Hey, have you ever read that Sesame Street classic, The Monster at the End of This Book? You know, the one where your lovable furry old pal Grover spends each page frantically trying to stop you from turning to the next, because he’s terrified to see the monster waiting for him at the end?
Well, that’s sort of how Jason and I feel every year, starting the day after Mellowmas ends. We nervously count down the days until next December 1, praying that time will stand still, or the world will end, or the liberal heathen hordes will finally win their war on Christmas. But no, the calendar keeps turning, urged along by the many sadistic readers who bombard us with Mellowmas-related emails, tweets, and Facebook comments — and before we know it, it’s time to run the holiday music gauntlet again.
Of course, in The Monster at the End of This Book, it turns out that Grover was just being silly, because — well, I don’t want to spoil it for you, but suffice it to say that he never had anything to worry about.
We will not be so lucky.
All of which is a roundabout way of saying “son of a bitch, it’s Mellowmas.” We’re not sure how or why it happened, but we’re back for our sixth straight year of dredging through the worst holiday music we can find — and without giving away too many exciting details, let me tell you that this year’s batch of tunes contains some of the suckiest sucks who ever sucked. You’ve seen the holiday charts, people; you know what to expect. You’re reasonably certain that there will be Beiber, and She & Him, and Weiland. (Oh my.) I can neither confirm nor deny your suspicions; I can only tell you that it is not, in fact, the most wonderful time of the year. Also, my stomach hurts.
The “fun” will begin in earnest tomorrow, and we’ll be with you all damn month long, ruing the day we ever thought this would be funny. Oh, the pain. Oh, the misery. Oh, the Mellowmas!
In the meantime, warm up your palate by listening to Alan O’Day’s classic Mellowmas theme:
And while you’re at it, you can take a trip through the Mellowmas archives — start here, way back in 2006, then follow the madness all the way up through the present day (if you dare). Ready for more? Yeah, us neither. But we’ll be here anyway, bright and early, every morning from now until December 25. Clear some space on your hard drive, pour yourself a stiff glass of expired eggnog, and cover your ears!