The Fourteenth Day of Mellowmas: Consoulted

Written by Mellowmas, Mellowmas 2013, Music

Jeff: Ah, one day closer to the 25th. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel! Soon, we will be free once more from the tyranny of Mellowmas.

Jason: You know, I get excited about this every year, and then on the 26th, you inevitably send me something for the following year. And then I feel all awful again.

Jeff: It’s a tradition! I love doing that.

Jason: The very worst tradition. I wish you’d stop.

Jeff: The best is when I can send a physical CD and address it to Jason Bieber Hare. Hey, remember when Busta Rhymes did a cameo on a Justin Bieber holiday song? That seemed pretty bad at the time, but I kind of miss it now.

Jason: Yeah. Who knew how bad things were going to get? You know, I know I’m a little late on this, but I just read an article about how many people went out to the stores on Thanksgiving.

Jeff: I swear to God, if you’re about to tell me that Rebecca Black recorded a Christmas single, I will cut you where you stand.

Jason: OH MY GOD DID SHE? Hang on, let me search for that.


Jason: Oh, you got lucky this time, my friend.

Jeff: I just sighed a sigh of relief so relieved, I may have wet my pants. #LifStrong

Jason: Uh-oh.

Jeff: *furrows brow*

Jason: So nothing by Rebecca Black.

Jeff: I feel a “but” coming on.

Jason: But I searched “Black” and “Friday” and came up with something else.

Jeff: There are so many horrible jokes waiting to be told right now.

Jason: I found a track by someone/someones called “The Consoultant.” I don’t understand that spelling. But then again, I no longer understand many things.

Jeff: HA! I see what they did there! ConSOULtant.

Jason: Oh. Got it.

Jeff: This is the name of a black artist.

Jason: *cough*

Jeff: A person who is black. Well, either that or Michael McDonald.

Jason: Oooh, can we listen to Michael McDonald? Can we can we can we?


Jason: No, you know what we have to do.

Jeff: Please, let this sound like 1989.

Jeff: Oh shit.

Jason: Oh no.

Jeff: Zendaya, come back! All is forgiven.

Jason: So much crap going on in my headphones.

Jeff: This is amazing.

Jason: Did she rhyme “go” with “store”?

Cyber Monday’s e-mails!

Jeff: The arrangement suggests “youth,” but the lyrics are all about your Aunt Lisa.

Jason: Hashtag…something? I missed it.

Fighting in the lot over parking spots! Go and get that space!

Jeff: Clipping coupons! Scheduling! Brewing coffee! This is old people shit! The Consoultant is an administrative assistant.

Jason: Black Friday! Heyyyyyy! Ho! Hashtag WHAT? I can’t make it out!

Jeff: I think it’s “#Retail.”

Oh my God, I love a long Mellowmas fadeout. There’s nothing better than knowing I get a few extra seconds of silence.

Jason: Hey, here’s her website!

This type of website looks familiar. I’m sure there’s a link on here where I can call Maurice Starr and audition.

Jeff: Oh, look! The Consoultant met Chris Tucker.

Jason: I saw that!

Jeff: And also, I think, recorded a parody of “Gangnam Style” for the Atlanta Falcons.

Jason: I like the list of “Events and Appearances.” “January: Inspirational Song.” Okay, I’ll be right…there?

Jeff: “December: Ready for the New Year.” Me too, Consoultant. Me too.

Jason: And look! She’s friends with Matthew Broderick! Whoops, sorry. Matthew L. Broderick. The impressionist.
The impressiounist, I guess.

Jeff: There’s a joke here about Marlon Wayans and The Freshman, but I’m not making it.

Jason: Well, that was unsurprisingly disappointing.

Jeff: Yes, and also, I feel like I’m going to remember this song every Black Friday while I read reports of people being tased and stomping each other’s faces in at Walmart.

Jason: Hashtag vioulence!