The Fourth Day of Mellowmas: The Blizzard
Jeff: Hey, Jason! Guess what today is?
Jason: The worst day of the rest of my life?
Jeff: Kind of! It’s a very special Mellowmas anniversary.
Jason: That can’t be good.
Jeff: Oh, you have no idea. In fact, this is the fifth anniversary of what I think might be the most depressing day in the history of Mellowmas.
Jason: There have been so many dark days, Jeff. So, so many dark days. But okay. So that makes this December 4th, 2008…Hmmm.
Jeff: Think DARK. Very, very dark.
Jason: Let me go through the Popdose archives…
Jeff: Like, “blood in the streets” dark.
Jeff: Yes! There it is! SARAJEVOMAS.
Jason: OH FOR THE LOVE OF SARAJEVO
Jeff: No one loves Sarajevo more than Judy Collins! For yea verily, she hath loved it so much that she hath recorded a new Christmas album. And lo, did the blood run like a river in the streets of Mellowmas Town.
Jason: Define “new,” Jeff.
Jeff: “New to me, a person who has actively avoided Judy Collins music for exactly five years now.”
Jason: Because I’d be willing to bet she’s pulling a James Taylor right now. Or — dare I say it — a Michael McDonald.
Maybe even a Neil Diamond. Or a Barry Manilow. I’d love to figure out who has had the most repackaged Christmas albums.
Jeff: Lay zay long go mong boulay! That’s Sarajevoan for “cultural embargo against Judy Collins.”
Jason: Look, what could be worse than “Song for Sarajevo”?
Jeff: Oh! I’m glad you asked.
Jason, imagine what might happen if Judy Collins had her ass dumped by someone just before Christmas.
Jason: …I could see that happening. Maybe she played him “Song for Sarajevo.”
Jeff: And then, Jason, imagine Judy Collins driving through the high mountain snows. Heartbroken!
Judy, pulling off the road at a small-town diner. Judy, ordering a hot beverage.
Jason: How heartbroken could she be? She’s never had to do Mellowmas.
Jeff: That’s an excellent point.
Jason: Man, Jeff, you sure know how to paint a picture.
So. She’s been dumped, she’s drinking weak coffee right off the thruway.
Jeff: Imagine, Jason, that the weather is so bad that JUDY CANNOT LEAVE THE DINER. It’s just her and the proprietor.
She is heartbroken.
He has whiskey.
Jason: Oh, I know! And she turns to the proprietor and says, “Since we’re just here together, I have this song about Sarajevo that I’ve written…” And that’s when he breaks the bottle of whiskey and cuts his own throat.
Jeff: Or he throws her out in the snow. If only!
Jason: Right? “Song For Judy in the Snow.”
Jeff: That would be more painless than the six minutes and 38 seconds of today’s track, “The Blizzard.” By Judy Collins.
Jason: SIX MINUTES AND THIRTY-EIGHT SECONDS ARE YOU KIDDING ME GILES
Jeff: I wish. It’s kind of like Fogelberg, without the beard and the frozen food.
Jason: Jeff, I guarantee you that nobody will make it through this track. Judy Collins may not have made it through this track.
Jeff: Judy Collins lives for this! I know now that she hates Christmas. Judy Collins makes Christmas music for widows. Grieving widows.
Jason: Jeff, if I knew the track was damn near seven minutes long, I would have cut out ALL this small talk. It’s going to be New Year’s Eve by the time we’re done.
Jeff: I have no regrets, because this small talk has had no soundtrack.
Jason: That’s pretty!
Jeff: Ah, there’s that pensive piano. So appropriate for the holidays. Judy is like George Winston, if George Winston wanted to make you cry for Christmas.
Jason: …Colorado? I have to say. Her voice is nice. Although she just totally went sharp.
Jeff: It is pretty, I guess. I’m kind of haunted by this album cover. It looks like she’s a vengeful holiday spirit.
Jason: Okay, so she’s on the road. She was in a world of white powder.
Jeff: L.A. in 1986! Except I don’t think that’s what she means.
She’s drinking coffee, Jason. She’s thinking about her dude.
Jason: Okay, Judy. I’m with you so far. You’re drinking the coffee. NOW WHAT.
Jeff: ENTER THE DARK-HEADED STRANGER
OH GOD THE BLIZZARD IS COMING TONIGHT
THEY WILL BE THERE FOR HOURS, JASON
Jason: THERE’S NOTHING FOR MILES
IT’S TOO FUCKING LATE TO GET TO DENVER
Jeff: Nothing but Judy and two guys in a diner! This reminds me of a story Dave Lifton’s mother once told me!
Jason: How awesome would it be if she had actually used the word “fucking”?
Jeff: “I’m a private sort of person, but a blizzard is a blizzard”
Jason: You know how it is when you can talk to a stranger, Jeff.
Jeff: Give Judy Collins this much — she doesn’t give in to cliches in her lyrics.
Jason: Remember when songs used to rhyme?
Jeff: We still have three minutes to go! I don’t remember anything.
Jason: “You just play the piano. I’ll talk over it for like another three minutes.”
Jason: Sometimes she’s a fighter when she gets too much whiskey! You should totally be relating to this.
Jeff: “Here, have a little whiskey. Pretend you don’t give a damn.” Raw stuff for Judy! Send in the clowns, Judy! Or at least have them tested for VD!
Jason: Again, you should totally be relating to this.
Jeff: Excuse me, I have never been in a snowbound diner with two burly strangers. I’m a churchgoing girl.
Jason: Okay, so she woke up in the morning…and then what? The roads were all clear? That’s impossible.
Jeff: Wait, all of a sudden she’s back on the road. Is she pregnant like Ann Wilson?
Jason: She was in the middle of nowhere. Who plowed them?
Jeff: Oh, you know who plowed, Jason.
Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha!
Jeff: The blizzard blows. IT CERTAINLY DOES, JUDY.
Was that a high H she just hit?
Jason: Well, I’ll tell you one thing. This is definitely not Auto Tuned.
“Judy, you were a little pitchy on that last note.”
“I know, but I can’t possibly sing this song again.”
Jeff: I’m pretty sure that was a diary entry she wrote at the piano in one take.
Jason: I could totally write a whole other song over that piano. It would be about you and me.
Jeff: YES. DO IT. Except play the song on the melodica.
Jason: You’re Judy Collins.
Jeff: I’m Judy Collins. I’m driving through the snow in Colorado. Hark! A diner.
Jason: Oh shit, we’re role-playing. Okay, here I go.
Judy! Judy Collins, is that you?
Jeff: Coffee please, burly stranger! I need a beverage to warm my hollow bird bones!
Jason: …You wrote “Song for Sarajevo,” right?
Jeff: I claim no credit for “Song of Sarajevo,” good sir. I channeled it, like Moses receiving the Ten Commandments.
Jason: …But that was you singing it, yes? On at least three different Christmas albums?
Jeff: In the spirit of Pavel, a Sarajevan boy I made up! Yes!
Jason: (gets out gun, shoots self in face)