ConSoulTant

The Fourteenth Day of Mellowmas: Consoulted

Jeff: Ah, one day closer to the 25th. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel! Soon, we will be free once more from the tyranny of Mellowmas.

Jason: You know, I get excited about this every year, and then on the 26th, you inevitably send me something for the following year. And then I feel all awful again.

Jeff: It’s a tradition! I love doing that.

Jason: The very worst tradition. I wish you’d stop.

Jeff: The best is when I can send a physical CD and address it to Jason Bieber Hare. Hey, remember when Busta Rhymes did a cameo on a Justin Bieber holiday song? That seemed pretty bad at the time, but I kind of miss it now.

Jason: Yeah. Who knew how bad things were going to get? You know, I know I’m a little late on this, but I just read an article about how many people went out to the stores on Thanksgiving.

Jeff: I swear to God, if you’re about to tell me that Rebecca Black recorded a Christmas single, I will cut you where you stand.

Jason: OH MY GOD DID SHE? Hang on, let me search for that.

Jeff: JASON DON’T

Jason: Oh, you got lucky this time, my friend.

Jeff: I just sighed a sigh of relief so relieved, I may have wet my pants. #LifStrong

Jason: Uh-oh.

Jeff: *furrows brow*

Jason: So nothing by Rebecca Black.

Jeff: I feel a “but” coming on.

Jason: But I searched “Black” and “Friday” and came up with something else.

Jeff: There are so many horrible jokes waiting to be told right now.

Jason: I found a track by someone/someones called “The Consoultant.” I don’t understand that spelling. But then again, I no longer understand many things.

Jeff: HA! I see what they did there! ConSOULtant.

Jason: Oh. Got it.

Jeff: This is the name of a black artist.

Jason: *cough*

Jeff: A person who is black. Well, either that or Michael McDonald.

Jason: Oooh, can we listen to Michael McDonald? Can we can we can we?

Jeff: YES. THE END.

Jason: No, you know what we have to do.

Jeff: Please, let this sound like 1989.

Jeff: Oh shit.

Jason: Oh no.

Jeff: Zendaya, come back! All is forgiven.

Jason: So much crap going on in my headphones.

Jeff: This is amazing.

Jason: Did she rhyme “go” with “store”?

Cyber Monday’s e-mails!

Jeff: The arrangement suggests “youth,” but the lyrics are all about your Aunt Lisa.

Jason: Hashtag…something? I missed it.

Fighting in the lot over parking spots! Go and get that space!

Jeff: Clipping coupons! Scheduling! Brewing coffee! This is old people shit! The Consoultant is an administrative assistant.

Jason: Black Friday! Heyyyyyy! Ho! Hashtag WHAT? I can’t make it out!

Jeff: I think it’s “#Retail.”

Oh my God, I love a long Mellowmas fadeout. There’s nothing better than knowing I get a few extra seconds of silence.

Jason: Hey, here’s her website!

This type of website looks familiar. I’m sure there’s a link on here where I can call Maurice Starr and audition.

Jeff: Oh, look! The Consoultant met Chris Tucker.

Jason: I saw that!

Jeff: And also, I think, recorded a parody of “Gangnam Style” for the Atlanta Falcons.

Jason: I like the list of “Events and Appearances.” “January: Inspirational Song.” Okay, I’ll be right…there?

Jeff: “December: Ready for the New Year.” Me too, Consoultant. Me too.

Jason: And look! She’s friends with Matthew Broderick! Whoops, sorry. Matthew L. Broderick. The impressionist.
The impressiounist, I guess.

Jeff: There’s a joke here about Marlon Wayans and The Freshman, but I’m not making it.

Jason: Well, that was unsurprisingly disappointing.

Jeff: Yes, and also, I feel like I’m going to remember this song every Black Friday while I read reports of people being tased and stomping each other’s faces in at Walmart.

Jason: Hashtag vioulence!




  • http://www.popdose.com/ DwDunphy

    I find this entry strangely satisfouying. Not because the song was any good, because that would be a damnable lie, but because you both have been enjoying Mellowmas too much lately. KARMIC BALANCE RESTORED.

    Er…”restoured.”

  • http://sportsmyriad.com Beau

    I’m sorry — I’m just a little sentimental about this. You see, this is the first time I’ve gone through Black Friday without a particular loved one. This song just reminded me how much she loved to fight over parking spaces at the mall. Just two years ago, in the parking lot outside Tysons II (the snootier of the two big Tysons Corner malls), she smiled at me so sweetly, turned, opened the car window and yelled, “YOU AIN’T GETTING THAT CHRYSLER TOWN & COUNTRY IN THAT ‘COMPACT’ SPACE, BITCH!”

    And now she’s gone. I don’t mean she died — she just moved to Bethesda and shops at White Flint Mall now. When I close my eyes, I can almost hear the warm crackling of her Taser as she … I’m sorry … (sniff) … these memories are just so hard for me!

    So I think this song is long overdue. We need more songs to remind us how special Black Friday can be. And to remember to hold those sentiments close to our hearts (in our left hands, so our right arm is free for boxing out in the electronics department).

    And my dear one recently called me to say, “I’ll be at Tysons for Black Friday …. if onnlyyyyy in myyyy … that’s MY Xbox, mother- …”

  • http://www.popdose.com jefito

    That’s beautiful, Beau. And better-written than this song, too.

  • http://www.wingsforwheels.net dslifton

    #LifStrong! ME! And my hashtag!

  • http://www.wingsforwheels.net dslifton

    People still shop at White Flint?

  • kingofgrief

    Is this the A Madea Christmas gag reel?

  • rockymtranger

    Is she Canadian with all the extra “u”s floating around? This was actually amusing to me…it quickly crossed the line from dumb to stupid fun. There has been worse.

  • arensb

    Just barely: I was there yesterday, and almost everything except the anchor stores are gone. I believe they’re tearing it down to build apartments within biking distance of the Metro stop.