Jason: You know, I was looking over last year’s Mellowmas list the other day.
Jeff: Whatever for?
Jason: I had that “Christmas Makes Me Cry” song in my head and I thought, well, I might as well make it happen.
Jeff: Oh, you’re feeling the Mellowmas spirit now. I knew it was only a matter of time!
Jason: You bet! It’s awful!
Jeff: How many times did you repeat that one Bellamy Brothers song from a couple of years ago? I remember how much you liked that one.
Jason: Yes. That was DEFINITELY one of my favorites. But last year, remember when we listened to that awful “Blue Christmas”?
By the stupid kids?
Or should I say kidz?
Jeff: Stop talking right now.
Jason: And then that reminded me of Melloween, where I had to listen to that awful Kidz Halloween album.
Jeff: Where’s the Mellowmas fast-forward button? How do I skip ahead to us listening to a holiday track by Creed or something?
Jason: Wow, this season has really gotten to you.
Jeff: You say “Kidz” and I say “I want to die.”
Jason: Well, thankfully, today’s track is NOT from Kidz Bop.
Jeff: Whew! I can relax.
Jason: It’s from Kids Rap’n the Christmas Hits.
Jeff: Ha! You’re joking. That isn’t real.
Jason: It’s all too real, Jeff. ALL. TOO. REAL.
Jeff: Jason, what’s “rap’n”? Is that what Cap’n Crunch does when he goes to Harlem?
Jason: It’s the sound of me closing the oven door on my head.
Looks like they cover “Must Be Santa Claus,” which would only be good if Bob Dylan made a guest appearance.
Jeff: I guess it stands to reason that there would be a downmarket ripoff of Kidz Bop, given how many copies the damn things sell. But on the other hand: DOWNMARKET RIPOFF OF KIDZ BOP.
Jason: Which can only mean one thing. We have to.
Jeff: It means two things: We have to, and GODDAMMIT.
Jason: How about “O Come All Ye Faithful”? I’m pretty sure it’ll turn into “O Come All Ye Migraines,” but whatever.
Jeff: Why the hell not? Hold on, let me put one bullet in this revolver.
Jason: One bullet? Why take the risk? Fill ‘er up! You ready for what is sure to be absolutely awful?
Jeff: No! Let’s listen!
Kids Rap’n the Christmas Hits — O Come All Ye Faithful (download)
From Kids Rap’n the Christmas Hits
Jason: Wow, they couldn’t even afford Auto-Tune! They’re off-key AND off-tempo!
Jeff: This is…
Jason: OH MY GOD
Jeff: Jason, EVERY SINGLE THING ABOUT THIS SUCKS
Jason: MELLOWMAS MAKES ME CRY
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
Jeff: I feel like we have to stop typing in all caps, BUT I CAN’T. Oh! Those high notes!
Jason: THE KIDS ARE SO OFF-KEY!
Jeff: I’m in pain!
Jason: I can’t believe it, but this makes me MISS KIDZ BOP.
Jeff: MORE RAPPING!
Jason: They couldn’t even line up the vocals with the drum track! This even makes me miss RAPPY McRAPPERSON.
And it fucking fades out for, like, ten seconds!
Oh shit! I accidentally forgot to hit “stop”! It started playing “Winter Wonderland”! You don’t want to go there. Trust me.
Jeff: I do. I do trust you.
Jason: It’s trying to be a rap/jazz hybrid. With more off-key, off-tempo vocals…okay, I’m turning it off before the rap.
Jeff: That was honestly one of the worst things I’ve ever heard in my life.
Jason: Wow. So awful. So, so, so awful.
Jeff: The rapper wasn’t even a Kids!
Jason: Are there any reviews of this out there?
Jeff: Was there a wave of murder-suicide pacts after it came out? Oh, holy shit — this is a whole series. I see Kids Rap’n the Hits Vol. 4.
Jason: Don’t go there.
Jeff: Kids Rap’n the Halloween Hits!
Jason: With “Stayin’ Alive” on it! What the HELL?
Jeff: Kids Rap’n the Hits is listed on some blog called The Best of the Worst of Spotify.
Jason: And “Good Vibrations”! WHAT THE HELLLLLLLLLL
Jeff: Well, you know what to play the next time you want to clear your apartment.
Jason: Oh! It’s the Marky Mark version. Thank god. I never thought I’d say that, but thank god.
Jeff: The first time anyone has ever said that! My wife is sitting here. I kind of want to make her listen to what we just heard.
Jason: Do it, but be prepared for her to leave you AND the kidz.
Jeff: Holy crap, these kids cover “Dominick the Italian Christmas Donkey”! When will the sun explode and destroy our earth?
Ha! I just handed my wife an earbud and she said “Oh no.”
Jason: That’s her default reaction when she knows we’re chatting, isn’t it?
Jeff: She’s a grade school teacher. I think she hears this shit every year.
Jason: Is she listening?
Jeff: Without batting an eye, she says, “This is what happens when children sing.”
Wait, now the guy is rapping. Sorry — rap’n.
I can’t believe it, but this isn’t fazing her at all.
Jason: RUN, JEFF.
Jeff: Jason, I think our wives are more affected by Mellowmas than we are. She just looked at me coolly and said, “Why don’t you…go to sleep?”
Jason: Well, when you think about it, what’s the real difference between them listening to this, or listening to us talk about Steely Dan? It all sounds the same to them. Like utter garbage.
Jeff: That makes me so sad. Hold on, I’m packing a bag.
Jason: You can come here! My wife is at work. She has no idea that this song exists.
Jason: We can wait until she comes home, and then surprise her with it.
Jeff: Oh, it’ll be a Mellowmas miracle!
Jason: And then you and I can live happily ever after, FINALLY.
Jeff: Rap’n in sweet harmony!