” on their “song.”
Jeff: Yes. There’s so much “production” “value” on a lot of Mellowmas music, and yet theirs really “stood out.”
Jason: It was the kind of thing that would awaken Steve Jobs from his grave, wishing he had never given the green light to GarageBand.
Jeff: Hold on, I’m just now realizing you may have found fresh Horst hell for us, which I would like to vote against right now if possible.
Jason: True story: on his deathbed, Steve Jobs was asked if he had any regrets, and he just said: “Horst.”
He may have been coughing.
Jeff: SO MAY HAVE HORST AND SHARON
Jason: Anyway, yes. Well, you’re sort of right, anyway. I have not found you fresh Horst hell. I’ve found something pretty durn close, though, if you ask me.
Jeff: I find myself intrigued against my own better judgment. MELLOWMAS.
Jason: Let’s listen to a nice man named Ed Chabot.
Jeff: I want cheese.
Jason: He’ll be featured along with another nice man named Martin Jagodensky.
Jason: I like the first few seconds. It’s all silence.
And THERE’S the vocal.
Jeff: I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess neither Ed nor Martin owned a microphone at the time of this recording. That vocal reeks of “on-board mic.”
Jason: So much vocal hiss! And so much hiss from my wife, who’s stuck listening to this right now.
Jeff: This song could be fun, if it weren’t for everything about it.
Jason: I have something awful to say: I feel like I could hear Kevin Hearn from Barenaked Ladies recording this.
Jeff: Shit, I could hear James Taylor recording this in five or ten years. Just, you know, with a band and real equipment.
“My neighbors think that I’m insane.” I bet they do, you hack.
Jason: There is so much shit going on in this recording! Oh, and a very bad edit just there after the “bridge.”
Jeff: Which one is Martin Jagodensky? Is he the keyboard?
Jason: I was just wondering the same thing! Ooh, a second bridge. THANK GOD.
Jeff: Wait, is that a live horn buried way down in the mix?
Jeff: I think Martin Jagodensky might play sax.
Jason: I think Martin is Jagodenskying all over this track.
Ha ha ha ha! I love it! It fades out, but not quite all the way! Fadeout, and then an abrupt stop!
Jeff: Oh wait, I found Martin.
Jason: OH YOU SON OF A BITCH
Jeff: I like the part where it asks “Do you imagine yourself or someone else performing your songs?” and he answers “Yes.”
Jason: Also the part where he says “I like playing the old country and early rock.”
None of this answers our question of what the hell he’s doing on this track, though.
Jeff: Unless that’s him singing and Ed Chabot is…doing whatever else is happening.
Jason: “Ed Chabot (feat. Martin Jagodensky paying off a bet)”
“Are you interested in collaboration or finding a songwriting partner?” “possibly” Martin, you’re so coy!
Jeff: I feel like one or both of them will be emailing us at some point. Maybe we can hook them up with Genie Francis’ brothers? I’d kind of like to hear Genie singing this song.
Jason: She’d class it up. You know she would. Although quite honestly, could this song be any better? Who’s really going to do better than ol’ Ed and Martin?
Jeff: Maybe if Wing were singing it as “Stringin’ My Mellowmas Lights.” But that’s about it.
Ed and Martin have “crafted” a true “holiday original.” “Hats off” to them.
Jason: *gasp* Great idea, Jeff! I have Wing’s number.
Jeff: JASON DON’T