Mellowmas, Mellowmas 2013, Music
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The Fourth Day of Mellowmas: The Blizzard

Jeff: Hey, Jason! Guess what today is?

Jason: The worst day of the rest of my life?

Jeff: Kind of! It’s a very special Mellowmas anniversary.

Jason: That can’t be good.

Jeff: Oh, you have no idea. In fact, this is the fifth anniversary of what I think might be the most depressing day in the history of Mellowmas.

Jason: There have been so many dark days, Jeff. So, so many dark days. But okay. So that makes this December 4th, 2008…Hmmm.

Jeff: Think DARK. Very, very dark.

Jason: Let me go through the Popdose archives…

Jeff: Like, “blood in the streets” dark.


Jeff: Yes! There it is! SARAJEVOMAS.


Jeff: No one loves Sarajevo more than Judy Collins! For yea verily, she hath loved it so much that she hath recorded a new Christmas album. And lo, did the blood run like a river in the streets of Mellowmas Town.

Jason: Define “new,” Jeff.

Jeff: “New to me, a person who has actively avoided Judy Collins music for exactly five years now.”

Jason: Because I’d be willing to bet she’s pulling a James Taylor right now. Or — dare I say it — a Michael McDonald.

Maybe even a Neil Diamond. Or a Barry Manilow. I’d love to figure out who has had the most repackaged Christmas albums.

Jeff: Lay zay long go mong boulay! That’s Sarajevoan for “cultural embargo against Judy Collins.”

Jason: Look, what could be worse than “Song for Sarajevo”?

Jeff: Oh! I’m glad you asked.


Jason, imagine what might happen if Judy Collins had her ass dumped by someone just before Christmas.

Jason: …I could see that happening. Maybe she played him “Song for Sarajevo.”

Jeff: And then, Jason, imagine Judy Collins driving through the high mountain snows. Heartbroken!

Judy, pulling off the road at a small-town diner. Judy, ordering a hot beverage.

Jason: How heartbroken could she be? She’s never had to do Mellowmas.

Jeff: That’s an excellent point.

Jason: Man, Jeff, you sure know how to paint a picture.

So. She’s been dumped, she’s drinking weak coffee right off the thruway.

Jeff: Imagine, Jason, that the weather is so bad that JUDY CANNOT LEAVE THE DINER. It’s just her and the proprietor.

She is heartbroken.

He has whiskey.

Jason: Oh, I know! And she turns to the proprietor and says, “Since we’re just here together, I have this song about Sarajevo that I’ve written…” And that’s when he breaks the bottle of whiskey and cuts his own throat.

Jeff: Or he throws her out in the snow. If only!

Jason: Right? “Song For Judy in the Snow.”

Jeff: That would be more painless than the six minutes and 38 seconds of today’s track, “The Blizzard.” By Judy Collins.


Jeff: I wish. It’s kind of like Fogelberg, without the beard and the frozen food.

Jason: Jeff, I guarantee you that nobody will make it through this track. Judy Collins may not have made it through this track.

Jeff: Judy Collins lives for this! I know now that she hates Christmas. Judy Collins makes Christmas music for widows. Grieving widows.

Jason: Jeff, if I knew the track was damn near seven minutes long, I would have cut out ALL this small talk. It’s going to be New Year’s Eve by the time we’re done.

Jeff: I have no regrets, because this small talk has had no soundtrack.

Jason: That’s pretty!

Jeff: Ah, there’s that pensive piano. So appropriate for the holidays. Judy is like George Winston, if George Winston wanted to make you cry for Christmas.

Jason: …Colorado? I have to say. Her voice is nice. Although she just totally went sharp.

Jeff: It is pretty, I guess. I’m kind of haunted by this album cover. It looks like she’s a vengeful holiday spirit.

Jason: Okay, so she’s on the road. She was in a world of white powder.

Jeff: L.A. in 1986! Except I don’t think that’s what she means.

She’s drinking coffee, Jason. She’s thinking about her dude.

Jason: Okay, Judy. I’m with you so far. You’re drinking the coffee. NOW WHAT.



Jeff: Nothing but Judy and two guys in a diner! This reminds me of a story Dave Lifton’s mother once told me!

Jason: How awesome would it be if she had actually used the word “fucking”?

Jeff: “I’m a private sort of person, but a blizzard is a blizzard”

Jason: You know how it is when you can talk to a stranger, Jeff.

Jeff: Give Judy Collins this much — she doesn’t give in to cliches in her lyrics.

Jason: Remember when songs used to rhyme?

Jeff: We still have three minutes to go! I don’t remember anything.

Jason: “You just play the piano. I’ll talk over it for like another three minutes.”

Jeff: Exactly!

Jason: Sometimes she’s a fighter when she gets too much whiskey! You should totally be relating to this.

Jeff: “Here, have a little whiskey. Pretend you don’t give a damn.” Raw stuff for Judy! Send in the clowns, Judy! Or at least have them tested for VD!

Jason: Again, you should totally be relating to this.

Jeff: Excuse me, I have never been in a snowbound diner with two burly strangers. I’m a churchgoing girl.

Jason: Okay, so she woke up in the morning…and then what? The roads were all clear? That’s impossible.

Jeff: Wait, all of a sudden she’s back on the road. Is she pregnant like Ann Wilson?

Jason: She was in the middle of nowhere. Who plowed them?

Jeff: Oh, you know who plowed, Jason.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: The blizzard blows. IT CERTAINLY DOES, JUDY.

Was that a high H she just hit?

Jason: Well, I’ll tell you one thing. This is definitely not Auto Tuned.

“Judy, you were a little pitchy on that last note.”

“I know, but I can’t possibly sing this song again.”

Jeff: I’m pretty sure that was a diary entry she wrote at the piano in one take.

Jason: I could totally write a whole other song over that piano. It would be about you and me.

Jeff: YES. DO IT. Except play the song on the melodica.

Jason: You’re Judy Collins.

Jeff: I’m Judy Collins. I’m driving through the snow in Colorado. Hark! A diner.

Jason: Oh shit, we’re role-playing. Okay, here I go.

Judy! Judy Collins, is that you?

Jeff: Coffee please, burly stranger! I need a beverage to warm my hollow bird bones!

Jason: …You wrote “Song for Sarajevo,” right?

Jeff: I claim no credit for “Song of Sarajevo,” good sir. I channeled it, like Moses receiving the Ten Commandments.

Jason: …But that was you singing it, yes? On at least three different Christmas albums?

Jeff: In the spirit of Pavel, a Sarajevan boy I made up! Yes!

Jason: (gets out gun, shoots self in face)