Jeff: Ah, another glorious Mellowmas morn!

Jason: Don’t even fucking talk to me.

Jeff: Aw, don’t be like that, bro.

Jason: Hang on, I’m flagging down my mailman.

Jeff: Mr. McFeely?

Jason: I don’t know who he is, but I’m tipping him an extra $20 if he takes back this package.

Jeff: Oooh, a package!

Jason: This package, which is addressed to JASON BIEBER HARE

Jeff: leprechaun dance

Jason Bieber Hare: And has a CD by JUSTIN BIEBER IN IT.

Jeff: You had to know this was coming.

Jason Bieber Hare: You know, I had an inkling, but I thought maybe you’d send it digitally.

Jeff: Oh no, this is a very special occasion.

Jason Bieber Hare: I didn’t know my apartment would have an actual JUSTIN BIEBER CD IN IT.

Jeff: Plus, I figured it would probably come with a poster that you could put in the nursery for little Baby Hare.

Jason Bieber Hare: I hate you. And you know what else? My wife hates you too.

Jeff: Oh, she’s hated me for years. I’m comfortable with it now.

Jason Bieber Hare: I just spent the last weekend boxing up all my CDs, since we’re preparing our second bedroom for the baby. And then you go and SEND ME A JUSTIN BIEBER CD.

Jeff: Don’t put it in the box!

Jason Bieber Hare: So now I have to find someplace to put this Justin Bieber CD. And I have a few ideas.

Jeff: Use it to make a baby mobile!

Jason Bieber Hare: They all involve orifices of yours.

Jeff: I don’t understand. Are you not a fan of the Justin Bieber?

Jason Bieber Hare: Honestly? I have never really heard his music. He seems fine to me. I don’t dislike him. He seems to have a sense of humor about himself, which makes me respect him more.

Jeff: Yeah, same here. He seems like he could be a new Timberlake.

Jason Bieber Hare: Possibly. I’m intrigued about what happens to him during The Acne Years.

Jeff: It’s bizarre that I’m typing the words “new Timberlake” barely 10 years after he released his first solo album, but whatever. Anyway, I clapped with glee when I saw that he was releasing a Christmas album.

Jason Bieber Hare: You know who else probably clapped with glee? “Glee.”

Jeff: Has the Justin Bieber been on “Glee”?

Jason Bieber Hare: I have no idea. I stopped watching that show after the first season.

Jeff: As you know, I stopped after one episode. But back on the subject at hand! This is clearly the premiere holiday release of 2011, not counting Tommy Emmanuel’s Christmas album.

And Bieber lined up all sorts of special guests!

Jason Bieber Hare: Some of them make sense.

Jeff: Usher…Boyz II Men…Mariah Carey…

Jason Bieber Hare: Boyz II Men? Someone called in a favor, I guess.

Jeff: I love the Boyz II Men pick. They were his idols when he was (even) young(er).

Jason Bieber Hare: I wish Color Me Badd was on this album too.

Jeff: As disorienting as it is to think of someone being influenced by Boyz II Men, that’s kind of classy.

Jason Bieber Hare: I would have rather him been influenced by Bell Biv Devoe, but okay. Because, as you know, me and the crew used to do her.

Jeff: But my favorite guest appearance on Justin Bieber’s Under the Mistletoe? Busta Rhymes. I don’t know a lot about Busta Rhymes’ personal life, but at this moment, I’m assuming he has a lot of ex-wives, or maybe a lot of gambling debt.

Jason Bieber Hare: It does seem a little strange.

Jeff: I love his stuff. In fact, I have a Spotify playlist named “Three Magic Words: Feat. Busta Rhymes.” But this has to make me wonder.

Jason Bieber Hare: I wish ODB was still with us.

Jeff: Oh, hell yes.

Jason Bieber Hare: That would have been AMAZING, no?

Jeff: “If a teen pop star allegedly got someone pregnant…mmmmmwhat would you aks it?”

Jason Bieber Hare: You know my name, Bieber, NOW GIMME MY MONEY

Jeff: I guess we’ll have to settle for Busta dueting with Bieber on “Little Drummer Boy.”

Yes, you read that right.

Jason Bieber Hare: Uh, Jeff, I believe the title is just “Drummer Boy.”

Jeff: Oh, right! Because he isn’t little.

He’s gangsta.

Jason Bieber Hare: I’m staring at his eyebrows right now. They are not gangsta.

Jeff: snicker

Jason Bieber Hare: In fact, some of the eyebrow hairs are out of place. I bet some art director got fired as a result of that.

Jeff: Maybe that’s just how gangsta he is. Personal grooming is wack, yo!

Jason Bieber Hare: Oooh, good point! I can’t believe I thought a single thing hadn’t been carefully calculated.

Jeff: You may find it easier to believe after we listen to “Drummer Boy.”

Justin Bieber — Drummer Boy (featuring Busta Rhymes) (download)
Justin Hare Bieber, "Under the Mistletoe"
From Under the Mistletoe

Jeff: 808s! Eurodisco! Melisma!

Jason Bieber Hare: Auto Tune!

Jeff: I feel like I need to go vote in the Teen Choice Awards.

Jason Bieber Hare: Oh shit!

Jeff: Oh no.

He only spits heat ’cause he’s playing for the Son!

Jason Bieber Hare: Bieber’s rapping.

Jeff: He’s so bad like Michael!

That was just rude.

Jason Bieber Hare: Key change. I don’t know what to say. I’m just kind of in shock.

Jeff: I think this is supposed to be dramatic. Busta just told us to gather ’round the mistletoe AND the fireplace.

Jason Bieber Hare: “Gather ’round the mistletoe real quick!”

Jeff: And he chuckled.

Jason Bieber Hare: “Bieber, what up?”

Jeff: Busta! So good to hear you! Goddamn, listen to him go.

Jason Bieber Hare: Wow.

Jeff: I think he keeps extra lungs in his ass. Merry Christmas, Kwanzaa, happy Hanukkah!

Where did Busta go? I don’t want to listen to the rest of this without him.

Jason Bieber Hare: I think I figured out why they got rid of “Little” in the title. They probably would have been hit with a defamation suit.

Jeff: Goddammit, now Bieber is rapping about homelessness. Why is he talking like that?

Jason Bieber Hare: Well, you know, Jeff, “A portion of proceeds from this album will go to charities around the world.” Which is the vaguest statement I’ve ever read.

Jeff: Is he saying “I’m the drummer boy so dope?”

Jason Bieber Hare:  That is, indeed, what he’s saying.

Jeff: shakes head

Jason Bieber Hare: Honestly? I don’t know what to think.

Jeff: Well, that was the craziest thing we’re going to hear all Mellowmas.

Jason Bieber Hare: I just feel old. I feel like I don’t get this, and it’s because of my age.

Jeff: Barring a sequel to “Santa Claus on a Helicopter,” I can’t imagine anything weirder happening this year. You think it’s an age thing? I think it’s just deeply silly and ill-advised.

Jason Bieber Hare: Why ill-advised?

Jeff: That young man should not be rapping. Not about homelessness, not about being dope, not about anything.

Jason Bieber Hare: See, you sound old.

Jeff: And the homelessness thing makes me think this is supposed to be a serious song, which makes the rest of it even more of a train wreck.

Jason Bieber Hare: I’ll agree with that. I have to admit I kind of missed the whole homelessness part.

Jeff: It’s in the last verse. Maybe you need to listen again.

Jason Bieber Hare: No, that’s okay. Hey, I wonder if Busta asked that his portion of the proceeds NOT go to charities around the world?

Jeff: I hope Busta got at least one mortgage payment out of this. Also, I want Busta to record a Christmas album. Imagine how fast he could get through your average Christmas standard? It could be like a holiday album from the Micro Machines guy.

Jason Bieber Hare: gasp I wonder if that exists?

Jeff: “A Very Micro Machines Christmas”?

Jason Bieber Hare: Yes! I totally Googled it.

Jeff: I guarantee it wouldn’t be any weirder than this. “A Very Bionicles Christmas,” on the other hand…

Jason Bieber Hare: Which is slightly better than “A Very Neuticles Christmas,” but we’re getting off-topic.

Jeff: We kind of just listened to a Very Neuticles Christmas.

Jason Bieber Hare: I think this was kind of exactly what I expected, without having ever heard Bieber before.

Jeff: See? Not so bad. You can thank me for the CD now. And we can start counting down to his next holiday album, featuring a duet with a reunited Wham!

Jason Bieber Hare: Now THAT would be awesome.

Jeff: He didn’t do “Last Christmas” on here. It must have been for a reason.

Jason Bieber Hare: Do I have to listen to the rest of this album? Or can I go give it to a kid who might actually like it?

Jeff: Your kid!

Jason Bieber Hare: Hell no!

I just listened to a bit of “All I Want For Christmas Is You (Superfestive!) Duet with Mariah Carey.”

Jeff: I listened to that. It sounds like he’s dueting with the original track.

Jason Bieber Hare: Exactly! Now THAT’S lame.

Jeff: I hope that’s how it actually happened. His people contacted her people to ask about doing the duet, and her people just sent over the tapes. “Please return these when you’re done.”

Jason Bieber Hare: “Also, here’s where you send the checks. And we request that our portion of the proceeds not go to charities around the world.”

Jeff: The Mariah Carey’s Twins Foundation! It’s one of the many charities receiving a portion of the proceeds from this album.

Jason Bieber Hare: There might be a list of charities in the liner notes, but honestly, the CD is still in the shrinkwrap.

Jeff: I don’t know how you expect to rip it to your hard drive like that.

Jason Bieber Hare: I’m not worried about it. This CD has to get the hell out of my house. And do me a favor?

Jeff: Anything for you, JBH.

Jason Bieber Hare: Stop sending stuff to “Jason Bieber Hare.” I hate you.

Jeff: I can’t guarantee you won’t get more packages addressed to that name. In fact, uh, are you going to be around tomorrow afternoon?

Jason Bieber Hare: OH GODDAMMIT

About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

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