kidsrapn

The Fifth Day of Mellowmas: O Come All Ye Migraines

Jason: You know, I was looking over last year’s Mellowmas list the other day.

Jeff: Whatever for?

Jason: I had that “Christmas Makes Me Cry” song in my head and I thought, well, I might as well make it happen.

Jeff: Oh, you’re feeling the Mellowmas spirit now. I knew it was only a matter of time!

Jason: You bet! It’s awful!

Jeff: How many times did you repeat that one Bellamy Brothers song from a couple of years ago? I remember how much you liked that one.

Jason: Yes. That was DEFINITELY one of my favorites. But last year, remember when we listened to that awful “Blue Christmas”?

By the stupid kids?

Or should I say kidz?

Jeff: Stop talking right now.

Jason: And then that reminded me of Melloween, where I had to listen to that awful Kidz Halloween album.

Jeff: Where’s the Mellowmas fast-forward button? How do I skip ahead to us listening to a holiday track by Creed or something?

Jason: Wow, this season has really gotten to you.

Jeff: You say “Kidz” and I say “I want to die.”

Jason: Well, thankfully, today’s track is NOT from Kidz Bop.

Jeff: Whew! I can relax.

Jason: It’s from Kids Rap’n the Christmas Hits.

Jeff: Ha! You’re joking. That isn’t real.

Jason: It’s all too real, Jeff. ALL. TOO. REAL.

Jeff: Jason, what’s “rap’n”? Is that what Cap’n Crunch does when he goes to Harlem?

Jason: It’s the sound of me closing the oven door on my head.

Looks like they cover “Must Be Santa Claus,” which would only be good if Bob Dylan made a guest appearance.

Jeff: I guess it stands to reason that there would be a downmarket ripoff of Kidz Bop, given how many copies the damn things sell. But on the other hand: DOWNMARKET RIPOFF OF KIDZ BOP.

Jason: Which can only mean one thing. We have to.

Jeff: It means two things: We have to, and GODDAMMIT.

Jason: How about “O Come All Ye Faithful”? I’m pretty sure it’ll turn into “O Come All Ye Migraines,” but whatever.

Jeff: Why the hell not? Hold on, let me put one bullet in this revolver.

Jason: One bullet? Why take the risk? Fill ‘er up! You ready for what is sure to be absolutely awful?

Jeff: No! Let’s listen!

Kids Rap’n the Christmas Hits — O Come All Ye Faithful (download)

From Kids Rap’n the Christmas Hits

Jeff: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKK

Jason: Wow, they couldn’t even afford Auto-Tune! They’re off-key AND off-tempo!

Jeff: This is…

AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Jason: OH MY GOD

Jeff: Jason, EVERY SINGLE THING ABOUT THIS SUCKS

Jason: MELLOWMAS MAKES ME CRY

Jeff: RAPPING!

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

Jason: Wow.

Jeff: I feel like we have to stop typing in all caps, BUT I CAN’T. Oh! Those high notes!

Jason: THE KIDS ARE SO OFF-KEY!

Jeff: I’m in pain!

Jason: I can’t believe it, but this makes me MISS KIDZ BOP.

Jeff: MORE RAPPING!

FFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCKKK

Jason: They couldn’t even line up the vocals with the drum track! This even makes me miss RAPPY McRAPPERSON.

And it fucking fades out for, like, ten seconds!

Oh shit! I accidentally forgot to hit “stop”! It started playing “Winter Wonderland”! You don’t want to go there. Trust me.

Jeff: I do. I do trust you.

Jason: It’s trying to be a rap/jazz hybrid. With more off-key, off-tempo vocals…okay, I’m turning it off before the rap.

Jeff: That was honestly one of the worst things I’ve ever heard in my life.

Jason: Wow. So awful. So, so, so awful.

Jeff: The rapper wasn’t even a Kids!

Jason: Are there any reviews of this out there?

Jeff: Was there a wave of murder-suicide pacts after it came out? Oh, holy shit — this is a whole series. I see Kids Rap’n the Hits Vol. 4.

Jason: Don’t go there.

Jeff: Kids Rap’n the Halloween Hits!

Jason: With “Stayin’ Alive” on it! What the HELL?
Jeff: Kids Rap’n the Hits is listed on some blog called The Best of the Worst of Spotify.

Jason: And “Good Vibrations”! WHAT THE HELLLLLLLLLL

Jeff: Well, you know what to play the next time you want to clear your apartment.

Jason: Oh! It’s the Marky Mark version. Thank god. I never thought I’d say that, but thank god.

Jeff: The first time anyone has ever said that! My wife is sitting here. I kind of want to make her listen to what we just heard.

Jason: Do it, but be prepared for her to leave you AND the kidz.

Jeff: Holy crap, these kids cover “Dominick the Italian Christmas Donkey”! When will the sun explode and destroy our earth?

Ha! I just handed my wife an earbud and she said “Oh no.”

Jason: That’s her default reaction when she knows we’re chatting, isn’t it?

Jeff: She’s a grade school teacher. I think she hears this shit every year.

Jason: Is she listening?

Jeff: Without batting an eye, she says, “This is what happens when children sing.”

Wait, now the guy is rapping. Sorry — rap’n.

I can’t believe it, but this isn’t fazing her at all.

Jason: RUN, JEFF.

Jeff: Jason, I think our wives are more affected by Mellowmas than we are. She just looked at me coolly and said, “Why don’t you…go to sleep?”

Jason: Well, when you think about it, what’s the real difference between them listening to this, or listening to us talk about Steely Dan? It all sounds the same to them. Like utter garbage.

Jeff: That makes me so sad. Hold on, I’m packing a bag.

Jason: You can come here! My wife is at work. She has no idea that this song exists.

Jeff: YET.

Jason: We can wait until she comes home, and then surprise her with it.

Jeff: Oh, it’ll be a Mellowmas miracle!

Jason: And then you and I can live happily ever after, FINALLY.

Jeff: Rap’n in sweet harmony!




  • http://mostlymodernmedia.wordpress.com Beau

    It sounds like the drum machine is actually trying to change tempo to match the Off Key Choir.

  • http://www.bullz-eye.com Anonymous

    Wow.

  • http://www.popdose.com jefito

    It might just be trying to escape.

  • http://twitter.com/MattSpringer Matt Springer

    KEEERRIIIIIIIAAAAAAHHHHHHHHSSSSSTTTTTT THE LORD, this is awful. 

  • http://twitter.com/MattSpringer Matt Springer

    KEEERRIIIIIIIAAAAAAHHHHHHHHSSSSSTTTTTT THE LORD, this is awful. 

  • Curt Shannon

    I hope you guys didn’t see the “Holly Jolly Pets” album further down on the Spotify list…

  • Curt Shannon

    I hope you guys didn’t see the “Holly Jolly Pets” album further down on the Spotify list…

  • http://www.grayflannelsuit.net/ Chris Holmes

    Some of the more fire-and-brimstone churches and pastors often say that every time you sin, it’s like you’re crucifying Christ all over again. I submit that they’ve never heard this song. 

  • http://www.grayflannelsuit.net/ Chris Holmes

    Some of the more fire-and-brimstone churches and pastors often say that every time you sin, it’s like you’re crucifying Christ all over again. I submit that they’ve never heard this song. 

  • Anonymous

    Silver lining: I am hereby aware of the existence of The Best of the Worst of Spotify.

    Black cloud: I am hereby listening to the rest of Kids Rap’n the Christmas Hits. On Spoitfy.

    Mellowmas: im doin it wrong.

    (BTW, where is this cover of “Dominick the Donkey” you speak of? I want to test my girlfriend’s devotion.)

  • Anonymous

    Silver lining: I am hereby aware of the existence of The Best of the Worst of Spotify.

    Black cloud: I am hereby listening to the rest of Kids Rap’n the Christmas Hits. On Spoitfy.

    Mellowmas: im doin it wrong.

    (BTW, where is this cover of “Dominick the Donkey” you speak of? I want to test my girlfriend’s devotion.)

  • http://www.popdose.com jefito

    I can’t believe you really want to know, but it’s here: http://itunes.apple.com/us/album/kids-singn-funny-holiday-songs/id267231608

  • http://www.popdose.com jefito

    I can’t believe you really want to know, but it’s here: http://itunes.apple.com/us/album/kids-singn-funny-holiday-songs/id267231608

  • http://www.popblerd.com Mike

    I’m speechless. No I’m not. Wait a second, is the guy rapping on here the same guy who rapped on the bridge of “Black Or White”?

  • http://www.popblerd.com Mike

    I’m speechless. No I’m not. Wait a second, is the guy rapping on here the same guy who rapped on the bridge of “Black Or White”?

  • http://twitter.com/PlutoOfPluto Joe K

    I just bought “Kids Rap’n The Christmas Hits” from Amazon for $0.01. It’s so mindnumbingly terrible that I HAVE to own it.

  • http://twitter.com/PlutoOfPluto Joe K

    I just bought “Kids Rap’n The Christmas Hits” from Amazon for $0.01. It’s so mindnumbingly terrible that I HAVE to own it.

  • Michael Burke

    The off-key children by themselves get this in range of the Figglehorn/Duvall zone, but the rapping…wow.

    This is everything that Mellowmas is about.

  • Michael Burke

    The off-key children by themselves get this in range of the Figglehorn/Duvall zone, but the rapping…wow.

    This is everything that Mellowmas is about.

  • Anonymous

    Wha? No rap’n? I was anticipating Rapperson’s understudy again:

    DOMINICK! D-D-DOMINICK!
    Chasin’ a carrot on a stick!
    Comin’ down the street an’ comin’ down fast
    Errbody gonna get some Christmas aaahhh guess I’ll just listen to the track now.

  • Anonymous

    Wha? No rap’n? I was anticipating Rapperson’s understudy again:

    DOMINICK! D-D-DOMINICK!
    Chasin’ a carrot on a stick!
    Comin’ down the street an’ comin’ down fast
    Errbody gonna get some Christmas aaahhh guess I’ll just listen to the track now.

  • mlk

    On one level it feels wrong to ridicule children singing, especially Christmas songs.  But the rap’n!  How? Why?  This is easily the worst of the year, so far.  But everyone involved should have known better than to inflict what Duvall wrought upon us. 

  • http://www.popdose.com jefito

    A man after my own heart. Godspeed, gentle soul.

  • http://www.popdose.com jefito

    I didn’t, but now I feel like I need to look.

  • http://twitter.com/remarkablyadept remarkablyadept

    Mellowmas Hall of (In)Fame candidate.

  • Old_Davy

    Where’s Mike Love when you need him?

  • http://www.wingsforwheels.net dslifton

    YES! This is what I asked for yesterday! I believe in Santa Mellowmas!

  • http://www.popdose.com jefito

    You sick, sick bastard.

  • http://www.wingsforwheels.net dslifton

    Agreed. He would have beat those kids into something resembling a choir.

  • http://www.popdose.com DwDunphy

    They’re keeping the Mas in Mellowmas, no matter how much we beg, “No Mas, No Mas!!”

  • http://www.popdose.com DwDunphy

    Or beaten them because they didn’t buff his car to a lustrous sheen. Both good.

  • http://digitaldreamdoor.com/pages/best_songs-Power-Pop.html Brett Alan

    Holy crap.

    If I had read this without listening to the track (and you have to admit, that would have been a sensible way to go), I never would have believed that it was half as bad as you say, I mean, I certainly wouldn’t have expected it to have any actual value or anything, but I would at least have figured you were exaggerating how out of tune the kids are and all that. Wow, you’re so not. The Singing Dogs were more professional than this. It really sounds like they grabbed a random third grade class, rather than kids who actually sing.

    Also, the title of the album is a lie. The kids are singing, but the rapper is definitely an adult. (OK, Jeff beat me to that.) And there’s a Christmas song called “Up On The Housetop”, and a classic non-holiday song called “Up On The Roof”, but there is no song called “Up On The Roof Top”.

    Again: holy crap.

  • http://digitaldreamdoor.com/pages/best_songs-Power-Pop.html Brett Alan

    Holy crap.

    If I had read this without listening to the track (and you have to admit, that would have been a sensible way to go), I never would have believed that it was half as bad as you say, I mean, I certainly wouldn’t have expected it to have any actual value or anything, but I would at least have figured you were exaggerating how out of tune the kids are and all that. Wow, you’re so not. The Singing Dogs were more professional than this. It really sounds like they grabbed a random third grade class, rather than kids who actually sing.

    Also, the title of the album is a lie. The kids are singing, but the rapper is definitely an adult. (OK, Jeff beat me to that.) And there’s a Christmas song called “Up On The Housetop”, and a classic non-holiday song called “Up On The Roof”, but there is no song called “Up On The Roof Top”.

    Again: holy crap.

  • Curt Shannon

    Dammit!!

  • el bandito

    SHT

  • el bandito

    SHT